House In Order

Part of the challenge of Marsha being sick and in fact an ongoing challenge is keeping the house in order. After visitors leave it is the wash and dry the sheets and redo the beds for the next set of guests who might be coming. I have continued to take on the house. I was a little worried that without Marsha I would fall into bad habits and the house would start to resemble a dump, but I have been really good at keeping things up. I love our house. I love my house. It is such a comfortable place to live and it really is pretty easy to keep in good shape. During this time of Marsha's illness I had the chance to practice with her careful eye still upon me. I think that helped me know that I could do it and still have a lot of free time. Marsha was an excellent teacher and things like cleaning the house and taking care of clothes without ruining them and cooking were the least of her lessons for me. I hope I helped her learn some important lessons too, but I know I learned to be a man because I was lucky enough to have her in my life. When we married I think we were both immature in many ways. Both very capable people with good minds and an ethic of hard work, but both with real holes in our life that made things more difficult. She was more patient with me than I ever deserved. Although I might have helped her to grow as well I don't think she found me patient with her. We both ended up so different from the young kids who got married at twenty and started playing house. The only regret I think either of us had in the end was that our own kids didn't get the best of who we could be. Their kids did. because we had become better people by then. Hindsight doesn't hold regret for me. I can't change a thing, but I treasure who Marsha helped me become, and I treasure her and still do.

Relax Day

The picture is not the family that we had been spending time with this time last year. The picture is Marsha and I with our grandkids, our daughter and our son-in-law at The Melting Pot. Marsha loved family gatherings. Almost nothing made her happier than to be with family and the last couple of days have been no exception. You could just see her spirits lifted even though it was also clear that she was not well. It is an amazing part of the human spirit that people can garner such strength of spirit in moments of such great challenge. I have been regularly talking to my friend Allen Cornell since I found out about his severe crisis with the cancer in many parts of his body. I know that Allen is a man of faith so, like Marsha, I'm not surprised that he is certain about his eternity. What is surprising is the infectious positive attitude he has every time I talk to him. He is open about what is happening to him and clear about the end being near and yet his joy and sense of humor are evident in every moment. He gave up all pain medication so he can have quality time with the people around him. That is what I saw again and again with Marsha in those days. Her family left on the plane this night and you could see some loss of that lifted spirit after. It must take some effort to rise above the circumstances, but it is just something else that people like Marsha do for others at their own expense.

A Day Away

Last year Ken and I went for a tourist day. I showed him a little of this area. The weather was great and Marsha was in good hands with her sisters with one an experienced nurse. I must admit I was relaxed and at ease with the time away. It was as if my brain shut down in the strain and stress arena. We then went to Huntington Beach State Park and walked through the old mansion. After that it was off to Georgetown for another tourist trip. We walked the center and the waterfront and had lunch in one of the downtown small restaurants. Most important it had been a long time since Ken and I spent any time really talking. It was a really wonderful day. Although we approach things from a very different point of reference it was clear we share much of the same vision of life. Our path and vocabulary seemed so parallel while coming from different places. Our reconnection felt really good to me. Marsha's family, after so many years, does feel like mine also and Marsha and I had felt somewhat disconnected from them over the past few years. We returned to my home in the late afternoon and for me it was like a vacation. We found the others at home and the rest of the day seemed equally relaxed. Marsha's test had gone smoothly and they had spent a good day as well.

More Company

Dottie, Ken, & Janice, arrived this morning and it was a delightful day. The sun was out and it was warm and a good add for Myrtle Beach. Obviously we met with the undertone of Marsha's reality. The Spirit flight from Boston arrives very early so we had the whole day for visiting. Marsha seemed to put all her effort into the times when we had guests. They did not see the struggles that she showed those of us who were here all the time. It was just one more way that she showed here strength. It was good to see the family together. Over the latter years with our living out of Wrentham and all our families growing older the really close feelings we had together in earlier years had faded. We shared less of our lives and got together only for major family events. This clearly was a major family event. I watched as Marsha reconnected with her siblings in ways she needed to proceed with that deep peace she carried through her last weeks. I was so happy to see them together. Shared stories and some discussion of the cancer and Marsha's future had the mood going up and down from laughter to tears. I also was being carried with the events and my life in Marsha's family had been so long that many of the stories I shared as well. I can remember Marsha and I going to bed very grateful that they had come. The next day was another test day, but this day had been free. It worked out perfectly and although Marsha was very tired she was as pleased as I was about how the day had gone.

