Answered Prayer

I went to an Alpha Conference and began leading Alpha in about 1996. Nicky Gumble who founded Alpha as we know it, does the talks on the Alpha tapes, and when he speaks of prayer he talks about making a list of items for prayer and then checking them off when the prayer is answered. I did write things down for a time but I am much more a head list person. Some of my prayers are answered almost immediately while others take months or sometimes years to be checked off. Last night I checked off an item that has been on my list the longest. I know Marsha was smiling in heaven last night and the grin has not left her face yet. It is a delight that my son is going to marry again, but it is even more of a delight that I really love the woman he loves and will marry. Sometimes God needs time to open all the door and close all the windows and get everyones free will in order for the best possible results. I'm grateful that he took his time and got it right. In my status this morning I said I was so excited it made my heart sing. However the music is even more beautiful than that.

Men's Group

For a group that spends it's time reading and discussing the Bible we laugh too much. I think it should be assumed that God would want us to feel better during and after our time together. One of the needs that Marsha and I found most in people was a need for community. It seems strange that while we live among so many people we can feel lonely. I've found that even some partners in marriage feel lonely. They live separate lives together often passing like the proverbial ships in the night. I am not suggesting that the church is the only place where people find community, but I have seen the dual benefit of a relationship with God and a relationship with God's friends being a winning combination for many peoples lives. On Facebook I have family friends but almost every other friend is from one of my church communities. Especially in this time after Marsha passed away, I have had an increased need for that community support. I find it at my church here in Myrtle Beach, and I find it in the desire of other friends around the country to care about what happening with me. I can still laugh at Bible study and elsewhere in life because although I miss my best friend, I still do have many others. What do lonely people do when they need support? How open are we in our busy lives to see the needs of the lonely? Look around, I'm sure someone you saw today needs someone to care about them. Could it be you?

Saints

This weekend we celebrate All Saints Day. It has taken on special meaning this year for sure. The picture is of my personal saint who was with me for forty seven years and married to me for forty five. I've said many times that I am a Christian because of three people.

I read a small meditation from Forward Day by Day and it recorded a conversation been Phillips Brooks and Christianity Today magazine. The reporter had asked him why he was a Christian expecting a deep theological answer from this profound preacher and theologian. He thought for a moment and said, "I think it was my aunt in Teaneck New Jersey." He was saying that he was influenced to become a Christian by this aunt. He was saying that almost everyone who is a Christian is one because of contact with another Christian. Thinking about how I became a Christian led me to three people one of them my Marsha. To me Marsha will always be a saint. I don't want to be presumptive of the role that only belongs to God, but I can't imagine that God was not well pleased with her. She lived a life that was so other centered that it was obvious to those around her. She loved children and they loved her. She helped the poor in every way she could, was open to love everyone who needed it. Her students loved her, my parishioners loved her, her family loved her and she brought love to them from the God who loved her. If a saint is someone whose life it is worthy for us to emulate than I'm confident Marsha is one of them. Happy All Saints Day my love.

Stirred but not Saken

In some movie or TV show I watched one of the characters always had a martini that was ordered stirred but not shaken. I don't know if that would change anything in the martini. I can not think of anything I would want less to drink than a martini. In a life comparison, I think that is the job of leadership. We often say that someone has been brought in to shake things up. Sometimes the results are positive for the moment but fear in the long run is a poor motivator. Usually fear leads to self protection, panic to irrational responses. To stir things up is more the leadership that helps to create changes. Being a catalyst of change means to help people see new possibilities without making them feel threatened. People want to feel as if they have a part in what will happen, but you can stir their minds to look at things in new ways and help them to choose new directions.

The message of the week for me was about maturity. An anchored life can not be shaken. It rest on the deep assurance that things can always be worked out for the good. Events may stir up life and cause turbulence but the foundation is still unshakable. What needs to be stirred up? Complacency is never the answer for a growing life. What must remain as a firm anchor? Not all change is good, stirring things up the wrong way can change essential things and loosen the anchor. Stirred but not shaken, a different application of the martini principle.

