Practice Makes Perfect

Does anyone really believe that practice makes perfect? I have done a lot of things in my life over and over again and with some of them I have even improved. I would have to say however that perfection escapes me. I picked the picture of a golf outing because nothing disproves that often turned phrase about practice than golf. Every step forward is always met with at least one step back and sometimes more. I have spent some recent days hitting extra golf balls on a driving range trying to practice and improve my golf swing and it made me think about practice. I must admit I have had some success but not perfection. When I was young I practiced basketball enough that I did have consistent success with that. Why is it that we try so hard to better ourselves at trivial things but lack motivation to practice significant things? Why not practice forgiveness? Maybe we wouldn't need so many tranquilizers or blood pressure medications. Why not practice gratitude? Maybe we could cut in half the number of people on anti-depressants. Why not practice patience? Imagine the world if we all were truly patient with one another. How about unconditional love, or not judging one another, or compliments. Imagine a world where we really tried to get better at some important things that would change the world. I wish that practice would make my golf game perfect, but I really wish that I was practicing the important things as much as I practice my golf. How about you?

The Patriarch

My family is so photogenic. Aren't they simply the cutest? I have more than one picture that is as cute as this. After Thanksgiving at Merrie's home and a lot of the summer in young Dana's home it is clear that a family that I would have called a matriarchal family is now by default a patriarchal family. One thing for sure is I didn't earn it. I don't know what it means to be a patriarch but I guess I'm it. My wisdom has not increased, nor anything else I can figure out. I know I don't want to be in charge, and I certainly don't want to even give that much advice. My children and grandchildren are very capable people living lives in some different arenas than mine. Even the teachers are in disciplines foreign to me. I guess I like the fact that people treat me special, but I'd be happy just to be a proud father and grandfather. I'm afraid that with looks like the ones in the picture I might be in trouble. Who could lead a tribe like that?

Too Much Excitement

This is what I think of the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. It must have been just too much excitement for these old bones. It's a good thing the joy doesn't come from the activities because we all love different things don't we? I can appreciate the love of theatre that exists in this branch of my family, and I even enjoy theatre, but they approach it like I approach football or golf, maybe even just a little lower than I approach God. No the joy doesn't come from the activities it comes from the community. It comes from sharing life with people and even more joy is possible when they are people you really love. I had that experience in Maine this summer and am enjoying that experience here in Georgia over these few days.

When I wrote about the Thanksgiving traditions I left one out. It was going around the table and sharing something we our thankful for this year. It was moving in many ways because the sharing included that step into the future of being thankful for new additions to the circle, but mine was about a subtraction from the circle. I said that although I miss Marsha daily I am thankful because it has helped me to focus on all the wonderful things we had done together. I remember her and almost see her better today than when she was beside me every day. I don't think I'm idealizing her, because I can just as easily remember the ways we were oil and water to each other, and her stubbornness (not mine of course), and even some of that makes me smile in hind sight. I'm also grateful that my four grandchildren got to really know Marsha, and love her as I do. I am thankful that I am one lucky Bumpa to have my adult children and my adult and almost adult grandchildren. The picture with me and the girls expresses as well as anything how lucky I am. God is good all the time, and some times we even see it.

Enjoyment

Laura is home for the weekend and she has a long distance relationship with a young man who is teaching and working as a theatre tech at Auburn University. Today was the first chance I had to meet Chris and four of us went out geocaching. This high tech scavenger hunt is played with a GPS device and some computer directions. We spent time seeing the area and searching for these hidden locations. It was good to be together and I do enjoy the hunt. It gave a chance to get to know Chris a little and I think that is important to Laura. I enjoyed that time. Geocaching is not something I would do on my own, but it is creative and enjoyable. People come up with all kinds of ways to prepare and present their scavenger hunt items.

It amazes me the variety of things that interest people and fill their time. I certainly enjoy golf and the beach, but they would not be enough if I did not have the church and my relationship with the Lord. I know people look at what I do and think that it might be enjoyable but they could not get into it the way I do. I think especially when I go out in the water and just float for a very long time, people don't understand the attraction to this particular inactive activity. To most it looks boring but those same people would probably find silent meditation at home boring. For me it is the place where I cement the peace in my soul that is my anchor in life. We are all so different.