Testing

Last year Marsha was having a test today. It was a PET scan whatever that is. I took her to the Grand Strand Regional South and waited for all the paper work and preliminary preparations to be completed. I left for a little while during the test but was back to pick her up. Nerves were around before but she was calm and complimentary of the staff after the procedure. I came to appreciate that people who deal with cancer are either because they are trained to be particularly sensitive or they are picked because they are particularly sensitive. It seems like the personnel really fit the bill. We knew in advance that we wouldn't know any more after the test than we did before, but it was another piece in preparing the plan for Marsha's treatment options. It was good to have another step done. Marsha was looking forward to a visit from her family. One step at a time things were being put in order.

Reflections

I find the reflections I've been engaged in over the past weeks beneficial. In my blog I have been reciting the details and sharing the journey of events and decisions and people, but although I probably won't share what has been going on inside, the reflections have been the most important part. At key moments in life as I reflect on events I can see my own humanity more clearly, and at the same time it is among the places to do theology. I've always said that theology is that intersection between me, God and the rest of humanity. Although the abstract thinkers who develop theology may have value, for me real theology is found in the practical application of practical ideas about God that work in the real circumstances of life. The ideas must still find their affirmation in the scriptures, but it is faithfully applied biblical truth in the intersection of life. Nothing has encouraged me to find my practical theology like the moments of my problem solving through life. I have been in that place of reflection for this entire year, but especially as I have relived the events of Marsha's illness and death. I'm certainly not saying I have all the answers, but I've found some clarity about the questions and I think I've moved some of my answers along. Reacting to life is fine, but for me reflecting on life is divine or points to the divine. I think often during the day about what to write here and I think often the more important things don't even make the blog. Reflections, yes reflections, I love them.

Weekend Waiting

The coming week for us would be a busy but important one. The week will be filled with tests and a visit from two of Marsha's sisters and her remaining brother. Marsha hated being poked and prodded and the idea of tests was not making for a good weekend. Knowing that she was dying and seeing her family for what might be the last time was also weighing on her heart. Wanting very much to see the people you love and at the same time knowing that it will be difficult, gives you those mixed emotions. I think we also had company from Bekah being here early and Laura being here later on. I think they were here together for one of the days but that part becomes a little confused in my mind. I know that Marsha had already seen Bekah but was so glad that Laura could be here. Laura is soft and sensitive and Marsha definitely wanted to spend time with her and ease her mind as much as possible. For me the visits of Merrie, Bekah and Laura were a great lift. It was as if the emotion was spread out on all of us. That seems funny as I write it because Marsha was very good at not splashing her emotions all over the place. She really was so amazingly anchored in her faith and I was more emotional than I think she was. Maybe it was my emotion that was being spread around not hers. I know the times Marsha and I had company in our home were not in any way unwelcome. I know that if somehow I was going to plan the way the time would be used from her entering the hospital until her death I would have made things more difficult not less. I think I would have been more protective of Marsha's rest, and our private time together and I would have been wrong. Marsha knew what everyone needed and she needed to have all these things happen for her own well being as well. I guess that is why God didn't put me in charge.

Jumped the Gun

I think I've really gotten ahead of myself already. As I thought about the meeting with the doctor, it was on Thursday last year which makes it Friday this year so yesterday I was a day ahead. Put yesterday on replay and we're caught up.

One of the blessings in this whole scenario was the grace and peace Marsha exhibited all through these days. One of the most important things is that when things were difficult Marsha made it easier. Life was indeed challenging but I know I how hard similar circumstances were for others when I was their priest. With Marsha's grace and God's presence it was much easier on all of us, and I can only believe for Marsha herself. She managed to keep her smile and her sense of humor. The breathing issues worried her and made her uncomfortable, but at this time she managed to keep her modesty and dignity. I've known for a very long time that I was a lucky guy. Lucky that somehow my eyes were opened to a loving God and Christ my savior. Lucky that Marsha found the same god with me. Lucky that our life grew better and better together as time went on. Lucky that we knew the blessing of a contented life together even to the end. She was the greatest human blessing that anyone could ask for. A lucky man indeed.

