Life Long Learner

Marsha was so excited about many of the things she learned while getting her masters degree at Cambridge College. I always knew that Marsha was an exceptional teacher. She said that she knew she was meant to be a teacher from the time she was a child, and she proved it to be true. She also had no investment in doing the same old job in the same old ways. She would listen and take to heart information that she thought might improve her ability to teach her students. Cambridge College gave her new ideas that she thought really improved her ability to do just that. In her later retirement years she was helping people as a spiritual director again learning to do new things for the benefit of others. I'd like to think I have the same attitude. Seminary, ordained ministry, Computer, Facebook, Ipods, blogs are all late additions to my life skills. Some people are surprised by the things I continue to explore as an older guy. You know the slogan of the Army recruiter, that they can help you be all that you can be. When we stop learning we give up a piece of our humanity, that which makes our species special. God wants us to pursue a deeper understanding of Him and his creation. He wants us to use all the tools at our disposal to develop every skill that will be useful in His hands to serve in the world. Isn't it exciting that our brain never gets full. What new thing is waiting for you?

Just A Ducky Day

Don Blackwell aka "Ducky" has had his share of medical manipulations over the past few years and they seemed to be coming more repetitively. Another friend has been itching to proceed with a needed treatment and has hit obstacles at every turn. At times it feels like life is nothing but one problem after another when we have such a wide extended family. You know when life was smaller and confined to family and neighbors, we had only a few people that could have anything bad going on, but as the world gets bigger and our lives connected closely with more and more people it just seems natural that some of them will be going through life problems. I don't think things are worse than in years past but our world is so large that we are aware of so many more problems. Today was a good day in fact it was just "Ducky". The result of the biopsy for my friend Don was good today. I have said so often that God is good all the time, all the time God is good, it is particularly nice when it is so obvious in a natural and practical way that it doesn't even require faith. Faith is good too though!!

Healing

I took the picture of these oyster shells in Murrell's Inlet last spring. It seemed like the whole river bank all around was made up of oyster shells. Today I went to talk to an Episcopal priest, Jeff Wallace, who is a hospice chaplain here in Myrtle Beach. He has invited me to consider being employed as a very part time on call chaplain. I have always valued the work of hospice nurses and volunteers and had a couple of opportunities to be called to be with dying hospice clients when I was a priest in Whitman. As we were talking today I shared how as I shopped for the handicapped woman for Christmas I really felt Marsha's loss. He said maybe I shouldn't have taken a name this year. I said that the moments when I miss her the most are the moments when I have the best memories of Marsha. You know I would not miss the memories of those things about her for all the pain in the world. It is in those moments with that mixture of joy and sorrow that I heal from my loss and celebrate what I've lost all at the same time. It is like the irritation that causes an oyster to form a pearl. It is not simple, life is complicated but we discover our path as we go and as we pray, and we heal from the issues we encounter along the way. I guess I want to say that we learn as much about living in the tough times as in the times of blessing. They often show us the most beautiful things that we might have missed.

Work?

Maynard G. Crebbs made that one word line famous years ago in that comic role on TV. "Work?" he would say anytime someone suggested he do just that. He avoided work at all cost. I always loved work. I learned so much from various opportunities to work. Even starting with working with my dad for nothing I learned practical skills. I can do most trades because of summer jobs. I must say however that my two major life vocations were the best. As a teacher I had the opportunity to work with young people in a formative time in their lives. Not all wanted to learn what I had to teach, but I always thought that the most important thing I had to teach was not subject matter but rather about life and character. I needed to teach a subject too, but underneath I was always looking for the chances to show ways of thinking and ways of making life choices. My greatest memories, as a teacher, are about conversations with individuals and groups of students where I could see they got an important life message. As a priest I was directly involved in trying to help people see life through a lens that I knew makes life work, a Christian lens. I've said frequently that I have had the privilege of being invited into peoples lives at some of their most important moments. I've held babies in hospital rooms moments after their birth like I was a family member. I have been at the bedside with family members as they say goodbye to a dying loved one. I've helped couples plan their wedding and think about their marriage. I counseled people through many individual difficulties. In all those situations I've watched God touch peoples lives with healing and meaning. I can't imagine a greater experience for a person's life work. Work? I say, "Yes!!!"

Dedication

My son is a fanatical fisherman. On his way to school at 6 AM he will stop at a pond along the way and make ten casts to see if he can catch anything. Almost nothing comes out of his mouth with as much excitement as the last episode of fantastic fishing. The fish is the picture is one of thirty something landlocked salmon that he caught in one twenty four hour trip. He has had some of the most unique and spectacular experiences around his ability and desire to fish. The second picture is of one of my granddaughters in her costume for a play. In that side of the family the fanatical efforts have to do with theatre, performance, and film. My daughter and both her children have theatre at the heart of all they do. Bekah used to insist on having seen the Tony Award winning show on Broadway each year. They always have an Oscars party and any other award program to do with acting or theatre. In the case of both my son and daughter they show tremendous dedication to the areas of their interest. Dedication is so important to become expert at something, but it is even more important for it to be enthusiastic dedication. What if our dedication had to do with kindness or generosity or unconditional love. What if we put as much effort into our marriages or parenting. We have so much that is important that we take for granted. So much that we could do to really make a difference in this world but that gets second rate energy. Nothing wrong with dedication to what makes us happy like fishing and theatre, but maybe we could find a little more dedication to what makes everyone's life better.

Christmas Is Here

My first Christmas in 46 years without Marsha. We had a wonderful night last night. We went to church and out to dinner. After dinner we went to homes and neighborhoods with elaborate light displays ending at one that used four homes in a radio orchestrated light display to music that was beautiful, The owners use this to collect money for The Make A Wish Foundation. It was a wonderful Christmas Eve. We sang songs in the car from a Christmas collection Merrie has in her Ipod with some from Sandi Patty. Well some of us sang songs anyway.