I'm happy to be here with Merrie and Rich and Bekah and Jen and Laura and Chris. It does seem that a place is empty but the spirit in the gathering is joyful and I am so glad to be here. It is only a few days, but Thanksgiving has always been a family time and this is the part of my family that I will enjoy the experience of giving thanks with this year. Some things new, some things familiar, some things gone, but enjoyment is still to be found in my life with those God has provided for me to give and receive love. Family, friends, pilgrims on the journey and those who are yet to be included fill life with blessings. We don't have to hunt for that we just need to be open to share ourselves.

Thanksgiving

I looked in my photo album for a turkey for Thanksgiving but the closest thing I had was a picture of Becky & Amanda who I called big turkey & little turkey. They have nothing to do with Thanksgiving other than I give thanks that I have known them. It is the time of the year that we are supposed to think about all those things we are thankful for. This year has been a very different year for me. It was a year of loss and of sadness and it would be easy to focus on those things. I choose to look at what I can be and am thankful for today. I am thankful because, although I think I always had a good relationship with my children and grandchildren, I actually think it is better now. We have placed a greater value on our family relationships now that Marsha is not with us. I think we took things for granted before and have learned that is not good. I am thankful that I have a beautiful home which Marsha put together and which is a constant and wonderful reminder of her talents and her love for me. I am thankful for God continuing to have a purpose for my life in serving him. I am thankful for friends all over the place but especially the support of Pat & Dave who keep me on track. I'm thankful for my church and the way they have lived the saying "church family" with me. I could name still others given time. So in this different and challenging year it is still time to recognize the goodness all around me and the blessings that fill my life. Happy Thanksgiving Everyone, especially to you big turkey and little turkey, it still makes me smile!!!

Good Cry Today

Today was one of those days. I recorded the movie Ghost with my DVR and watched it this morning. It was really the first time that I have had prolonged tears. As Dimmy Moore was missing her dead husband in the movie I was feeling my own loss. It amazes me how it comes and goes and it can be so quick. One minute I am having no recognized thought about Marsha and life just seems to be moving on and the next I'm deeply sad or deeply lonely. I can see her in so many things and sometimes feel her presence. Often these occur without the intense emotions, but sometimes without rational explanation I feel overcome by emotion. I know this is part of the healing process, but that sounds so impersonal. Marsha is not a process, but I guess my grief is. Maybe it is the holiday season that is beginning to dawn on me, or maybe it's just time for this to happen in my grieving. I do know that it is not all bad, because in those moments when I miss her the most and am the most emotional, in a strange way I feel the closest to her. I'm not saying I want to hold on to this sadness, but the reality is this journey has strange twists and turns. I don't know what is around the next corner but today was an emotional turn for a time. We'll see what's next.

The Blind Side

I went to the movies today and saw "The Blind Side". It is the second Sandra Bullock movie of the year that I thought was fantastic. "The Proposal" was the funniest movie from beginning to end that I have ever seen, but this movie was solid for a good true story with a meaningful message. I know that it is impossible to come up with simple solutions to complex problems, but this movie certainly points out the bottom line in some of those complex problems. I always like movies that are true stories even though they might have been dramatized a little. Michael Orr had a terrible life and would have been given no chance at success when he ends up in a good school and then becomes included in a good wealthy home. Not only did he show he was not dumb, but he showed his principles. The characters in the family and the teachers are interesting as well. This movie is a feel good movie that gives you so much to think about. I'm glad I like Sandra Bullock because I might have missed two great entertainment opportunities if I didn't like to see her movies. She may not be the best actress ot the most beautiful either, but her movies are usually worth the price of admission.

God is so Good

Today is Christ the King Sunday. The last Sunday in Pentecost is always Christ the Kong Sunday. Next week is the church new year. I was asked to preach today at all three services. Almost everyone who knows me as having been their priest knows that I start Sunday at the church very early praying for everyone who will come. Praying over classrooms and pews and parish halls. I also kneel in prayer in the sanctuary asking God to give me His final word for my sermon. This morning as I prayed, God showed me the two banners on the wall behind the altar, and a way to use them as a conclusion to the message he had already given me. The left hand banner is the crown of the king while the right hand banner is the symbols for the Alpha and Omega, Christ the beginning and the end. I was so surprised and awe struck by the inspiration that I was just praising God and teary eyed as I got up and walked around the worship space. I never cease to be amazed by the grace of God. You would think after all this time that nothing could surprise me, but I really find God amazing again and again. He somehow manages to get my attention and show me amazing things as I try to follow Him. If He doesn't do it for anyone else, I know He impresses me. Thank you God for your faithfulness, and the power of your spirit. God is good all the time, all the time God is good.