Off To The Doctor

Today was the day last year when we met the oncologist. The four of us got ready in the morning and headed to 82nd Ave to find the doctor. We made it with plenty of time and sat in the waiting room for some time before Marsha was called. Some of the time was filled with the usual assortment of forms to be filled out. They first took Marsha in for some preliminary things before seeing the doctor. The usual blood work and vital statistics or course. Finally we were invited in to join Marsha and we were shown to a consultation room. All four of us in a relatively small space but it worked. Dr. Cody was wonderful. She was clear about what they knew at that point and talked about the type of cancer and the tests that were needed to accurately stage the cancer before treatment. When it came to questions we asked about the oxygen. Marsha had been trying to reduce the use of oxygen and we wanted to know how long it would take to get her off the oxygen. Marsha was greatly disappointed when the doctor said that she would not be able to stop the oxygen and struggling to reduce the use was not helpful. I think Marsha hated the idea of being hooked up permanently even to oxygen, and especially the out in public portable oxygen. We had all stated that we would always support what Marsha wanted so we did not push for the big questions, but Marsha jumped right in. She asked the doctor how long she might live given the treatment and Dr. Cody was very good in her pastoral yet clear statement that she would think about six months if all went well. We left with a good feeling about the doctor's care but with heavy hearts that the time was short. The doctors office was scheduling the various tests that she would have done over the next week before we would return to Dr. Cody. It was time to tell my children the prognosis and arrange for my son and grandson to come in the spring before Marsha was too sick. Then it was her sisters and brother. They wanted to come and three of them indeed quickly set up a trip for the following week. All in all the day was what was expected and yet it still comes as a shock when it is that clear, and the options don't leave any real chance of overcoming the situation no matter which is picked.

Patience Is A Virtue

I always say that God requires us to learn patience and it is a lesson that he will not let us miss. I've also thought of myself as a patient man in most situations, and it is clear this is one where patience is more than a virtue it is sanity in the midst of crazy making waiting. Lots of communication with people up north to keep them informed fills some of the time. I put a picture of Marsha with our friends Dave & Pat in my blog today because it was on this day last year that Marsha asked them to come to, in fact into, the appointment with the oncologist. They said yes even though I think they were quite surprised. It speaks volumes for the way Marsha viewed our relationship with Dave & Pat. It also tells you a great deal about the open nature of my wife. She was in many ways an open book with those she trusted, and she especially trusted Christ. As some people try to hide away their problems, weaknesses, and issues from others they often think they can do the same from their God. Marsha was not one to hide from situations. It was in her time approaching death as it was in her way of approaching life that she faced it head on.

Call The Doctors

Today a year ago was a day to try to get the appointments set up for Marsha's next step. We needed an appointment with her primary care physician and her new oncologist. It was clear that the other tests needed before she could even decide about treatment could not happen until she had met the oncologist. As we began the day, the fear was that it would be a long delay before we could get an intake appointment. We were pleasantly surprised that the appointment was only going to be a couple of days away. Dr. Adler, her primary care physician, was less important at this stage but was still important for the total plan. I have to say both offices were very cooperative and easy to deal with. At the same time we had to make an appointment to have the stitches removed from her thorocentesis, and one for a final consult with the surgeon. We also needed to have an appointment with her cardiologist, the ever cute Dr. Jimmy, as Marsha called him. I think he made Marsha's heart go pitter pat more than me. I must say it was funny how busy sick people can be. I don't think Marsha should have kept up the pace in her condition, but well people don't need to keep up this pace. It seemed that these calls took up the complete day, but I can't remember anything else from that day. I know we saw Pat & Dave and spent time together but it seemed like all of life was filled with this planning. It was good though, it wasn't as hard as I thought it would be.

No Church

One of my favorite preacher teachers is Rev. Terry Fulham. One of his very best teachings compares the life of a Christian to the life of an eagle. I one of his points he says that he saw an eagle die once. A real eagle he says goes to the edge of a cliff facing into the sun holding on with their talons they just die. He then talks about his father facing into the Son and just dying. At the beginning of that section and speaks of the fact that his father never missed church. If they were away the first thing they did was find a church they could attend on Sunday. He knew something was seriously wrong when one Sunday his father said they should go to church without him. His father said he didn't feel up to it. That's how I felt when Marsha insisted that I go off to church without her. She did not feel like she could do it. Still insisting that she would not put up with any spiritual slacker, she sent me off to church. Later I had to do the best I could at repeating the sermon for her and I did give her communion. Although nothing was happening to give me more information about her disease or prognosis, at the same time a lot was happening that showed me what was happening and what was to come. Little things like not going to church shouted out that this was serious and I better be as prepared as she was. You see she had her feet clinging to the edge of life looking directly into the face of the Son and knowing exactly were she was going.