This morning in prayer I couldn't help but think of Marsha. I can see her running around with all the last minute details running through her head. The joy must be overwhelming her. Can you imagine Marsha with her love for making this the greatest day ever being invited to the birthday party of the King of Kings in person and without any reigns attached to what she can do. And imagine the celebration she is part of today if we in our weakness celebrate with such abandon that the economy depends on it, how much more amazing the celebration in heaven. That big smile of her face holding hands maybe with Kathy Lynch and singing to JJ at the top of her lungs Happy Birthday to you, tears of joy streaming down her glorious face. I love you honey, have the best day ever.

We're Peculiar Creatures

I'm in Georgia with my daughter Merrie for Christmas and going through my photo album in my computer and this picture caught my attention. Merrie and my granddaughter Laura are sharing an ice cream cone. This family shares food like crazy. In a restaurant they just reach across and take food from each others plates like it is their own. "Let me try that" "Gee that looks so good" and out comes the hand. I can't stand this. They know that reaching on my plate could lead to a fatal wound from my fork. I'm really funny about sharing food with anyone.

I love to watch people. It is a hobby of mine. I don't judge others any more than I judge myself. I know I'm strange in some ways as I have written about that before. In fact many of you might think I'm strange for even writing a blog like this. The point is I've come to the conclusion that we human beings are an odd lot. We all have these little idiosyncrasies that for the most part are quite charming and harmless. They make us a little unique, but often we use them as weapons against one another. I can remember sitting around while one or another person is being ridiculed for a speech pattern or common mistake. Perhaps that is the most peculiar thing of all. Our need to be judge of the world. It's much more fun for me to watch the world with an inner chuckle at our little peculiarities than to look for others weaknesses to exploit. One leads to a smile the other to self protection. You see if I'm judging others I'm always fearful that they are judging me. Let's just admit it we're all just a peculiar bunch and get over it.

Marked

Things get marked in this world. I never would choose to be marked like two of my granddaughters and my daughter. They have tattoos. The one being done in the picture is a shared design on Bekah and Laura. It is there last name in the international phonetic alphabet. Most of us have scars of one type or another. I have numerous scars form accidents like fish hooks and golf club and coffee can each with their own story . I also have a few from surgeries. Some people have significant scars form burns or severe accidents that create a lifelong issue for their appearance. I touch one of my scars every day. After forty five years of marriage I have a deep depression on the third finger of my left hand. I don't know if anyone else would notice the mark, but it is there and I notice. My wedding ring was my thinking touch stone. Marsha would know when God was working overtime because I would be turning my wedding ring. I still touch that spot when I pray or if I'm in deep thought. I don't know how I came to associate that ring with deep thinking, but it always seemed funny to me that something associated with Marsha stimulated my thought because Marsha always said she never thinks like me. Most of all though I always like the point in baptism when I make the sign of the cross on the baby's forehead and say you are sealed by the Holy Spirit in baptism and marked as Christ's own forever. Some marks really matter.

Decorate! Decorate! Decorate! Not!!!

I can't believe it is three days before Christmas Eve and I do not have one decoration out in the house. Marsha had boxes of decorations for every holiday season and even non holiday seasons. Up would go kites for March winds, or flags colors for July 4th. I usually lugged the containers and helped to pack and unpack but Marsha would arrange and rearrange the contents all over the house until she was somehow satisfied with what it looked like. Christmas was certainly the biggest of the events. I must say I could not face the Christmas decoration container this year. I know where it is. I've even put my eyes on in the storage shed, but I just couldn't bring myself to decorate this year without Marsha. I don't miss that much about it I must admit. I don't need a tree or a Santa Claus or a Mrs. Claus or Christmas decorated hobby horses, but I do miss not having our Nativity scenes around. I think it is the most obvious sign that the holidays are different in missing Marsha than the normal run of the year moments. Marsha was my family and this holiday season in many ways is more family than Nativity. I must say in a different way than usual I will be glad when the holidays are over this year.

Rest

I've always said that I could fall asleep any time any place. I close my eyes intentionally change my breathing and I'm gone. I can nap for ten minutes if I want and be totally refreshed, or I can settle for a night and sleep eleven hours without rolling over if I want. I know people who have trouble sleeping and I can't understand it. Even when I worked I could always find ways to rest. As a teacher if I finished my work and had ten minutes left to my free period I'd close my eyes and sleep until the bell. As a priest I might be in my office and just put my head down and nap for ten minutes or recline my car seat in a parking lot and take a nap. I've also found that some of my best work is done while sleeping. I wake up with an idea that I know was given me during my sleep. Sermons are often composed during my sleep and I'm fortunate that I can remember them when I wake. At church today someone didn't want to shake my hand because they were sick. I said it didn't matter because I rarely get sick. I was playing golf this past week in the cold and rain and people said I should be careful not to get sick. I think rest is at the heart of good health. I know our body has the ability to heal itself when we rest. Jesus says, " Come to me all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest." It works for me. The ball game is going to be over pretty soon, then I think I'll take a short nap.

Christmas Is Coming & I Don't Know A Goose

My wife loved Christmas. Most of the time that we had grandchildren I was a priest and Christmas was just a crazy season. Christmas Eve was always church and then church with maybe a few moments in between, and Christmas Day was church and the the family celebration with me exhausted. It is funny but I never liked preaching on Christmas. It was the full church opportunity where everyone knew the story and the scriptures in some ways were pretty weak. It felt like a chance to reach new people but without the scriptures to support such a message.

Marsha got all wrapped up in Christmas. She created an Advent calendar that was the size of a wall with huge pockets for each day and serious presents in every pocket for every day for the grandchildren. That was followed by an over done number of presents for Christmas morning. The little ones, like in the picture, would get tired of opening presents and want to play with the ones they opened but had so many more to open.