Leaves

I read all my FB friends status updates, and the romanticism sometimes gets to me. I must admit that fall in New England is spectacular. The colors in the postcard picture scenery is indeed amazing. It really worked for me as long as I could forget that I was going to have to rake bag and haul all those pretty things out of my yard. I just spent a week in Florida visiting my mother and there you still get to rake and bag those leaves without the pretty colors. The tree in the picture has great big leaves that were coming down like rain. My blisters are still here to remind me of the love hate relationship that exists with those beautiful leaves. It is just harder to appreciate the beauty when you are the one who will deal with the work.

I've always said that most negative attributes have a positive counterpart and vice versa. Marsha used to call me stubborn and all of you who know me know that was just an incorrect legend. Yeh right!! Well I guess I have a stubborn side. But I remind people that stubborn is just the difficult side of persistent. We all like people who are persistent. We admire people who don't give up, who persevere in the midst of challenges and difficulties. I find a lot of things in life are a double edged reality. I can procrastinate but I'm good at spontaneity. I sometimes drive people crazy with my slow verbal responses, but what I say tends to be thought out. Examples abound.

I like to say that life is pregnant with possibilities. Every situation, every circumstance has embedded within it something beneficial. It may not be a good experience that brings enjoyment but it will at least have a lesson we need to learn or an opportunity that will open up a future good. Too often we can't see it because we focus on the problem and miss the possibility. This is not exactly an "If life gives you lemons make lemonade." view. The moment may not ever be sweet, it may always bring a sour taste to your mouth, but it may create a strength that will hold you up in later challenges, or some other benefit we can't find at the moment. With the leaves the best comes before the worst. In life sometimes the worst comes before the best.

I hope

I live in a marvelous world. From north to south I have seen the beauty of God's creation. From the mountains to the shore I have loved the outdoors. I get to find recreation in games like golf and hobbies like swimming. I get to exercise by climbing mountain trails or to sit in prayer and meditation beside still waters at a wilderness lake. I live a wonderful home with wonderful friends as neighbors, and a church family that gives me a chance to use the gifts God has given me. They also provide a community to support me in my times of challenge. I look at life and the world and wonder how I could ask for more.

I spend time with people so much of the time who have a completely negative world view. I wonder how they can live in the same place I do and not see the greatness of life even when it is difficult. It seems as though some people have blinders on that prevents them from enjoying the abundant opportunities and possibilities that surround them. It's seems like if you can't buy it you can't enjoy it. If you can't have it all you won't be happy with any of it. All or nothing when you can never have it all is not satisfying. Contentment is elusive because it comes from within, while people look for it without. This creates a hopeless life.

I hope I always have an ability to see this great gift of life. I hope others find the same joy that I've found. I hope blind eyes see and the overwhelming blindness of materialism is healed in our world. I already have the perfect hope of rejoining Marsha in the eternal kingdom of God, but I hold out hope that a renewal will sweep this world helping us to appreciate all we have. I hope we can live without always being consumed with a need for more. Unrealistic, maybe but there is always hope.