The Frog Prince

You've heard the saying that a woman has to kiss a lot of frogs before she finds her prince charming. That old fairy tale about the princess who kisses a from and it turns into her prince charming is obviously following the same train of thought. Well I don't know how many frogs Marsha kissed before me, but I was definitely a frog when Marsha first kissed me, and in her eyes I eventually became her prince charming. I know the first time we dated she absolutely thought I was a frog, in fact she didn't even want to ever see me again. I was in many ways a real loser. I'm not here to say that Marsha's kisses were magical in any serious way, but somehow in the light of her love magically I began to be transformed. I'm watching the movie "Shallow Hal" that I recorded on my DVR. I can identify. I looked at people in very shallow ways. When I was rector in Whitman we spent a lot of time working on our relationship as empty nest second half of marriage people. For one date I took her to the place in Bridgewater where I first realized that I loved her, and told her about how I realized I absolutely loved her. It was simply a parking place on the street by the dining hall building. We sat in the car and talked about anything and everything. She was bright and intelligent and funny and interesting. She was a real woman with a strong identity and a woman with courage and convictions. She had a depth that won my heart. I still wasn't a prince charming not even her prince charming but metamorphosis had begun, I was in her spell and the rest was history.

Remembrance

The picture today as bad as it is was taken as I fed Marsha cake after our wedding ceremony. The other day I was traveling up and then a couple of days later down route 95 through New York. I turned off at Mamarooneck NY. Marsha and I had headed for New York City for a one night honeymoon but did not make it. We took the exit into Mamarooneck and found a motel just after the Washington Arms restaurant. Our meal in that facility that night was my introduction to formal dining. Marsha began to teach me what I should do even there at the beginning. Remembrance is a funny thing. Outside our room was some sort of machine that made horrible noises all night and the room felt about 100 degrees, but it was a special trip anyway. It seemed like the beginning of an us against the world adventure and I thought even then that I had a new and powerful partner for the adventure. We had nothing and yet we had the world. We did not know how we were going to get from point A to Z, but we were brazen in our confidence and our fantasies.

In an earlier blog I mentioned seeing the movie UP with young Jake Tricket. This weekend I was in conversation with my friend Don Blackwell after he had watched the movie with his granddaughter. We talked about the album where the female character was going to paste all the memories from their far off adventure, the adventure that never happened. At the end of the movie the male character opened the scrapbook to find it full of everyday memories and at the end a note thanking him for the great adventure. Passing our honeymoon spot reminded me of all those early dreams and struggles as fantasies were molded into reality. Life day by day still formed the path to a great adventure, just not the one we planned. In fact it was so much better than our dreams, I'm glad we stayed awake and didn't miss it.

To Be A Lover

Most of you know that when Marsha and I met, dated, and married I was an atheist. I'm not sure all atheists are as self-centered as I was, but I do think they get very wrapped up in their own thoughts and think of any other thinking as foolish or stupid. Well that was me until Marsha gradually but relentlessly loved me even ahead of herself, and she both showed me how to live and expected me to live a similar kind of life.

I just finished a funeral for a long time friend who was also the brother of my my brother's wife Marcia. Teddy was a character of the first order. He definitely marched to his own drummer and some of his choices put his own health at risk. Many looking from the outside at his life would not see someone who could make God happy. Teddy, however, was a lover, and God loves a lover. God's example like Marsha's was to give of himself completely to others, but unlike Marsha that meant giving himself much more completely. Putting others before yourself is a standard that can be found in scripture all over the place. Teddy always listened and cared about what was happening in other peoples lives. He went out of his way to care for others. One example was his disabled friend Pete who Teddy took out of the house and brought places even when he had nothing to offer Teddy. That's God's type of love.

I've said often that one aspect of God's transformation is to turn us around from selfishness to loving. I always wanted to be a lover but for many years I had the wrong definition. My definition was self serving. I was so lucky to learn to be a true lover. I thank God that he never let me go my self-centered way. I can't imagine going back to the lifestyle that says all decisions should be made for our informed self interest. Happiness is not found there. As for me I like to be a lover.