At the same time that Marsha was preparing for this extravaganza, I was wearing an old beat up coat. On my chest was a big flapping cloth sign that said this is my sister's coat and over the right side pocket was a big flapping sign that said this is my brother's pocket. I wore the coat everywhere we went for the entire Advent season and when people questioned why, I told them that my brother Jesus was born poor and he had a heart for the poor and he still had lots of poor brothers and sisters. If they wanted to help them out they could put money right in my brother's pocket. I never had less than $1100 in the pocket by Christmas. The money would be allocated to ministries for the poor by a church group helping me decide what to do with the funds. Marsha didn't mind so much if I was wearing clergy clothes because people figured something was up, but she hated when we would go somewhere and I wore the coat while wearing civilian clothes. One year it was a really ugly woman's coat that was obviously a woman's coat. She hated that the most. People would often look at me like I was crazy which might be true. We did cooperate with one another in our different preparations for Christmas but our minds were in different places. I couldn't put on that coat every day and not think about Jesus and not commercialism. Marsha also always gave to the poor as well as family in her present buying food preparing way. How do you prepare for Christmas? Where is your heart these days?

Specially Created

This summer during one of our wilderness excursions my son took a picture of this toad. I've seen hundreds of these toads in all sizes during my life. Camp Dennen was full of them and we loved the bugs that they consumed. The picture looks very natural, but you are not getting a proper perspective. This toad is vertical on on the side of this rock. With it's smallish legs and big fat body I would have never believed it could do that if I hadn't seen it myself. I know more amazing things than that occur in the natural domain, but it is an example of the special abilities given to living things.

In Bible study this morning we were reading a passage in Romans. It said that we are meant to offer ourselves as a living sacrifice, and then that we will all be parts of the body of Christ with things to do for the proper functioning of the body. Each of us is meant to have specific specially given abilities for the good of the whole body. Spiritually created for a purpose like the special abilities built into so many different creatures like this toad. I don't want to be a toad but I want to fit in my place like he fit in his.

Family & Christmas

As a priest I was taught and found to be true that the holidays were among the most stressful times in the lives of families. Usually the crisis doesn't happen during the holidays but rather in the weeks immediately following. In my life the holiday season has always been a great time, although I admit it took me a little while to get the hang of giving good presents to Marsha. As a kid I waited for Christmas. It always seemed to be the most wonderful experience anyone could have. My mother was obsessed with making sure we had a spectacular Christmas. After I grew up and married our Christmas holiday always involved family. It was typically Marsha's family because mine was spread all over the place. The food and festivities were always great from Christmas Eve through Christmas Day. I have so many great memories of Christmas during the 45 years of my marriage with Marsha but none greater than our last Christmas in Taunton with both my children and all our grandchildren and even our great-grandson present. Marsha and I had so much fun getting ready for that Christmas and it was so expressive of the love we have for those people that I still can fill up with emotion when I think of all of them reading their letters and opening their gifts from our history. I will be spending Christmas with family again this year but it will most certainly be different without Marsha. I know I will relive many memories and form some new ones, but it will be sad as well to not be able to share the them with Marsha.

Walking the Beach

In the seventies this afternoon with some sun filtering through the clouds so I went for a very long beach walk. Walking on the beach is such a peaceful and prayerful activity for me. The pace of the steps and the rhythm of the breathing are comforting. I like to watch the people on the beach too. Like the shell seekers with their eyes down and intensely concentrating on every square inch in front of them and the joy when they find a treasure, or the romantics hand in hand as they stroll along gazing at each other and the ocean, or the exercise walkers who push ahead with gusto stretching out with every step. I have to admit I've been all of those. I loved to walk hand in hand with Marsha in the place we both loved, I would hunt for sharks teeth in the sand from time to time, and I would walk rapidly down the beach and back for my cardiac workout and then if it was warm enough to plunge into the water to cool off. Today I was in the exercise mode but all three groupings were present on the beach. I also walk by these giant expensive homes that overlook the ocean with balconies and decks right there with the beach in front of them. I don't see anyone out enjoying what they have paid so much to have, while thanks to the inexpensive access of Myrtle Beach State Park I get to enjoy what I didn't have to pay for. I do love my cheap walk on the beach.

The Ingathering

Last year about this time Marsha and I were out shopping for a grandmother and four of her grandchildren that were in need. This was for one of the wonderful outreach opportunities at The Church of the Resurrection. It is amazing the sheer volume of food and presents that will be accumulated at the church by Thursday night in order to begin their journey to the needy recipients. Today I was shopping. I couldn't afford to take a whole family the way we did last year, but I knew I had to take a needy individual. Shopping is done. I think I have everything I need. Wrapping comes next.

I have been getting Christmas cards from friends, especially from back home in Massachusetts. Many of them have little notes of comfort and point out that this might be a hard season for me. Some of the authors have gone through this season of life already and know of what they speak. As I was shopping today the experience was filled with that mixture of emotions common to my life since Marsha died. A joy in every selection thinking it might please someone who needs to be able to smile on Christmas. It was also a reminder of our trip to the same stores last year to fill the needs of that family. Marsha always got such a great pleasure from giving. Her heart was in it completely. It was a day of feeling connected again and a day to remember what I miss. I'm glad the joy of giving was stronger today than the sadness of not being able to do it with Marsha. She'd be happy about that too.

Beauty Is In The Eye Of The Beholder

Did you ever just stand and watch the sky change on one of the beautiful nights as the sun sets? The colors and shades of colors change in an amazing variety in a matter of minutes and the best of artists would have trouble capturing all the nuances of the transition. And yet people walk, drive, run, or stroll past such scenes over and over without noticing. We do that with people as well. especially if the beauty is internal and not external. We rush by people who we think are not the beautiful people as if they were invisible. We pass by multiple shades of a perfect sunset in human skin and are too busy or too distracted or too self absorbed to notice. I've often spoken about my experience as a priest. I'm out in the yard doing some dirty task and discover I need something at the store so I jump in the car get the item and stand in line to pay. People avoid being near me. The next day dressed in normal civilian clothes I stand in a similar line and people might acknowledge me, or maybe not but they don't avoid being near me. The next day I'm in the same line in my clergy clothes and someone is asking me to solve their marriage problems in line in three minutes or less. I'm the same guy but you wouldn't think so. Change of clothes and I'm a beautiful person all of a sudden. How much we miss with our judgements. The beauty we walk by every day without appreciating it. I've known lots of externally beautiful people that I would just as soon have missed, but you just can't tell without taking the time to get to know them.