Judgement

When I was ordained a deacon I was fast approaching fifty and I didn't think I would ever be a rector of a church. I thought that my ministry as a priest would probably be expressed mostly at Camp Dennen and perhaps in Cursillo. God was good enough to open the doors for a part time ministry at The Church of the Holy Spirit in Mattapan. Paul Schwenzfieir the rector used to have a little test for people who came and wanted to do ministry through his church. He would tell them to go across the street turn left go one block turn left go one block turn left and come back and see him. He said most people did not come back to his office because they were afraid to cross the street. Many people hearing that I was going to work in Mattapan had a similar reaction. They judged the area as too dangerous for ministry especially by anyone white. I knew God had called me to this ministry from the start and did not fear the neighborhood or the city. Marsha who had little or no experience with racial and ethnic diversity was also very comfortable in this new environment. What we discovered was just the opposite of the judgment that people made about Mattapan. We had one of the most remarkable experiences among some of the most remarkable people. When it was clear that God was calling us to something else, we had heavy hearts leaving that wonderful church with so many wonderful friends both young and old. A couple of my facebook friend come from my youth group at Holy Spirit. They are now amazing adults still impressive in their worlds. Why are we so quick to judge? Why are we so often unwilling to try and put ourselves in the other persons shoes or try to feel what it might be like to live in their skin? Why is the unknown so terrifying? Why do we presume that the good must be all like us? God says Love Your Neighbor not Love Some Neighbors. How many great surprises have we missed because we prejudged or judged too quickly. The picture of Marsha was taken in Whitman at my installation, and the two women are Fay Hill and Dothsy Elliot from Mattapan two of the great treasures God had given us in this great church community.

Fog

This is highly unusual my brain is in a fog and I have nothing to say. Hard to imagine but I've been thinking and thinking about what to think about and nothing. My brain is never nothing even in my sleep, I don't know what to do with this except think about not being thinking. I used to ask my grandchildren what they were thinking and they would say nothing, and I would say "How can you have nothing going on between your ears?" Marsha used to say she didn't think and I would look at her with the most blank puzzled expression. I could not understand how anyone could not be thinking. So what's up with the fog? I had a great day, a lot of fun. When I made two birdies in a row on difficult holes one of the guys I was playing with said he felt a sermon coming on, but I could not think how I could use that without losing my humility. After golf I just kinda vegged in front of the TV and watched a couple of movies I had recorded with the DVR. Nothing that would stop me from thinking. I always told Marsha, "Look I can do two things at once but you have to know that one of those things is always thinking. I cannot shut off my brain. I can drive and think, but I can't drive and think and talk. If you want me to talk you have to drive so I can talk and think." She finally came to believe me in our later marriage. So I have nothing to offer to the blogoshere today. I've been sitting here thinking and thinking what I should think about to write about and I just can't think. So there!!!

Security

Security is a something we seek and try to grasp and hold for much of our lives. A personality study that I've used says that within our inherited bands of personality, we choose one of three differing manifestations based on how we think we will be secure or safe. Other methods of understanding human choices look at how we define our identity. If we have a strong identity we feel in control and therefor safe. Henry Nouwen wrote that we have three basic human identities based on: 1 health and beauty; people with this identity are often found at the gym or beauty parlor or developing a perfect wardrobe, this group tries with all their effort to avoid getting old or thinking their getting old, 2 Relationships: being a great wife or husband or mother or friend, this group can be shaken by a divorce or children leaving home or something else that profoundly changes their relationships, 3 job or savings; Status or control is found in financial security or job security or feeling indispensible in the company, often their identity is shaken by a layoff or stocks failing or great financial demands made by other issues. Ever watch a guy lose who he is when he is without work and you get the idea. I have to admit I felt very secure in Marsha's love but through our faith we both found more secure identities than that.

Today in Bible study we were talking about how we know we have faith. The fact that doubt is a present reality in most of us, was obvious by the discussion. The scripture spoke of rejoicing in suffering knowing that suffering leads to perseverance and perseverance to character and character leads to hope. We grow in our assurance of our security in God, when we choose to trust God in the hard times. The past few years have brought many changes in my life and Marsha's around all those ways that we feel secure. Retirement, my cancer and hers, moving away from long time relationships, and my losing Marsha for example, and yet my sense of security has not been shaken. I know who I am and whose I am, and I can rest in that knowledge easily. What can make you secure that is not fragile and able to be lost in a moment? Find the rock that can anchor all things and nothing can shake you.