Holding Pattern But Together

Last year Ron and Carol left for The Isles of Palms on Valentines Day and Marsha was home with me. It felt good to have her home for one of the days we celebrate our love for one another. Today at church the sermon was about marriage and the mistake of thinking romantic love is enough or even preferable for a relationship. Romantic love, as the rector said, is about getting our needs met and often requires the other to change in order to do that well or better or good enough. I know early in our marriage some of our struggles were about my not meeting Marsha's needs and Marsha missing the mark with some of mine. For many years now, however, we have had a different appreciation for the nature and reality of real love. I am so grateful that I got to share that kind of love. I would not have thought that kind of love was even possible between mere humans. I'm not saying we achieved perfection, that's the point. We loved even with our imperfections, we loved even when one of us made a mistake. We celebrated our last Valentine's Day knowing that our love was sacrificial and other centered and permanent. We could see the end of our earthly journey together, we were not thinking we had much time, but we were secure that we could get through anything together and with God's help. It was a special Valentine's Day indeed.

Morning & Afternoon

9 AM Morning in the back yard Early afternoon same place

We did have a little snow for pretty pictures but as you can see it just doesn't last. Everything in the world was

cancelled in Myrtle Beach today. It did convince my brother not to play golf with me though. I thought we

who were born up north should uphold our heritage but it didn't happen. It's all gone now. Sunny in the 40's.

Home At Last Home At Last Happy Day Home At Last

Last year on this date Marsha came home from the hospital. The morning was a flurry of activity as the last details of discharge happened. IV out. bandages changed, instructions given as wait becomes rush. Glad to rush but so much so fast. No oncologist, call when your home on Monday to make an appointment. No tests scheduled, this will happen after the oncologist appointment. Marsha will need oxygen at home, not a welcome surprise. Marsha hated the idea of needing oxygen and she never used it correctly. Still she was coming home and that was a good thing. Ron & Carol have been here with me for a couple of days this year on their way to vacation farther south. Last year they were with us on the day Marsha came home. We had a nice afternoon and evening trying to have nice catch up time with friends with the ever present reality of Marsha's diagnosis and her weakened condition in the midst of it. I think Marsha was glad for the company and to be home. It seemed to cheer her up. I know it was good for me both to have my love home and to be able to visit with friends. It was a taste of normalcy in the middle of abnormality if that makes sense. Going to bed felt good, the other side of the big king sized bed had Marsha beside me. That was how it was meant to be. Great to have her home.

Almost Not Yet

On this day last year we thought Marsha might be coming home but it was delayed. The doctors wanted to see another day of healing and we thought we were still waiting to see the oncologist and get a schedule for all the staging tests that were needed. It felt frustrating because so many things were unclear and we had company scheduled to come the next day. Plans were made for Dave & Pat to pick up the slack if Ron & Carol arrived and Marsha was still in the hospital. Marsha was still trying to wean herself off the oxygen. She did not want to come home with a need for oxygen. Again the hospital staff knew she was going to require Oxygen but it was not communicated. The nurses are so busy that your lucky to get good care let alone good communication. At Grand Strand Marsha did get good care so I guess it is too much to ask for good communication too. I couldn't wait for Marsha to come home, but it was not to be, so this day was disappointing.

Words: Be Careful

During the days of Marsha's hospitalization we listened carefully to all the things that the doctors and nurses had to say. We had been told that certain things would happen before Marsha was released from the hospital. That became a problem as we waited and waited for them to be checked off of Marsha's list only to continue waiting. It became clear later that some were to be rapidly accomplished in an hour before her discharge. The most difficult not to check off the list was the supposed schedule of tests and the in hospital meeting with the oncologist that was supposed to happen before she went home. It looked like Marsha was going home tomorrow and she had not seen the oncologist so we thought that might delay everything. We began to hound the staff for all these things we had been told would happen only to be disappointed. I've been with people going through this and I've told people to be pushy to get things done and questions answered, but sometimes I think hospital people lose sight of how important all these things are to their patients. It is such a daily routine to the medical personnel that they miss the importance to the patient and family. You can see they don't understand your frustration. While that was happening it was still upbeat this day because we thought tomorrow was escape day.