Lighthouses

What is it about lighthouses? Everybody takes pictures of lighthouses it seems. Everyone who is along a coast seems to visit lighthouses. My friend Pete takes care of a lighthouse. He likes it a lot. People visit the little island where he keeps the lighthouse and he talks with them and he makes sure that everything is in good shape. He doesn't stay there but goes out by boat and back home at night. Is it their odd shape that draws people like to windmills? Is it their location overlooking the water and shore that people are drawn to? Is it their history of protection for boats and ships? Most boats today of any size have radar and sonar and GPS navigation. They don't needed a lighthouse to know where they are very much. The rest of the boats probably should not be out there when you would need a lighthouse anyway. What is this fascination with lighthouses? I had two brother-in-laws who collected models of lighthouses, only one survives now. Maybe artists and photographers just wouldn't have enough to do without them. Maybe it is that image of the light that shines in the darkness. Man of us don't like the dark. Many people fear the dark, but the darkness can not overcome the light. Last night I went to Brookgreen Gardens with a friend for the festival of a thousand lights. I didn't count them but I bet there were closer to a million lights. The sculpture and the gardens were terrific in the daylight and the whole facility was magnificent when it got dark and the hundreds and thousands of candles were lit floating in the fountains and lining the walkways. The electric lights in the trees added something as well. It was beautiful. Believe me there was light and the darkness could not overcome it. This year may the light of the world shine in your life and overcome the darkness and fear. May you accept the light of Christ and become a lighthouse in the dark places with some of that mystical magnetism that still draws people to these outposts on the shore. May the light in you become the protector and guider of your life and others. The world is a dark place looking for the light. Let there be light.

Hospitality

Throughout our married life our home had an open door. Visitors of one type or another were always found around our table, and some living in our home. Our friends Pat & Dave would come to the rectory in Taunton and say that the bed and breakfast was perfect once again. We always loved that part of our life together, that sharing of our home and our table. So many laughs, so many memories are found in those moments. I have company in my home this week. I have not had company here since Marsha passed away. I don't know how many people I have offered the chance to get away to Myrtle Beach for free, but it is many. At last someone has come who believes that it was not just Marsha who loved to welcome people and serve people and allow our home to be an inn for the wandering. What a wonderful day yesterday, filled with good conversation and time to share memories. This guest also plays golf so we had a great day on a golf course although golf is not a necessary ingredient in a visit.

I have often said that one of the problems in the church is that many people want to use the gifts God has given them but few people are willing to receive them. What good is the gift of healing if nobody will receive the laying on of hands. What good is the gift of teaching if nobody will come to be taught. The Body of Christ is paralyzed because we want to be so independent that we don't need each other. Well that's what it feels like to not have anyone accept my gift of hospitality. This week feels good. Marsha & I loved having company and people felt loved, well I still do love to serve people and make them feel welcome in the home God has given me.

Winter Treat

Two of my granddaughters are walking the beach at Myrtle Beach State Park in the picture today. I love that beach and having it so close by is so great. Marsha loved that beach too and picked it as a home for her ashes as will be true for some of mine. Some of mine are also destined for Camp Dennen. There is a small pond at Camp Dennen but it is not for the water that I choose that place. It was part of my calling from God and will never lose it's value to me.

I believe there is a rhythm to life and we can find it the music of the waves, but ponds don't sing loud enough for me. Even just walking on the beach with the waves beside me just somehow seems to synchronize my body with the ebb and flow intended for my life. I relax and let life move at God's pace instead of mine. Yesterday was one of those great days in winter for the beach. It was comfortable in the seventies and although the sun was not out constantly it came out and went in changing the appearance of the beach and the water each time. I had my shirt off part of the time even though the wind was howling and the waves were crashing. It restores my soul as part of God's plan for me. I think that is why I love floating in the ocean so much. That rhythm just gets in my bones and I feel renewed. I'm glad Marsha chose that place for her ashes, now I have two reasons to walk by the sea, each with it;s own way of touching me and healing me and renewing me.

Survival Scars

As my son and grandson and I hiked in the Maine wilderness last summer, my son took many pictures. Some were of nature like the picture here of this double burl on this tree. A burl is most commonly caused by the tree covering and surviving an insect or other infestation. Nature has provided ways for biological survival by creating all kinds of scars and blemishes needed for healing. After my cancer surgery the vertical incision in my abdomen became infected and needed to be opened and healed slowly. My grandchildren always called me Bumpa, but after that scar I became double Bumpa because of the particular appearance of the scar. We also form many protective scars to hide the emotional and psychological wounds that life brings our way. Although these scars may serve a temporary purpose unlike some physical scars they can cause an ongoing and harmful protective reaction. Anything that keeps us from being open to giving and receiving love for example needs permanent healing not emotional scar tissue. Some people develop an ongoing completely negative world view that keeps them from enjoying life. Again this is usually a response to some temporary circumstance that takes on permanent effects. Or not trusting anyone or perfectionist tendencies or not trying for fear of failure or any number of other ways we hide our hurts. Sometimes I wish these emotional scars were as visible as those burls. Maybe then we wouldn't be able to miss them or pretend that they don't bother us. Maybe then we would really take seriously healing rather than scars. I saw the movie "Precious" today and real people experience real life like this young woman. Precious lived through horrific life conditions, but the story is one of brave survival and hope. Overcoming adversity is hard but indeed possible. If we truly engage in healing we would stop passing on the same garbage to the next generation, and we would find peace and joy for ourselves in the process.