Conversations

My children are very different as you can see from the pictures. They both teach school, but outside of school their choices are very different. My son loves the outdoors and the back woods of Maine. He would be happier yet if he were further removed from his nearest neighbors. My daughter loves theatre and the energy of people. She is more likely to over extend herself in a people oriented life. Marsha and I raised the two of them and they are the extreme edges of the two of us. We both loved nature and the outdoors but not like my son, and we both loved theatre although not nearly to the extent of my daughter. Although they are vert different extensions of the two us conversations with both of them have become very meaningful. It is a remarkable time in my life when I can really look forward to conversations with them. I'm not saying that I didn't want to talk to them before, but conversations have become very real not the usual dad and the kids dialogue but very real and good. The joys and struggles, the progress and the setbacks of all of us are on the table and it feels right. I know I'm still dad, but I don't have to be dad if you can understand or identify with what I mean. Something switched when Marsha died maybe before to them I was a guy whose every need was already met, and all of a sudden I had needs like everybody else. I don't know what happened really but something happened that changed how we relate to one another and it is good. We're all big people now and we all have something to share. I wish Marsha could be here to share it too. She must be smiling though it is exactly what she would have really loved for me and my adult children. It's exactly what I love too!!

Cathedrals of My Life

I was talking with my mom yesterday about life and family and she remarked that the last summer she saw Marsha she had told her that Marsha was the best thing that ever happened to me. I might debate that from the perspective of my relationship with Christ, but certainly in a human being she was profoundly right. I began to thing however about the places where I found God, what I might call the cathedrals of my life. Some were large and elaborate like St. Thomas Taunton, one was rough and plain as in the Tad Bowers Memorial Chapel at Camp Dennen, others were the chapel at the Oblate Center in Natick where I made my Cursillo, Trinity Wrentham, Holy Spirit Mattapan, the Church of the Resurrection Surfside and All Saints Whitman. They all brought God to me in very profound and important ways. God was in all those temples, but perhaps more available to me was the Christ in Marsha, one temple of the Holy Spirit. Often churches and worship wake me to the presence of God in a new way or a fresh beginning, but in my day to day life my prayer time and Marsha were the most common catalysts to help me see and understand God's will. We should never forget that at the top of creations order is not any man made cathedral but rather human beings. Too often we worship what we have made and downgrade what God has made. Even atheists worship all the things man has made, even their own ideas, but they neglect to see what God has made, a temple for His very presence. Marsha is not the only one either you know, just the one that meant the most to my journey. We can each be a cathedral to those around us as we let Christ's light shine through us.

Golf

I just got back from playing a round of golf here in Florida. Once agin I was confused by this game. I played the same course on Friday and I was horrible. I could not find any part of my better golf game. Today everything came together. One day one part of my golf game can be good and it can be the worst part the next day. The minute you think you have everything figured out, humility is close at hand. I have learned a lot from settling into my golf hobby. Never get too excited about the great days and never get too down from the bad ones. I love the game because it is so challenging to develop anything called consistency. People who don't play the game think it must be boring because you do the same thing every time, but it is never the same from day to day. Your play can change, the wind and weather change, the position of the tees and the hole on the green can change and the whole experience changes with all those many things. You think you are doing everything right and the results can be great one day and terrible the next.

Life is so much like the golf experience. Without changing anything you do, life can change in an instant. We need to go with the flow because if we think we have life under control, like with golf, we will be humbled. I have come to see that it is not a bad thing. Even the most frustrating days on a golf course can create positive lessons. Life is like that as well, we take life lessons from all circumstances and I hope we come to know that tomorrow can look very different than today. Learning how to adapt to a changing life situation is an important part of the journey. We can be crippled if we think life must always fit in a neat controlled pattern, because life inevitably goes out of our control. For me God is the one constant that supports me as I travel this meandering journey. God does not make me immune to the changes and chances of life, but God does make me immune to being crippled by the changes and chances in this game of life.