Tube out

Last year at this time the surgeon removed the first chest tube with the hope of the other one coming out tomorrow. This really lifted Marsha's spirits because she could see the day coming when she would be home. I think it was also the day when the doctor came in the room and clearly had an uncomfortable air about him. He proceeded to tell Marsha that the results of the pathologist are in. She looks at him and he says in a quiet shyish kind of way that she has fourth stage metastatic squamous cell lung cancer in multiple locations in both lungs. Marsha just looked at him so he asked her if she knew what that means. Her response clearly shocked him as she said, yes it means I'm going to die. She saw the look on his face and added that it's all right. She said to him I know where I'm going and I'm ready. He just kind of looked at her without a sign of understanding. He soon departed, I'm sure still baffled by her composure and assurance. After he left, was the instance when Marsha started to scribble out my future budget without her income. She was funny in her immediate concern for me not herself. It was so Marsha. She then suggested I needed to find a new wife with an income. I asked her when she wanted to start interviews of candidates for my future wife. That memory goes with me among the strongest of all. I remember again and again how many times her first thought was for someone else. I had a real treasure. She always said it would not be good for me to be alone. She thought she would never marry again if I died first, but she thought that I needed to have another wife. I loved her for many reasons but if you could glance at the frequency of her obvious concern for others. Thank you Lord for such an example in my life.

Another Day

I think on this day last year Marsha was moved back to a normal room and it was being suggested that it was close to at least taking out one of the two chest tubes that were continuing to drain the fluid. I felt somewhat better having her back in a regular room, and I know that Marsha felt better. We still did not have the pathology report and were hooked into the waiting game. I kept at making sure the house would be in shape if Marsha got out of the hospital. Laundry, cleaning and keeping the house in order were now on my plate along with the hospital hours. In a way it helped because it filled the time I was not at the hospital. Dave & Pat along with Roy & Marie were frequent visitors and support. It is a real blessing to have friends in time of difficulty. Marsha and I always said that at times people just need God with skin on and these believers were indeed that for us. Throughout this time I was on the phone almost every other day with my friend Paul in Massachusetts. He kept me focused and open. I truly appreciated his constant support. I was on Facebook about this time and I used it to let others know what was going on without constant telephone calls. I would tell Marsha about all the people who cared about her and like myself she was sometimes overwhelmed by the level of care and concern. You might think that waiting would be kind of neutral in my rollercoaster metaphor, but it really felt like a down. Slowly sinking perhaps but a sinking feeling anyway.

Still In ICU

The next couple of days were all the same. Marsha had extraordinary care in the surgical intensive care unit and we waited for the results of the direct tissue samples that had been sent to pathology. I wish I could say that I was good in this period of time but I was impatient. I found it hard to be there for long stretches of time because nothing was accomplished by my presence. Marsha slept when medicated and I took breaks when that happened. They kicked us out after short visits because they had medical tasks to accomplish. I was back down at the golf driving range wacking golf balls very hard. Marsha was in better spirits than I. She seemed to be hopeful as the talc was supposed to enable her to keep the fluid out of her chest that blocked her breathing. She saw this as the path home and I did too, but it was much too slow for me. I prayed constantly for her and felt God comfort me and watched God comfort her. It is strange that I never knew God more closely than during this time when in retrospect my second greatest love was slowly being lost to me. Marsha also was closest to God in this time. She radiated God's peace in many ways. I loved her even more in her response to this time of trial. Her trust in God was an inspiration to me and I believe to others who saw her in these moments. We lived out the next few days waiting for the verdict and hoping for another unexpected result. The doctors were clear what they expected, we kept praying for a different result.