Passion

The picture I used today is a repeat of Marsha with two of her former students. Yesterday I received a request to accept a new friend. The person noted that Marsha and I had an effect on her family some years back at Camp Dennen. After I accepted her as a friend she asked me to let Marsha know how much she appreciated her as a teacher in the 7th grade. I let her know that Marsha had passed away. It made me think again about the effect someone can have when they live out their real passion, and an even better effect when it is passion for the common good. I also told her that Marsha loved her students as much if not more than her students could ever love her. Her passion was for their lives at the same time as she was teaching them their education for the future. She was loved and admired by her students because they knew she gave one hundred percent to her role in their lives. Her love was so genuine and her concern so constant that she succeeded with students many more times she was unable to reach some. I've tried to live my life with passion with Marsha as my example to emulate. You know a worthy goal sought and lived out with passion is the best source of a good life. The peace and joy that God promises exist in that place where we accept and live out out highest calling, His purpose for our lives.

Dragonflies

A quiz book we were using this summer with unusual factoids said that an adult dragonfly only lived for 24 hours. This is not accurate but a dragonfly adult life is very short, like a couple of weeks if they are not terminated early. Maybe the book was speaking of an average adult because so many die prematurely, I don't know. The point is they live long enough to accomplish their purpose. Between what they eat and what they feed, they fill their niche in whatever time they have. We look at a lifetime in funny ways. I get a kick out of young people thinking I'm so old. I can remember thinking that about adults when I was a kid. It is even funnier when they react to the fact that my mother is still alive and active. 89 years old is beyond them. We too however have an expiration date. Our life cycle has a limited time. Averages might change as nutrition, environment and medicine effect our survival, but it doesn't make our body immortal. Unlike many of our biological companions on this earth, we seem to have a variety of niches to fill and a complicated roles and functions. Our problem at times is we think everyone else should be like us. In the big picture I think we all have one purpose, to glorify God, but individually our paths have variety and uniqueness. Be yourself, live the life God gave you, fill your niche, find your purpose. Your more than a dragonfly and yet you too have a finite moment in time.

Advent & America?

In the church year this is new years. We begin again the timeless cycle of the church year in this season of expectant waiting. We live in this time preparing to receive the gift of God we remember each Christmas, but also we wait for the return of the King of Kings and Lord of Lords in His next and final coming. I'm sure this was a very important and serious season in other periods of history or maybe even now in different cultures in our world today, but America has a hard time waiting for anything. We are so spoiled with getting what we want immediately that waiting is foreign to us.

Dawn is such a beautiful time of the day. I enjoy the moments of looking at the day in this it's time of promise. At dawn the reality is not quite here but you can begin to see the hope of the new day. Often nobody else is moving around my environment so whatever the day will bring is not going to happen at dawn, but I'm often confident what the day will eventually bring. It's that here now but not quite moment filled with expectation that gives us double enjoyment. Nothing is immediate. Today can't happen without yesterday. Whatever is meant for tomorrow needs the experience of today. We can't get to anything of value without the fullness of time that leads us to it. I have some nice toys that give me real joy like my Ipod and this computer. Who would have thought that I would be sending a blog out into the blogosphere almost every day. In the fullness of time there it was, a magical possibility that I didn't even know I was waiting for, but indeed I had to wait until I was ready for it and it was ready for me. We need to be a more patient people. We need the Advent principle. Be ready but constantly prepare, wait but wait in expectation. Not settle for what we think we need, but really search for what is best. Waiting is a lost art and a desirable one too. I guess that's why Advent comes first.

A Small Change Big Effect

Marsha and I had routines in life like most people. I got up and made the coffee and when Marsha got up I was wide awake and had the breakfast duty for her, When I came home everything stopped and we would just talk about the day. We had so many little ways are lives worked together. One almost constant reality was that after dinner we would turn on the TV and watch Law and Order or NCIS reruns. Marsha would fall sleep in less than a half hour and I would sit there watching TV alone the rest of the night. Often when I tried to wake her for bed she would just roll over and stay on the coach until sometime in the middle of the night. I would go to sleep alone at nine and I still do.

Things are on the surface not much different now except there is no sleeping body on the coach while I watch TV or go to sleep, but it feels very different. My most difficult time of the day is most certainly night time. The rest of life works pretty easily and the memories are good and wonderful and make life better. Evenings are a different experience. Although she didn't make any noise the house seems too quiet. Although I have on the same TV and I even listen louder than Marsha would allow it is still too quiet. It is not all bad. I do think I should miss her and that is the time I am most aware of what I've lost and what I miss. I would never have thought that loneliness could be a gift but in a strange way it is.

Control An Illusion

I wonder how much control you think you have over your own life. A lot? A little? None? Some? I've recently been thinking about life like a river. Often the river is flowing along in a kind of meandering peaceful sort of flow and we feel like we are in complete control. Other times are more like the river in the picture and it feels like nothing can stop, slow down or change the course of the water. In rivers like this you can see boulders that prove no match for the swirling agitated flow. Still other times feel as out of control as Niagara Falls which is the other picture. Such a powerful falling flow that we can feel overwhelmed. In any case all of those rivers are out of control. They all obey gravity alone. I'm not trying to say that our lives are that much out of our control, but out of control they are. Going back to the movie "Blind Side" that I wrote about previously, you can see his life just happened. The chances of someone in Michael's situation finding any resources to help let alone the fantastic blessings that just appeared in his path are miniscule. Or take the four police officers in Washington state who were starting the day at a breakfast spot going over cases it seems when suddenly they are killed and their families lives altered forever. Or something as simple as your wife getting sick, or you lose your job, or your marriage ends. You could write about many many other boulders that could change the flow of your river dramatically. One problem is facing our own lack of control which can create fear. The other problem is assigning too much control to everybody else. How many people in Michael's circumstances have we condemned because we wanted to think they had complete control of their lives and environments. My river of life has run a unique course this year. At some points I have had a generous amount of control over my path, but at others I've had no control over my situation, just my response. We all have a similar mixture in our journey down life's river.

God's Vision

A deanery in the Episcopal Church is a collection of parishes that meat together with a priest leader called the dean. Most deaneries are little more than a group of competitive clergy protecting their turf and gathering only to brag about what is happening in their parish. My deanery in South Carolina has seven congregations, and we are working to create mutual ministry and mission. Cooperation is our plan and serving Christ together our purpose. That made me think about the lack of cooperation I see in so many places, in fact at times in me.