Getting to Know You

One of the ingredients of a sound community is the desire to spend time together in one way or another. The picture is from church at the beach which is a gathering of church individuals and families for a cookout and beach fellowship on a weeknight in Myrtle Beach. I had a chance to get to know people better than just the normal church time. As a part of the healing ministry team I have had the chance to get to know still others. Each of these opportunities gives a community a chance to deepen relationships. I find many different possibilities available even across great distances through Facebook. I laugh with some of the messages and comments but I do get to know peoples lives and sense of humor and problems and joys. For some of the people it helps me know what they need and especially what I can pray about for them. I would not have thought that a computer could be used to form a meaningful network of friends but I do feel connected to many of you through this crazy medium. I do know that as I spend more time physically alone, I find the feeling of connection in community has even more value to me. I think one of the important pieces of my ministry was engaging people in Christian community. I knew then and I know now that Christ formed a community of friends that changed the world, and that my world was changed by participation in Christian communities of friends. We can't have real friends without sharing ourselves with others, by getting to know you and letting you get to know me.

Tides

Merrie, my daughter, and her husband Rich went on a road trip last summer that took them through parts of Canada. One stop on the trip was the Bay of Funde. The tides in the bay draw visitors to the area all the time because the rise and fall of the tides is so great. Years ago my mother expressed a desire to see the rising tide at one of the tidal bores on the Bay of Funde so she and I went on a mother son road trip. Growing up on Cape Cod I was aware that tides vary with the phases of the moon and the season as well as from place to place. I had reasons why I loved high tide, but just as many why I loved low tide. The ebb and flow of the water shows the reality of constant change.

Our lives seem to move like the tides. We have an ebb and flow in life that is as constant as the changing tides. Perhaps the ebb and flow in life is less predictable but we can predict that the life tides will change. Some moments in life are like Funde and fills us with huge highs or almost unbearable lows, while other life tides are gentle and we almost can't even find a clear reason for the changes. One thing is clear and that is that no matter what the change, high or low, the future will bring something new and different as life moves on.

Florida Trip

I'm in Florida for the week to spend time with my mom and do a few chores. The trip was long but pretty quick and without any problems. You know when you are going to spend a week with mom that your favorite meal is in the future and here she is on the first day cooking my favorite mom meal. It is the unwritten law of motherhood that you will prepare their favorite food. My wife used to say that went I went home I went from forty to ten in an instant. I don't know about that but the smells and the nostalgia can certainly bring back thoughts and feelings that are anchored in the past.

Last summer I went around the town where I grew up and although many things had changed I still had memories around every corner.

The problem is we often hold onto the worst things as much as we hold onto the best. I have spent most of my life talking to people both young, when I was a teacher, and young and old, as a priest. I know that Christ changed my life and the transformation was sudden and dramatic. Much of the bad I had done and experienced was reframed in that new experience. Those things became lessons instead of obstacles, and they continue in my life filled with opportunity rather than difficulty.

Well after having been taunted by the smells in the air for almost an hour my favorite meal is ready. Um I can taste it already. Welcome home!!!

That Little Brown Church

What we learn, when, and from whom is a mystery to me. It is a mystery because the predictable is often not the actual. Marsha and I had the most wonderful experience while we were part of the Church of the Holy Spirit in Mattapan MA. The congregation was large with tremendous diversity of race and culture. The church had resources to make a significant contribution to the neighborhood, and the will to use them according to God's plan. We grew in our understanding of Christ and our ministry while part of that church. We both had learned perhaps even more while leading the community at Camp Dennen. We had the opportunity to experience every kind of ministry in this perfect place with God's perfect timing. I think we went to All Saints' Whitman feeling we were ready, but we learned so much more there about ourselves and the value of community. Marsha and I had made a decision that we needed to live in Whitman and really wanted a home close to the church. God provided in the most amazing way when we asked the church to pray that we find a home close to the church. Little did we know that some members of the church saw our moving to Whitman as an ultimate sign of faith and trusting God. You see the congregation had made a financial commitment to a full time priest for only three years. Three years was all they could afford in using up the endowment at the rate of their predicted deficit. A few years later a comment was made by a church leader that this decision to sell our home and move to Whitman was a sign to many of the depth of our trust in God. Marsha and I looked at each other with great surprise because we had never given it a second thought and did not see it as any act of trust. We learned that we did trust God because we never doubted that God would provide everything needed to grow this congregation. So many times I have seen a simple word or a small act change everything when put into the context of God's plan. When we pray for God to lead and we trust him to prepare the path, God will provide, perhaps not as we originally perceive but God is faithful. I still see God's hand working in my life in the same way today. I still don't know where it will all lead but day by day God reveals His perfect will for me.