Surgery

Today I remember the day of the surgery. Thorocentesis is probably a mis-spelling of the word but it is about as close as I'll come. I had no real idea what this entailed other than draining off fluid with the possibility of adhering the lung back in place as a preventative measure. At the same time they would be able to get more information about the cause. I can remember spending part of the time with Bekah as we waited. I'm normally a patient guy but I was not very patient that day. I think I tried to give a non-anxious presence but I'm not sure I succeeded. I think the biggest shock was that she was in intensive care when it was over and not just for a short stretch but for days. I thought she would just be back in her room after recovery because I really thought it was a simple procedure. Marsha thought it was a simple procedure as well. It shows how poorly we understood the procedure. Late that day I did get a chance to speak with the doctor and his words are as vivid today as they were that evening. He said, "It looked like cancer, it smelled like cancer but we could not find any cancer cells." How can you go up and down on that rollercoaster at exactly the same moment and yet that is what it felt like. We learned we would not know the final results of the biopsies for five or six days, which created another frustration. I was watching the movie "As Good As It Gets" the other day as the mother becomes shocked when the doctor tells his nurse he wants the results of the tests on that same day. She didn't believe it possible. I did get my biopsy results the same day when they found my cancer and then again when I had the cancer removed, simply because I knew the doctors. Here I was not going to get any favoritism. Comforting Marsha was the order of the evening. She was in pain and that was hard for her and for us. I went home less than settled that night.

Family Support

During much of this time when Marsha was hospitalized I had support of my family. It is a bit cloudy who was here when. I know at this early stage Merrie and Bekah were part of my constant cast of characters. Merrie is the emotional soft heart that is an open book of compassion, while Bekah was always full of questions and seeking both from her contact with doctors and nurses and through searching the internet working to have all the facts. I'm not saying that Merrie wasn't trying to understand just not like Bekah or that Bekah wasn't compassionate, just not like Merrie. It was good for Marsha to have them around and good for me as well. Laura came for her spring break but I'm sure that was a little later in the course of events so her input was through the telephone. I was on the phone with family and friends in Massachusetts as well, and the deep concern was also helpful. I found this day to be another waiting game with the surgery scheduled for tomorrow. I was starting to feel tired about this time. I was sleeping but perhaps not as soundly as usual. It felt like my body was breaking down a little. It is a truth that hospitals are exhausting for everyone not just the patient. Difficult because my mind wants answers. Maybe tomorrow my mind kept saying.

Next

A year ago as Marsha's breathing was getting worse and we still had no diagnosis, the doctors said the next option was an operation called a thorocentesis. This operation would drain the fluid from her lung area again and it was explained that they would place a talc in the area between the lung and chest wall. This talc would cause an irritation that was intended to bond the lung to the chest wall so it could not refill with fluid again. It was made to sound simple and routine not much different than the bronchoscopy but with the ability also to directly investigate the area where the fluid was collecting. At the time we did not have a schedule but it was expected within the next two days. Neither Marsha or I had any idea the severity of this operation. It seemed like a no brainer. Marsha was calm and as we talked she did not have any apparent misgivings or fears about the plan. Once again she was surprisingly strong and peaceful. Everything was discussed in the language of faith starting from Marsha not imposed by me. Although she was taking limited pain relievers at this point she was not taking anything to keep her calm. She was amazing in the emotional and spiritual strength she was showing. Impressive in every way to all who came to visit or care for her. I was happy that something offered hope of a solution, because at that time I wanted Marsha home and able to breathe. I did not see how that would be able to happen without some breakthrough. I don't like the idea of surgery although I've had a couple, one major one. Pain and healing are never easy but as I said this procedure was made to seem minor. I went home that night anxious but hopeful, a minor up on the fast moving rollercoaster.

Wishing It Was Still Boring

About four days after the bronchoscopy what had seemed to be progress started to regress. Marsha again had trouble sleeping and the cough was less under control. It was not the moment when the next decision was needed and even the suggestion of the next steps were not made, but it was clear that the situation was making a turn for the worse. Marsha must have noticed but you would never know from her attitude. It was the same calm assured Marsha no matter what the circumstances. I was so impressed. Marsha was not usually a good sick person. She was horrible with pain and impatient with illness, mine hers or anyone else. If the kids were sick it was my duty especially if there was blood or other visible products involved. I felt less comfortable with the changes than it seemed Marsha was. I can remember the golf balls took more punishment that day. I went home and struggled for peace that night. It is so hard to watch someone you love go through difficulties and harder when the cloud of cancer is hanging there. I never doubted God's presence and help and I know Marsha didn't either. I know that made everything easier, but not easy.