I grew up as an intense competitor. Card games in my family were not fun. My wife avoided games and me with every once of her being. I am much better in my old age, and cooperation and coordination are now admirable goals. Family life, work environments, churches, neighborhoods and other ways people interact would be so much better if we could live that cooperative spirit. Psychologists and counselors find the holiday season particularly busy because being with families causes so much stress. The group we should be most willing to be cooperative with is among the most challenging. One of my favorite poems is Mending Walls by Robert Frost and particularly his questioning what walls keep in and what walls keep out and how he is not sure it is such a good thing. Cooperation means connecting not separating, it means joining not giving up on, it means investing not selling out. Loneliness is dead when we cooperate.

Practice Makes Perfect

Does anyone really believe that practice makes perfect? I have done a lot of things in my life over and over again and with some of them I have even improved. I would have to say however that perfection escapes me. I picked the picture of a golf outing because nothing disproves that often turned phrase about practice than golf. Every step forward is always met with at least one step back and sometimes more. I have spent some recent days hitting extra golf balls on a driving range trying to practice and improve my golf swing and it made me think about practice. I must admit I have had some success but not perfection. When I was young I practiced basketball enough that I did have consistent success with that. Why is it that we try so hard to better ourselves at trivial things but lack motivation to practice significant things? Why not practice forgiveness? Maybe we wouldn't need so many tranquilizers or blood pressure medications. Why not practice gratitude? Maybe we could cut in half the number of people on anti-depressants. Why not practice patience? Imagine the world if we all were truly patient with one another. How about unconditional love, or not judging one another, or compliments. Imagine a world where we really tried to get better at some important things that would change the world. I wish that practice would make my golf game perfect, but I really wish that I was practicing the important things as much as I practice my golf. How about you?

The Patriarch

My family is so photogenic. Aren't they simply the cutest? I have more than one picture that is as cute as this. After Thanksgiving at Merrie's home and a lot of the summer in young Dana's home it is clear that a family that I would have called a matriarchal family is now by default a patriarchal family. One thing for sure is I didn't earn it. I don't know what it means to be a patriarch but I guess I'm it. My wisdom has not increased, nor anything else I can figure out. I know I don't want to be in charge, and I certainly don't want to even give that much advice. My children and grandchildren are very capable people living lives in some different arenas than mine. Even the teachers are in disciplines foreign to me. I guess I like the fact that people treat me special, but I'd be happy just to be a proud father and grandfather. I'm afraid that with looks like the ones in the picture I might be in trouble. Who could lead a tribe like that?

Too Much Excitement

This is what I think of the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. It must have been just too much excitement for these old bones. It's a good thing the joy doesn't come from the activities because we all love different things don't we? I can appreciate the love of theatre that exists in this branch of my family, and I even enjoy theatre, but they approach it like I approach football or golf, maybe even just a little lower than I approach God. No the joy doesn't come from the activities it comes from the community. It comes from sharing life with people and even more joy is possible when they are people you really love. I had that experience in Maine this summer and am enjoying that experience here in Georgia over these few days.

When I wrote about the Thanksgiving traditions I left one out. It was going around the table and sharing something we our thankful for this year. It was moving in many ways because the sharing included that step into the future of being thankful for new additions to the circle, but mine was about a subtraction from the circle. I said that although I miss Marsha daily I am thankful because it has helped me to focus on all the wonderful things we had done together. I remember her and almost see her better today than when she was beside me every day. I don't think I'm idealizing her, because I can just as easily remember the ways we were oil and water to each other, and her stubbornness (not mine of course), and even some of that makes me smile in hind sight. I'm also grateful that my four grandchildren got to really know Marsha, and love her as I do. I am thankful that I am one lucky Bumpa to have my adult children and my adult and almost adult grandchildren. The picture with me and the girls expresses as well as anything how lucky I am. God is good all the time, and some times we even see it.

Enjoyment

Laura is home for the weekend and she has a long distance relationship with a young man who is teaching and working as a theatre tech at Auburn University. Today was the first chance I had to meet Chris and four of us went out geocaching. This high tech scavenger hunt is played with a GPS device and some computer directions. We spent time seeing the area and searching for these hidden locations. It was good to be together and I do enjoy the hunt. It gave a chance to get to know Chris a little and I think that is important to Laura. I enjoyed that time. Geocaching is not something I would do on my own, but it is creative and enjoyable. People come up with all kinds of ways to prepare and present their scavenger hunt items.

It amazes me the variety of things that interest people and fill their time. I certainly enjoy golf and the beach, but they would not be enough if I did not have the church and my relationship with the Lord. I know people look at what I do and think that it might be enjoyable but they could not get into it the way I do. I think especially when I go out in the water and just float for a very long time, people don't understand the attraction to this particular inactive activity. To most it looks boring but those same people would probably find silent meditation at home boring. For me it is the place where I cement the peace in my soul that is my anchor in life. We are all so different.

I'm happy to be here with Merrie and Rich and Bekah and Jen and Laura and Chris. It does seem that a place is empty but the spirit in the gathering is joyful and I am so glad to be here. It is only a few days, but Thanksgiving has always been a family time and this is the part of my family that I will enjoy the experience of giving thanks with this year. Some things new, some things familiar, some things gone, but enjoyment is still to be found in my life with those God has provided for me to give and receive love. Family, friends, pilgrims on the journey and those who are yet to be included fill life with blessings. We don't have to hunt for that we just need to be open to share ourselves.