GPS

I have purchased a golf GPS device that will have measurements of all the golf courses in North America preprogramed inside. I have a Tom Tom for my car to take on trips to lead me to places I've never been. It is amazing how accurate the satellite data can be. The golf data guarantees to be accurate within two yards, and can tell you how close you are to water, traps, doglegs and greens. I have looked at Google Earth and it is amazing what you can see if the pictures come from a non cloudy day. I know there are satellites that do the same thing in live pictures as well.

I was in junior high when Sputnic went into orbit as the first man made earth satellite. We were all amazed and many people were terrified that the Soviet Union had this object circling over our heads. Bomb shelters were built by scared people to protect scared people from an almost certain nuclear attack. The human intellect can accomplish so much while human emotions can cause so many problems. Not all emotions mind you but almost always when our actions are controlled by fear.

So much progress is blocked by fear of change and yet all change is not good. To find the balance we need to use our intelligence while curtailing our emotions. Today we worry about losing satellites and having our communication interrupted instead of fearing them. What other fear will look foolish in the future that seems so important today. What great positive change will be slow in coming because someone wants us to be eaten up by our fears.

Fishing

My son loves to fish and his achievements are not fish stories. I've seen both in picture and person that he can catch fish. I'm not so successful myself. I want the fish to jump in the goat and figuring out what it takes to catch them is not my idea of cerebral exercise. Fishing however is a noble enterprise. Among the first of Jesus disciples were four fishermen. We can learn in life from fishermen. Let me state some obvious things. You don't catch fish in the garden, and you don't catch tuna in the local pond. It is true if we're looking to become friends with certain kinds of people. Look for people in the pond that might contain the ones your looking for. Fishermen catch fish when they use the right bait. Some times the fish will only bite on a fly that matches the insect that has hatched that very hour. If we want to catch people we need to develop the character that will attract others. We are drawn to certain people because they make us feel safe or happy or appreciated or whatever else is important to them. Honesty, integrity, courage, perseverance, ambition, intelligence, compassion and other traits are magnetic. Often fishermen need to be patient. Results are not always immediate. So it is with developing relationships. It takes time to form a true and lasting relationship. Staying in relationship and working at difficulties and sharing our stories leads to deepening of our connection. Maybe we all can't catch the big fish in the pond, but we all can become fishers of people. Maybe we all ought to take fishing lessons after all.

Fear or Trust?

This picture comes from Quebec. My daughter was at this walking bridge over the falls during her vacation this summer. My daughter like my wife is terrified of height. Our friends Dave & Pat were with me as we approached Charleston with Marsha in the van front seat. We hit the Cooper bridge and Dave started laughing at Marsha's reaction. He thought she was joking because her fear was so exaggerated. I think we all have some irrational fears. When I was a kid I passed out at the sight of a needle. Scripture says that there is no fear in Christ. What is interesting is that Marsha would drive across difficult bridges when she knew they were there. One time with my grandson Forrest in the van she crossed several high bridges. She would tell him to be quiet and she would sing Jesus Jesus Jesus there is something about that Name. At one point, as Forrest tells the story, he was sleeping when he heard Marsha singing those lyrics and he knew they had come to another bridge. When she was able to put her focus on Christ she was able to do amazing things. Even during her illness she relied on Christ and faced her cancer with calm and peace and a deep faith. I wonder why we can so often find the strength we need in the difficult times and forget it is available in the small challenges or the normal days. Trust God and we will not falter.