For the Birds

I have a condo that is half of a duplex with a nice big yard, but we're not allowed to put things out in the yard that could interfere with the landscape people who mow and take care of the outside. I recently found these suction hangers that hold bird feeders and so I have a couple of bird feeders attached the my windows of my family room. Some birds have started to come to the feeder but they have not been found by that many birds yet. In my travels to Massachusetts this week I again visited with my friends Don & Tammy Blackwell. I had spent time there last summer when I took the attached picture on Don's deck. I sat in the early morning this week and watched the birds come and go from the feeders. It amazed me how they come as families. First several titmice come flittering in and out then almost as if it were according to some unknown signal they would stop coming and it would be time for the cardinal family, then maybe the sparrow family or tribe and then maybe the bluejays and separately a flicker or a dove. It was orchestrated segregation of the bird feeder. It seemed to me strange that the different kinds of birds didn't seem to be able to share the same feeder at the same time. What is it about nature that creates such separation. It seems as though fear or something just inserts itself into the middle of so many opportunities for humans the same way. We cling in our own little worlds holding onto our own little notions about life and about others who might be included or excluded from it. Maybe it is more natural than we think, but with our human intelligence we ought to be able to overcome what apparently functions in other parts of the natural order. Don says the bluejays are the bullies in the crowd. I've met a few of those in human groups as well. We let the strong manipulate others sometimes and we all lose in the bargain. All I can say is as far as I'm concerned this separation is for the birds.

The Ultimate Chearleader

Marsha used to say that the only skill she had was to clap for everyone else. Yeh Dana and Yeh Merrie and Yeh Little D. Each of us had our chances to receive the gift of Marsha's pride. She loved us and supported us with every once of her being. Most of the time I don't think she realized how talented she was because she was so focused on everyone else. At church today the scripture brought to mind the contrast between living with the spotlight on yourself and seeking to get more than you give, as compared with a life that shines the spotlight on others while giving to others even before yourself. It is the nature of God who created everything for us and doesn't need a thing from us in return. I mean if my kids can't think of what to get me for Christmas what do we think we have that God would need. God instead wants to give and give and give, and he wants us to live his kind of giving, serving life as well. That was my Marsha always wanting the best for everyone else, while making personal sacrifices in her own life. Every time I hear new news about one of our family members or friends I can here Marsha clapping again. Forrest gets his license Yeh, Laura's play goes well Yeh, Merrie's kids make it to states Yeh. Again and again she is just our private cheerleader, well Yeh Marsha God's good and faithful servant.

The American Dream

Marsha and I grew up in families that often times had to rob Peter to pay Paul as the saying goes. We didn't starve and always had a roof over our heads but it was well known in our families that money was tough and especially in the winter. Our generation was given a leg up by our parents generation. My brother Terry and I got to go to college and Marsha's mother who always wanted to go to school made sure her children got educated if they could or would. I appreciate what others have done for me. I know I'm not living the life I live because by some special quality of mine as if I deserve it while others don't. I was lucky to be born into opportunities that not everyone had or even have today. I didn't somehow earn this possibility in fact I even made valiant attempts to throw it away at times. I can see in my own life the sacrifice that gave me personally the opportunities that I've had and brought to me the blessed life I now live. Our families sacrifices were real and important for us as individuals. Life would not be the same in my world if they had not occurred.

With that in mind, today is Veteran's Day. We can only guess or imagine what the world would be like today without our veterans. We speak of the freedom we enjoy in this country and I know many of the veterans died or suffered so I can enjoy them, but what would the world be like without American veterans. Democratic life really sprung forth as a possibility as a result of our revolutionary war veterans. Democracy swept other parts of the world as well as our own. The Holocaust would not have ended without the bravery of American soldiers in World War II. Where would Hitler have been stopped and what would that mean for the world. Even peace time veterans and those of other conflicts, those approved and those disapproved, showed that this country will stand and fight for democracy. As a young man I tried to enlist while I was on probation with legal issues and they wouldn't take me, so I'm not one of those veterans, but today I honor those of you who are. You too have given me a leg up toward a dream I don't deserve and I life I never earned.

We still may have too many who can't get to where I am, and we need to recognize that none of us deserves what we have. Working so all can share in the blessings of this country is what all those veterans served and died for. May the dream for all Americans continue today and always. Our veteran's sacrifices deserves that much from us all.

