Widower

Yesterday was my routine check up following my colon cancer surgery four years ago. I had to do that paper work that doctors gather when you are their patient for the first time. It was the first time that I had to check off the box widower. Widower, what is that anyway? It was a funny experience to actually acknowledge that on paper. Early on after Marsha passed away I changed my profile on Facebook to single. It seemed to be a step that made me face my new reality. One of my precious granddaughters was upset by my change, but I thought it was a part of my facing my grief. So why was that check mark so odd feeling? I would have thought I had made that assertion already. It is surprising what catches your thoughts and emotions as you go through a loss like mine. I know who I am in the eternal picture. I am the child of God on whom God's favor rests. My eternal identity is crystal clear, but my human identity was so wrapped up in Marsha and hers in mine that that check mark represented a clear moment for acknowledging that my identity has changed in some way. Widower, hum, what is that anyway? Who am I now in this Marshaless identity? She is still the voice in my head, the presence in my home, and the love of my dreams, so what does all this mean anyway? My activities will be the same today as they have been, my life has not changed from a week ago, and yet that word somehow has changed something. I always thought that the word widow sounded so sad, well how about widower? Do people think of me as sad? Am I sad? What is this widower thing anyway?