Thanksgiving

I looked in my photo album for a turkey for Thanksgiving but the closest thing I had was a picture of Becky & Amanda who I called big turkey & little turkey. They have nothing to do with Thanksgiving other than I give thanks that I have known them. It is the time of the year that we are supposed to think about all those things we are thankful for. This year has been a very different year for me. It was a year of loss and of sadness and it would be easy to focus on those things. I choose to look at what I can be and am thankful for today. I am thankful because, although I think I always had a good relationship with my children and grandchildren, I actually think it is better now. We have placed a greater value on our family relationships now that Marsha is not with us. I think we took things for granted before and have learned that is not good. I am thankful that I have a beautiful home which Marsha put together and which is a constant and wonderful reminder of her talents and her love for me. I am thankful for God continuing to have a purpose for my life in serving him. I am thankful for friends all over the place but especially the support of Pat & Dave who keep me on track. I'm thankful for my church and the way they have lived the saying "church family" with me. I could name still others given time. So in this different and challenging year it is still time to recognize the goodness all around me and the blessings that fill my life. Happy Thanksgiving Everyone, especially to you big turkey and little turkey, it still makes me smile!!!

Good Cry Today

Today was one of those days. I recorded the movie Ghost with my DVR and watched it this morning. It was really the first time that I have had prolonged tears. As Dimmy Moore was missing her dead husband in the movie I was feeling my own loss. It amazes me how it comes and goes and it can be so quick. One minute I am having no recognized thought about Marsha and life just seems to be moving on and the next I'm deeply sad or deeply lonely. I can see her in so many things and sometimes feel her presence. Often these occur without the intense emotions, but sometimes without rational explanation I feel overcome by emotion. I know this is part of the healing process, but that sounds so impersonal. Marsha is not a process, but I guess my grief is. Maybe it is the holiday season that is beginning to dawn on me, or maybe it's just time for this to happen in my grieving. I do know that it is not all bad, because in those moments when I miss her the most and am the most emotional, in a strange way I feel the closest to her. I'm not saying I want to hold on to this sadness, but the reality is this journey has strange twists and turns. I don't know what is around the next corner but today was an emotional turn for a time. We'll see what's next.

The Blind Side

I went to the movies today and saw "The Blind Side". It is the second Sandra Bullock movie of the year that I thought was fantastic. "The Proposal" was the funniest movie from beginning to end that I have ever seen, but this movie was solid for a good true story with a meaningful message. I know that it is impossible to come up with simple solutions to complex problems, but this movie certainly points out the bottom line in some of those complex problems. I always like movies that are true stories even though they might have been dramatized a little. Michael Orr had a terrible life and would have been given no chance at success when he ends up in a good school and then becomes included in a good wealthy home. Not only did he show he was not dumb, but he showed his principles. The characters in the family and the teachers are interesting as well. This movie is a feel good movie that gives you so much to think about. I'm glad I like Sandra Bullock because I might have missed two great entertainment opportunities if I didn't like to see her movies. She may not be the best actress ot the most beautiful either, but her movies are usually worth the price of admission.

God is so Good

Today is Christ the King Sunday. The last Sunday in Pentecost is always Christ the Kong Sunday. Next week is the church new year. I was asked to preach today at all three services. Almost everyone who knows me as having been their priest knows that I start Sunday at the church very early praying for everyone who will come. Praying over classrooms and pews and parish halls. I also kneel in prayer in the sanctuary asking God to give me His final word for my sermon. This morning as I prayed, God showed me the two banners on the wall behind the altar, and a way to use them as a conclusion to the message he had already given me. The left hand banner is the crown of the king while the right hand banner is the symbols for the Alpha and Omega, Christ the beginning and the end. I was so surprised and awe struck by the inspiration that I was just praising God and teary eyed as I got up and walked around the worship space. I never cease to be amazed by the grace of God. You would think after all this time that nothing could surprise me, but I really find God amazing again and again. He somehow manages to get my attention and show me amazing things as I try to follow Him. If He doesn't do it for anyone else, I know He impresses me. Thank you God for your faithfulness, and the power of your spirit. God is good all the time, all the time God is good.

The Frog Prince

You've heard the saying that a woman has to kiss a lot of frogs before she finds her prince charming. That old fairy tale about the princess who kisses a from and it turns into her prince charming is obviously following the same train of thought. Well I don't know how many frogs Marsha kissed before me, but I was definitely a frog when Marsha first kissed me, and in her eyes I eventually became her prince charming. I know the first time we dated she absolutely thought I was a frog, in fact she didn't even want to ever see me again. I was in many ways a real loser. I'm not here to say that Marsha's kisses were magical in any serious way, but somehow in the light of her love magically I began to be transformed. I'm watching the movie "Shallow Hal" that I recorded on my DVR. I can identify. I looked at people in very shallow ways. When I was rector in Whitman we spent a lot of time working on our relationship as empty nest second half of marriage people. For one date I took her to the place in Bridgewater where I first realized that I loved her, and told her about how I realized I absolutely loved her. It was simply a parking place on the street by the dining hall building. We sat in the car and talked about anything and everything. She was bright and intelligent and funny and interesting. She was a real woman with a strong identity and a woman with courage and convictions. She had a depth that won my heart. I still wasn't a prince charming not even her prince charming but metamorphosis had begun, I was in her spell and the rest was history.

Remembrance

The picture today as bad as it is was taken as I fed Marsha cake after our wedding ceremony. The other day I was traveling up and then a couple of days later down route 95 through New York. I turned off at Mamarooneck NY. Marsha and I had headed for New York City for a one night honeymoon but did not make it. We took the exit into Mamarooneck and found a motel just after the Washington Arms restaurant. Our meal in that facility that night was my introduction to formal dining. Marsha began to teach me what I should do even there at the beginning. Remembrance is a funny thing. Outside our room was some sort of machine that made horrible noises all night and the room felt about 100 degrees, but it was a special trip anyway. It seemed like the beginning of an us against the world adventure and I thought even then that I had a new and powerful partner for the adventure. We had nothing and yet we had the world. We did not know how we were going to get from point A to Z, but we were brazen in our confidence and our fantasies.

In an earlier blog I mentioned seeing the movie UP with young Jake Tricket. This weekend I was in conversation with my friend Don Blackwell after he had watched the movie with his granddaughter. We talked about the album where the female character was going to paste all the memories from their far off adventure, the adventure that never happened. At the end of the movie the male character opened the scrapbook to find it full of everyday memories and at the end a note thanking him for the great adventure. Passing our honeymoon spot reminded me of all those early dreams and struggles as fantasies were molded into reality. Life day by day still formed the path to a great adventure, just not the one we planned. In fact it was so much better than our dreams, I'm glad we stayed awake and didn't miss it.