Hometown

I loved growing up in my hometown. I know people are often proud of where they grew up but I really loved Wareham. As a kid I had so much freedom both at the salt water near our house and the fresh water and woods up beyond route 6 all the way to Plymouth. I loved my friendships and my education, although I never did my best, and the love of sports in town. I moved to my wife's home town shortly after our marriage and we raised our children there. It was their home town and because we both taught there it became a second home town to me. I loved how quickly I could be in Boston or Providence or the Cape or the mountains and it seemed to be a small island in the middle of everything. Marsha's family was there and we spent so much time together that it made it feel even more like my hometown. I've moved since then and each town or city has had it's own attractions and personality and then finally I came here to Myrtle Beach. I'm not disloyal because each place has felt like home, I still have deep love in my heart for my first hometown and the people who shared it with me. I think this will be my final hometown. I don't know if I will live here long enough to have the depth of feelings I have for some of the other places where I have found home, but it is the final resting place of Marsha's remains and will be for mine as well. If I have discovered anything about my home town it is that we can find joy in almost any environment if we open our eyes, our hearts, our minds, and our will. May you seek and find joy the in place you call home, even if it is not as good as my home town, Wareham.

Hold On & Let Go

In my status today on facebook I said that I feel things are right as grace helps me hold on and let go at the same time. I want to hold onto the memories. Even my memories formed in the tough years are great. I have enjoyed my life, and Marsha and I did so much. We travelled, we camped, we went to theatre, we went to zoos, we had some great vacations both with and without our children. I have to say that our mature years with our grandchildren were really special. We had relaxed with each other by then and could just enjoy our grandchildren. We just loved each one and they are all different and all special. Why would I ever not hold on to such a wonderful set of experiences. I go through my photo album almost every day as I think about this blog and I love to see all the memories I have recorded. Although I was never very good at remembering a camera or taking pictures, so I don't have enough. This is what I mean by holding on. Letting go for me has to do with not dragging that past into any needs of my present or my future. I live today based on today. I have lots of choices about what to do with my days and most of them are real good. Some are relaxing and recreational, while others are serving and purposeful. The only memories I let into the present are those that motivate. Marsha taught me to be competent at so many things but some of them I might forget except for the voice in my head. Not a nagging voice but a reminding voice that keeps me on track. I do believe it is the grace of God that has helped me hold on and let go at the same time. God is good all the time; all the time God is good!!!

Talents

This past summer I went to a concert outdoors in Maine with my son and his future wife Jessica. Young Dana loves to juggle especially to music. He makes balls move to the rhythm of the music. It is quite a talent. You can watch people start looking at my son while he juggles. In the picture you can see two young children that came over close every time he got up with his equipment.

We all have talents of one kind or another. Today in church the bishop spoke about using our talents and specifically the spiritual ones that God gives us so we can do more than we could ask for or imagine. The worst thing is to waste our talents. I believe God has a purpose for our lives and wants to use our natural and spiritual gifts and talents to benefit the world and His purpose for this world. Too often we use our talents only for our own benefit, and our purpose. Go out and serve, go out and help, go out and create a better world. It's time to stop blaming everyone else for what's wrong. It's time to accomplish what's right.

Good and Evil

In the picture I was receiving a copy of the book about ground zero from my fire chief when I was chaplain in Whitman. I became a fire chaplain when I was rector at All Saints in Whitman and had the honor of going to ground zero the first week of October in 2001 to work with the FDNY. I stood with family members of missing fire fighters in the middle of the rubble at ground zero trying to help them find closure and a chance to say goodbye. I remember thinking that you could not be there without recognizing that evil exists in the world. At the same time I was living in a free hotel in midtown Manhattan and I was surrounded by emergency response personnel from all over the United States, even Alaska. It was clear by the spirit of giving exhibited by the response teams that you also could not miss the existence of good in the world. We live in that dual arena all the time, but moments like 9/11 and the murderous events at Ft. Hood last week make us ever more aware. For centuries many thought that humanity can perfect itself, that it only a matter of time before human society shows that humanity is truly good. Secular humanism is that religion which believes we do not need a God to become a perfected society, but during those same generations we had the Holocaust, 9/11 and other evidence that evil is present as well. Part of life is to figure out how we explain and deal with the realities we see, and the experiences we live. You see the battle between good and evil is both global and personal is it not?

