Hold On & Let Go

In my status today on facebook I said that I feel things are right as grace helps me hold on and let go at the same time. I want to hold onto the memories. Even my memories formed in the tough years are great. I have enjoyed my life, and Marsha and I did so much. We travelled, we camped, we went to theatre, we went to zoos, we had some great vacations both with and without our children. I have to say that our mature years with our grandchildren were really special. We had relaxed with each other by then and could just enjoy our grandchildren. We just loved each one and they are all different and all special. Why would I ever not hold on to such a wonderful set of experiences. I go through my photo album almost every day as I think about this blog and I love to see all the memories I have recorded. Although I was never very good at remembering a camera or taking pictures, so I don't have enough. This is what I mean by holding on. Letting go for me has to do with not dragging that past into any needs of my present or my future. I live today based on today. I have lots of choices about what to do with my days and most of them are real good. Some are relaxing and recreational, while others are serving and purposeful. The only memories I let into the present are those that motivate. Marsha taught me to be competent at so many things but some of them I might forget except for the voice in my head. Not a nagging voice but a reminding voice that keeps me on track. I do believe it is the grace of God that has helped me hold on and let go at the same time. God is good all the time; all the time God is good!!!

Talents

This past summer I went to a concert outdoors in Maine with my son and his future wife Jessica. Young Dana loves to juggle especially to music. He makes balls move to the rhythm of the music. It is quite a talent. You can watch people start looking at my son while he juggles. In the picture you can see two young children that came over close every time he got up with his equipment.

We all have talents of one kind or another. Today in church the bishop spoke about using our talents and specifically the spiritual ones that God gives us so we can do more than we could ask for or imagine. The worst thing is to waste our talents. I believe God has a purpose for our lives and wants to use our natural and spiritual gifts and talents to benefit the world and His purpose for this world. Too often we use our talents only for our own benefit, and our purpose. Go out and serve, go out and help, go out and create a better world. It's time to stop blaming everyone else for what's wrong. It's time to accomplish what's right.

Good and Evil

In the picture I was receiving a copy of the book about ground zero from my fire chief when I was chaplain in Whitman. I became a fire chaplain when I was rector at All Saints in Whitman and had the honor of going to ground zero the first week of October in 2001 to work with the FDNY. I stood with family members of missing fire fighters in the middle of the rubble at ground zero trying to help them find closure and a chance to say goodbye. I remember thinking that you could not be there without recognizing that evil exists in the world. At the same time I was living in a free hotel in midtown Manhattan and I was surrounded by emergency response personnel from all over the United States, even Alaska. It was clear by the spirit of giving exhibited by the response teams that you also could not miss the existence of good in the world. We live in that dual arena all the time, but moments like 9/11 and the murderous events at Ft. Hood last week make us ever more aware. For centuries many thought that humanity can perfect itself, that it only a matter of time before human society shows that humanity is truly good. Secular humanism is that religion which believes we do not need a God to become a perfected society, but during those same generations we had the Holocaust, 9/11 and other evidence that evil is present as well. Part of life is to figure out how we explain and deal with the realities we see, and the experiences we live. You see the battle between good and evil is both global and personal is it not?

Feeling Old

The picture is of Marsha from our joint surprise birthday party for our 60th birthdays. I've always said that I don't long to be any age again. Life for me has always seemed to progress and get better. Each age seems to have it's own unique gifts to a lifetime and if we look for them they make life exciting and new. I still believe that but today I feel old, whatever that means. I think after my days of not chewing in preparation for my colonoscopy I went to the gym, driving range and golf course yesterday and hurt something or somethings. I felt bad as I finished golf yesterday and I still hurt in a few places this morning. I'm not sick but I must be something, I just cancelled my golf game for today. I spend time at church with people who talk about how the body starts to cause them problems and I did not have a frame of reference. Today I feel their pain. I know tomorrow will be another day and I will be back to my activities, but today I feel old. I think I'll sit here and watch some TV and take a nap, I'll need the energy for tomorrow. I think young comes back then.

Widower

Yesterday was my routine check up following my colon cancer surgery four years ago. I had to do that paper work that doctors gather when you are their patient for the first time. It was the first time that I had to check off the box widower. Widower, what is that anyway? It was a funny experience to actually acknowledge that on paper. Early on after Marsha passed away I changed my profile on Facebook to single. It seemed to be a step that made me face my new reality. One of my precious granddaughters was upset by my change, but I thought it was a part of my facing my grief. So why was that check mark so odd feeling? I would have thought I had made that assertion already. It is surprising what catches your thoughts and emotions as you go through a loss like mine. I know who I am in the eternal picture. I am the child of God on whom God's favor rests. My eternal identity is crystal clear, but my human identity was so wrapped up in Marsha and hers in mine that that check mark represented a clear moment for acknowledging that my identity has changed in some way. Widower, hum, what is that anyway? Who am I now in this Marshaless identity? She is still the voice in my head, the presence in my home, and the love of my dreams, so what does all this mean anyway? My activities will be the same today as they have been, my life has not changed from a week ago, and yet that word somehow has changed something. I always thought that the word widow sounded so sad, well how about widower? Do people think of me as sad? Am I sad? What is this widower thing anyway?

Experiences

Our lives are filled with experiences of all kinds. In the picture three of my grandchildren are together, the fourth is out of the picture but present, at The Melting Pot in Myrtle Beach. I can remember Forrest saying this is the best meal I have ever eaten. I have had a lot of those kinds of experiences in my life. You know the ones where you suddenly realize that this is a first and you will never forget it. Some experiences like that motivate us to create a future that will allow us to have more experiences like the amazing one that just happened and some others motivate us to avoid that one again at all cost. Experiences are teachers when we are able to learn from them. In fact we don't have anything we haven't learned by experience, and we don't have anything we're good at without repeated experiences. Some repeated experiences however teach us wrong lessons, like not to trust or not to love, or not to try, or to work to much. One of the great God given gifts of being human is the ability to step back from our life in the midst of our life to assess our own life. We can choose to continue in the direction we've been going or even ignoring our experiences we can choose something new and different. I've seen so many people trapped by their past, so many people locked into patterns that will only perpetuate a flawed path. A well lived life is an examined life, and in my experience is best examined in the light of Christ.

Health and Wholeness

My son Dana said he was proud of me for doing with him the things I did this summer. He was happy that at my age I would hike and climb and experience things that he thought most men my age would refuse to do. When I retired in the summer of 08 those same activities would have killed me. I was overweight and out of shape although I do have to admit that round is a shape, and I was definitely round. I went from an inactive profession to active hobbies and exercise programs. I walked and I lifted and I golfed and I set one rule for eating. I live by the one plate rule. I don't avoid any food but I eat only one plate and I try to keep that a reasonable size. All this to take care of this physical body that God has given me. I do think that is only half the battle, if battle is the right word. I think wholeness includes are emotional and spiritual health as well. Doctors and checkups and healthy lifestyles can take care of my body, but peace and joy and other rewards of emotional and spiritual health are of equal importance. Our bodies reflect our physical condition but also our emotional and spiritual condition. Our blood pressure and sleep habits for example. I am having a scheduled test Tuesday to check on my continuing physical health, but I'm not confused trying to preserve some false identity. acting as if I can secure my own future by over emphasis on a health body. Wholeness always includes knowing that we are incomplete without spiritual health as well. I am a child of God, I love God and God loves me. I try to spend my life in unity with God's purpose for me. In this rests whatever wholeness I have.