To Be A Lover

Most of you know that when Marsha and I met, dated, and married I was an atheist. I'm not sure all atheists are as self-centered as I was, but I do think they get very wrapped up in their own thoughts and think of any other thinking as foolish or stupid. Well that was me until Marsha gradually but relentlessly loved me even ahead of herself, and she both showed me how to live and expected me to live a similar kind of life.

I just finished a funeral for a long time friend who was also the brother of my my brother's wife Marcia. Teddy was a character of the first order. He definitely marched to his own drummer and some of his choices put his own health at risk. Many looking from the outside at his life would not see someone who could make God happy. Teddy, however, was a lover, and God loves a lover. God's example like Marsha's was to give of himself completely to others, but unlike Marsha that meant giving himself much more completely. Putting others before yourself is a standard that can be found in scripture all over the place. Teddy always listened and cared about what was happening in other peoples lives. He went out of his way to care for others. One example was his disabled friend Pete who Teddy took out of the house and brought places even when he had nothing to offer Teddy. That's God's type of love.

I've said often that one aspect of God's transformation is to turn us around from selfishness to loving. I always wanted to be a lover but for many years I had the wrong definition. My definition was self serving. I was so lucky to learn to be a true lover. I thank God that he never let me go my self-centered way. I can't imagine going back to the lifestyle that says all decisions should be made for our informed self interest. Happiness is not found there. As for me I like to be a lover.

For the Birds

I have a condo that is half of a duplex with a nice big yard, but we're not allowed to put things out in the yard that could interfere with the landscape people who mow and take care of the outside. I recently found these suction hangers that hold bird feeders and so I have a couple of bird feeders attached the my windows of my family room. Some birds have started to come to the feeder but they have not been found by that many birds yet. In my travels to Massachusetts this week I again visited with my friends Don & Tammy Blackwell. I had spent time there last summer when I took the attached picture on Don's deck. I sat in the early morning this week and watched the birds come and go from the feeders. It amazed me how they come as families. First several titmice come flittering in and out then almost as if it were according to some unknown signal they would stop coming and it would be time for the cardinal family, then maybe the sparrow family or tribe and then maybe the bluejays and separately a flicker or a dove. It was orchestrated segregation of the bird feeder. It seemed to me strange that the different kinds of birds didn't seem to be able to share the same feeder at the same time. What is it about nature that creates such separation. It seems as though fear or something just inserts itself into the middle of so many opportunities for humans the same way. We cling in our own little worlds holding onto our own little notions about life and about others who might be included or excluded from it. Maybe it is more natural than we think, but with our human intelligence we ought to be able to overcome what apparently functions in other parts of the natural order. Don says the bluejays are the bullies in the crowd. I've met a few of those in human groups as well. We let the strong manipulate others sometimes and we all lose in the bargain. All I can say is as far as I'm concerned this separation is for the birds.

The Ultimate Chearleader

Marsha used to say that the only skill she had was to clap for everyone else. Yeh Dana and Yeh Merrie and Yeh Little D. Each of us had our chances to receive the gift of Marsha's pride. She loved us and supported us with every once of her being. Most of the time I don't think she realized how talented she was because she was so focused on everyone else. At church today the scripture brought to mind the contrast between living with the spotlight on yourself and seeking to get more than you give, as compared with a life that shines the spotlight on others while giving to others even before yourself. It is the nature of God who created everything for us and doesn't need a thing from us in return. I mean if my kids can't think of what to get me for Christmas what do we think we have that God would need. God instead wants to give and give and give, and he wants us to live his kind of giving, serving life as well. That was my Marsha always wanting the best for everyone else, while making personal sacrifices in her own life. Every time I hear new news about one of our family members or friends I can here Marsha clapping again. Forrest gets his license Yeh, Laura's play goes well Yeh, Merrie's kids make it to states Yeh. Again and again she is just our private cheerleader, well Yeh Marsha God's good and faithful servant.

The American Dream

Marsha and I grew up in families that often times had to rob Peter to pay Paul as the saying goes. We didn't starve and always had a roof over our heads but it was well known in our families that money was tough and especially in the winter. Our generation was given a leg up by our parents generation. My brother Terry and I got to go to college and Marsha's mother who always wanted to go to school made sure her children got educated if they could or would. I appreciate what others have done for me. I know I'm not living the life I live because by some special quality of mine as if I deserve it while others don't. I was lucky to be born into opportunities that not everyone had or even have today. I didn't somehow earn this possibility in fact I even made valiant attempts to throw it away at times. I can see in my own life the sacrifice that gave me personally the opportunities that I've had and brought to me the blessed life I now live. Our families sacrifices were real and important for us as individuals. Life would not be the same in my world if they had not occurred.

With that in mind, today is Veteran's Day. We can only guess or imagine what the world would be like today without our veterans. We speak of the freedom we enjoy in this country and I know many of the veterans died or suffered so I can enjoy them, but what would the world be like without American veterans. Democratic life really sprung forth as a possibility as a result of our revolutionary war veterans. Democracy swept other parts of the world as well as our own. The Holocaust would not have ended without the bravery of American soldiers in World War II. Where would Hitler have been stopped and what would that mean for the world. Even peace time veterans and those of other conflicts, those approved and those disapproved, showed that this country will stand and fight for democracy. As a young man I tried to enlist while I was on probation with legal issues and they wouldn't take me, so I'm not one of those veterans, but today I honor those of you who are. You too have given me a leg up toward a dream I don't deserve and I life I never earned.

We still may have too many who can't get to where I am, and we need to recognize that none of us deserves what we have. Working so all can share in the blessings of this country is what all those veterans served and died for. May the dream for all Americans continue today and always. Our veteran's sacrifices deserves that much from us all.