Willing & Unable

One of the most important lessons we ever learned, Marsha and I, is that we are unable to do the very things God expects of us. Just try the love one another part for example. It was a shock to find that he didn't mean I was just supposed to love Marsha, although I must say even that had it's challenging moments. The love one another was all those folks that seemed to show up in my life. The expectation was that my actions would work for the good of everyone, not my chosen ones. I got it real fast that this was not achievable by this guy. It was amazing that moving along the same path at roughly the same pace we were discovering life lessons that were changing everything. We discovered that when we admit we're unable but we continue to be willing, and we depend on God, the impossible becomes possible. Bill Wilson in developing the AA method was correct, it starts for admitting that we are powerless without a higher power. I think you can get half way there without realizing you can't do it yourself, but that is the most damaging of all, because it makes you feel like you've arrived when the journey has hardly begun. It also freezes you in that place where your ultimate peace and serenity are not found. A place where your true blessings, your best life is still beyond the horizon. Marsha and I were so fortunate to grow together with the consistent support of each other. I don't know what God has ahead but looking back I expect many more amazing twists and turns as long as I'm willing and continue to know I'm unable.

Exciting Things

I'm not going to go into the same things again and again, and that was the reality of the next few days. Living with my wife was exciting because you were never sure what she was going to do next. It was fun. The strange part is when it came to life Marsha lacked spontaneity, everything had to be organized and on a list to be checked off as completed, and the list needed to be completed on the day it was formed. My lifestyle was anathema to her as I am a go with the flow kind of person that starts in one direction and just moves with the situations in front of me. I might have a mental list but it is not firm nor does it have a need to be completed. On the other hand Marsha would come up with great fun choices on the spur of the moment and get me into it in response. Marsha was a consummate professional as an educator, but as an example on one Valentines Day during first period class my door opened and in walked a student with a valentine for me form Marsha. I thought it was nice but no response needed. Next period the door opened and in walked a student with a valentine, as they left in came another, and so forth until each of her students had placed a valentine on my desk. Third period the door opened and in walked a group of students carrying a huge valentine. Fourth period was my free period and time for a response so I wrote a provocative love letter to her which said things that were not bad to read in class but I knew would embarrass her to read it. I walked in and dropped it on her desk and the students having heard about the earlier day started chanting for her to read it and she did until she got a little way in and turned red from head to toe. Fifth period as I was teaching the door opened and in came some students pushing a flat rolling cart with a big box on it all decorated with valentine symbols. As it got the front of the room up out of the box jumped Marsha with a carnation in her teeth. I should have known better than to try and get even. The kids started chanting kiss her kiss her kiss her so I turned red and did. As Marsha was being rolled back toward her room the box tipped off the cart and she skidded across the floor. It was not constant but those moments were exciting. I kept her looser and more spontaneous in one way and she made my serious nature relax and let my no hair down at others. She indeed brought exciting things.

Bored But Better

As I think about the next few days of Marsha's illness, all I can see is the boredom of hospitalization. She was not getting much better but she was not getting worse. Her spirits were good and she thought home was on the horizon and that kept her focused. At this point we had no more tests scheduled and things seemed to be at a standstill. I was moving back and forth between home and the hospital. We had visits from Dave & Pat, Roy & Marie, Sue Brunson, Dick Rife, Jim & Linda Burney, Rev. Jeff Wallace & Rev. Jim Lewis as well as telephone calls. The care from doctors and nurses was great for the most part. One nurse Marsha was convinced was a temp and she had trouble with her, but really she did very well. I still tried to find a little time away for sanity. I'm an active guy and sitting in a hospital when I'm not the sick one drives me crazy. I worked hard to make sure Marsha did not see that. We were hopeful that she would be out and home. It looked like things were getting better slowly and nothing found in the tests would warrant her staying. I looked so forward to her being home at the same time that we had no answers and we wanted answers. All this time I was on the phone with people up north both family and others. I tried to let as many of her closest friends know every step and contacted our prayer warriors for healing prayer. Marsha agreed with me and would frequently say that God answers all healing prayer because death is the ultimate healing for a Christian. This was basically the same for three days or so. As I remember the feelings I would summarize it all with the simple statement that the weight of not knowing is enormous. I just felt like I was carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders, and yet when I prayed my inner peace would return again and again.