How Far & How Long

This not so good picture was taken near a waterfall in Maine this summer. It was my son's birthday and we were off to explore the wilderness. He was cooking steaks by the van while Jessica and I were sent to see the falls a couple of hundred yards down the trail. Well the distance round trip was actually about 2.5 miles. My son fits the old Mainer joke about things being "Just down the road a piece." I don't think he's unusual though.Did you ever notice that perception of time and space are not always clear to people. We laugh (when it is not our kids) when kids ask. "Are we there yet?" a thousand times on any trip in the car. It seems as though they think the car should be an instantaneous time distance transporter. Our very adult answer to the question "How much longer?" might be something like "We'll get there when we get there." That's not too obvious is it?

I think in life that kind of problem is often the issue. In fact we don't know where we are going and we won't know how far it is or how long it takes until we get there. Life is unpredictable even amidst it's routine. Even when day to day can seem so certain, life can take twists and turns at any moment that put you on a path to somewhere that will take so long and you have know idea what those are or even what they will look like.

When I put life in perspective and take a full look at mine I know I never could have seen the path I followed. If someone had asked me on graduation day 1961 what I was going to do or be I can tell you for sure that it would not have resembled my life. I think of work, I think of parenthood, I think of travel and grandchildren and relationships and health and so much of it was not even in the picture.

Lately it has been even more clear that answers to questions like "How long?" or "How far?" are really quite impossible to know. The great destination may be known but the intermediate ones are increasingly unclear and the timetable unknown. Life is suddenly very different and what's next unknown. I can say that I think I'll recognize the destinations when I get to them if I get to them. How long will it take? I don't know because I'm not sure where I'm heading, but "I'll get there when I get there." and that will be just fine with me.

Reminders

One of the messages I received from God as I started to grieve Marsha's passing was to keep reminders around to keep me from avoiding the grief. I picked a couple that are meaningful to me. Marsha prided herself on how long she could keep the African Violets in bloom. She loved those little flowers and the way they brightened up a window or a corner. This is one of her violets. I sent it the plant sitter when I went north for the summer so I could keep it alive. The calendar was a gift to Marsha from Janice Aquafresca a teacher friend when Marsha retired. Marsha changed the date every morning but I stopped the day she died. I see this at my kitchen sink each day. The third picture is of some of the cards and letters we received when Marsha was sick and passed away. They sit on my counter and I pick one or two to read from time to time to remind me of your prayers for her and for me. This may sound morbid to some to keep reminders around to grieve, but I have a good life and I have fun and I could not do the work to heal by hiding in activity. God keeps working in me to love the life we had, to realize that life is different for both of us now, and to continue to prepare me for my future whatever that may be. I'm trying to be faithful to the process and to pray for God to lead me and he does. Some day at least some of the reminders will go, and I will know that it is time, but for now these and other reminders help me to balance my life between the process of healing and the journey of living.