Feeling Old

The picture is of Marsha from our joint surprise birthday party for our 60th birthdays. I've always said that I don't long to be any age again. Life for me has always seemed to progress and get better. Each age seems to have it's own unique gifts to a lifetime and if we look for them they make life exciting and new. I still believe that but today I feel old, whatever that means. I think after my days of not chewing in preparation for my colonoscopy I went to the gym, driving range and golf course yesterday and hurt something or somethings. I felt bad as I finished golf yesterday and I still hurt in a few places this morning. I'm not sick but I must be something, I just cancelled my golf game for today. I spend time at church with people who talk about how the body starts to cause them problems and I did not have a frame of reference. Today I feel their pain. I know tomorrow will be another day and I will be back to my activities, but today I feel old. I think I'll sit here and watch some TV and take a nap, I'll need the energy for tomorrow. I think young comes back then.

Widower

Yesterday was my routine check up following my colon cancer surgery four years ago. I had to do that paper work that doctors gather when you are their patient for the first time. It was the first time that I had to check off the box widower. Widower, what is that anyway? It was a funny experience to actually acknowledge that on paper. Early on after Marsha passed away I changed my profile on Facebook to single. It seemed to be a step that made me face my new reality. One of my precious granddaughters was upset by my change, but I thought it was a part of my facing my grief. So why was that check mark so odd feeling? I would have thought I had made that assertion already. It is surprising what catches your thoughts and emotions as you go through a loss like mine. I know who I am in the eternal picture. I am the child of God on whom God's favor rests. My eternal identity is crystal clear, but my human identity was so wrapped up in Marsha and hers in mine that that check mark represented a clear moment for acknowledging that my identity has changed in some way. Widower, hum, what is that anyway? Who am I now in this Marshaless identity? She is still the voice in my head, the presence in my home, and the love of my dreams, so what does all this mean anyway? My activities will be the same today as they have been, my life has not changed from a week ago, and yet that word somehow has changed something. I always thought that the word widow sounded so sad, well how about widower? Do people think of me as sad? Am I sad? What is this widower thing anyway?

Experiences

Our lives are filled with experiences of all kinds. In the picture three of my grandchildren are together, the fourth is out of the picture but present, at The Melting Pot in Myrtle Beach. I can remember Forrest saying this is the best meal I have ever eaten. I have had a lot of those kinds of experiences in my life. You know the ones where you suddenly realize that this is a first and you will never forget it. Some experiences like that motivate us to create a future that will allow us to have more experiences like the amazing one that just happened and some others motivate us to avoid that one again at all cost. Experiences are teachers when we are able to learn from them. In fact we don't have anything we haven't learned by experience, and we don't have anything we're good at without repeated experiences. Some repeated experiences however teach us wrong lessons, like not to trust or not to love, or not to try, or to work to much. One of the great God given gifts of being human is the ability to step back from our life in the midst of our life to assess our own life. We can choose to continue in the direction we've been going or even ignoring our experiences we can choose something new and different. I've seen so many people trapped by their past, so many people locked into patterns that will only perpetuate a flawed path. A well lived life is an examined life, and in my experience is best examined in the light of Christ.

Health and Wholeness

My son Dana said he was proud of me for doing with him the things I did this summer. He was happy that at my age I would hike and climb and experience things that he thought most men my age would refuse to do. When I retired in the summer of 08 those same activities would have killed me. I was overweight and out of shape although I do have to admit that round is a shape, and I was definitely round. I went from an inactive profession to active hobbies and exercise programs. I walked and I lifted and I golfed and I set one rule for eating. I live by the one plate rule. I don't avoid any food but I eat only one plate and I try to keep that a reasonable size. All this to take care of this physical body that God has given me. I do think that is only half the battle, if battle is the right word. I think wholeness includes are emotional and spiritual health as well. Doctors and checkups and healthy lifestyles can take care of my body, but peace and joy and other rewards of emotional and spiritual health are of equal importance. Our bodies reflect our physical condition but also our emotional and spiritual condition. Our blood pressure and sleep habits for example. I am having a scheduled test Tuesday to check on my continuing physical health, but I'm not confused trying to preserve some false identity. acting as if I can secure my own future by over emphasis on a health body. Wholeness always includes knowing that we are incomplete without spiritual health as well. I am a child of God, I love God and God loves me. I try to spend my life in unity with God's purpose for me. In this rests whatever wholeness I have.