Reality

I think it is because Marsha passed away, but I have become increasingly aware of how often people ask me how I am doing. I've begun to wonder how often I do the same. I'm not talking about the pass me in the hall hello how are you banter that can happen between strangers, but rather the same question asked by an acquaintance. Some times I think, "Do they really want to know?" Most of the time when I say I'm OK I mean it. Life has been good to me even in these most challenging times, but I wonder how people would react if I wasn't doing OK and if what I had to say was heavy and difficult. Do they really want to know?Maybe I'm asking if I really would want to know. How much of the other guys reality do I really care to know? As I've wrestled with that question lately I have concluded that, when I ask that of someone I know, I really am open to a full answer no matter what, if that is what they want to share. I've found however that people seldom want to share. The reality is most people don't want to share arbitrarily with many different people. That's funny coming from someone who writes a publicly accessible blog. I was talking to my son tonight and he commented on my ramblings and the sharing of my grieving process and acted as if it was brave. I guess it might influence how people feel about me, but I trust that those who would be put off by my words are not those who I would feel most close to in life anyway. For a long time I've operated with the belief that to have a friend, they must know my reality not some pretense. To love me you must know me and not a public facade. Shared reality is the foundation of relationships. Genuine honesty and integrity cement friendships. That's for me!!!

Out of Place

I thought that a covered bridge was created to protect travelers who were attempting to cross a river in icy snowy winter conditions. This covered bridge was in Georgia. It seemed so out of place to me that I decided to take some pictures. I have been in places where I felt out of place. This summer as I was watching the young guys pass me on the trip up that vertical cliff at Acadia National Park, I knew they were thinking what in the world are you doing here and I was wondering the same. I was glad I made that climb but I did feel out of place. When I was ordained Bishop Johnson had a dinner for us at the Union Club on Beacon Hill in Boston. This is an exclusive club founded about the time of the Civil War for the wealthy and influential. Marsha and I felt so out of place and spent the night wondering what that money could have accomplished if put to another use. I would have to pretend big time to look comfortable in that environment. Marsha always made sure that I knew what to do with all the detailed silverware and dinnerware in a formal setting but that is not the same as being in exclusive surroundings. I think it is important to know yourself and to know here you fit in the scheme of things. When Marsha said that she was everyday china she meant that she knew who she was and where she fit and that it was OK. Aspirations are great and I would not discourage someone from seeking to learn and grow into a different arena of comfort if they feel that is meant for them, but in the end we need to be at home in our own skin in the place God created for us. I'm not out of place now.

Power

Power and control seem to be common human issues. We want to be in control and feel vulnerable when we find life out of control. We also seem to want to be in control of more than our own lives. Bosses often use power tactics because they feel threatened when they think they are not in control. Jesus represented a completely different way of operating. Who could possibly have more power than God himself, and yet God did not choose to control us but rather to attract us. The Christian Marsha that formed after her own Cursillo understood that control was not the answer. When Marsha was rectora of a Cursillo she called that attraction the power of gentleness. She chose that because after she came to understand the Christ in her, the gentle loving presence of her Lord. She came to epitomize that power of gentleness. She was so attractive to others because they sensed the depth of her love and the gentleness of her life. Gentleness to her was a deep respect for the personhood of others. She was strong about what was right and wrong, but gentle with the individuals even when she needed to confront bad choices. I learned so much from her about living a God centered life. Beauty that has the greatest lasting effect always comes from within, and a gentle spirit is always plays big part.

Along the Way

Marsha and I had an exciting 45 years of marriage. Along the way we had the opportunities to have close relationships with many wonderful people. Some have been lost along the way. In the picture is Susan Vigliano and her son Danny. When Danny was born Susan lived with us and Marsha ended up being her birth coach in the delivery room. I walked her down the aisle for her second marriage, but we lived far apart and our paths have not crossed nearly enough. As I was looking through my photo album this picture stopped me and made me think of the people I miss. People who don't even know that Marsha has passed away. I made an effort yesterday to find Susan by a google search and did come up with some results, but when I called I had no luck. I think of others like John Bernard who used our home as a living space for some time while he completed college. We took a seminary class together as later we both worked toward ordination. Life brings people into your arena and then sometimes they are gone. We learn from them and we grow from them, but in due season the connection can cease. I don't think that changes the value that comes from the time together. I love the opportunities that I have had to share my life with people. What a gift it is to look back and have those memories. We cherish the past for all it has brought us, we plan for and hope for the future, and we live in the moment. All three valuable in their own way.