Walking the Beach

I took the time today to take a really long walk on the beach. The sun was warm and the breeze was gentle and the air was fresh and not too humid. The waves were breaking on my left as I walked down the beach and on my right on the walk back. They were active but not violent and often washed up over my feet as I walked along. On this walk I was listening to my Christian music with my Ipod and trying not to sing conspicuously as I walked along with people around me. I was deep into thought about my wife Marsha. At bible study today heaven became a focus for part of the discussion and in particular if we will recognize people from this life when we get to heaven. My friend said why does it matter to us, and I said I take comfort from the thought of seeing Marsha again. I don't know if I will or won't see her again but it is true I take comfort from the thought of seeing her again. My walk on the beach was spent processing that idea. I guess in this walk I came to the conclusion that there is nothing wrong with taking comfort that I will see Marsha again if it helps me today. You see I think at my best on a walk is like that. The steps are pretty automatic and the pace seems to fall into a biological rhythm. Thinking which is natural to me anyway often becomes even more productive on a walk. I don't think we were made for cars, planes and airplanes. We need to go for a walk or two. Problems might be a lot smaller and solutions a lot better if we did.

No Angels

These have been staring at me lately. They were a gift to Marsha and I from a friend who thought they were cute and that they looked like us. I think she might have thought we were a little bit like angels too. The hands on her hips and the puzzled look on his might have been a reason for thinking it was us as well. I know I caused those hands on the hips quite often, and I was always trying to figure her out and was left puzzled. I also know we loved each other with great passion, but we were no angels with each other at times. I like the figurines because they remind me of how far our marriage progressed through the years. We definitely enjoyed many many good times through the years, and they got more plentiful as time went on. Also, I think we both knew from the start that relationships are not easy. Relationships require hard work. In our non-angelic moments we were also good at hurting one another and we were both strong willed and stubborn. I'm so happy that we didn't quit on each other and walk away because of the bad times. I look back now at all I would have missed and I know I really would have missed so much that is good and excellent. Life was a trip worth taking with Marsha. I really do miss my angel.

Cursillo in Christianity

Most often we just use the word Cursillo to describe this retreat method which used world wide today to help people become Christian leaders. Cursillo is a Spanish word which basically means short course so the real name is Short Course in Christianity. I was blindly lead to a Cursillo in October of 1979 at the Oblate Center in Natick Massachusetts. I say blindly because I had no idea what it was or what I would experience. It was the first weekend after I closed Camp Dennen that year, so it would have been my first weekend at home without obligations and yet God gave me a strong desire in my heart to do this retreat. Although some people see me differently, I am not one to jump boldly into the unknown. I like to figure things out and understand things. This was doing something without any knowledge of what it was on a weekend that should have been the least desirable and yet God made it the desire of my heart. I could have shut that desire up with practicality but I didn't, this time I went with it and my life was changed forever. Marsha went on her Cursillo this next month and had the exact same experience, her life was changed forever. Our lives have been woven together with the Cursillo movement ever since in one way or another. Cursillo gave us an ongoing method to continue the process of growth as human beings. I think I was better husband because of Cursillo, a better father and grandfather, a better teacher, and I never would have been a priest at all without Cursillo. It's over thirty years now since my original Cursillo and I am still trying to be faithful to the method I learned in October 1979 because it works to help transform a life into something more beautiful and engaging and enjoyable and productive and faithful and ...... I go this morning to participate again in the planning of a Cursillo. It is a new community with different ways of doing things but the same tried and true method for structuring a Christian life. I cannot think of a place I would rather be. You see I still answer that inner thing where God has created the desire of my heart to be with Him and he meets me every time anew on Cursillo.

Home Comfort

Once Marsha and I moved out on our own I realized that Marsha had the ability to make a house into a home. Our first home was a rented apartment after we had not really lived alone for our first year of marriage. We moved into a duplex apartment in Plainville Massachusetts and she immediately made the space feel like a home. Part of it was the way she organized the space, but more of it was the way she helped life flow smoothly and comfortably. Life happened and for the most part it was without tension and stress. Things that needed to happen happened and life proceeded on schedule on pace. We moved to our first house after a couple of years and we had to fill some rooms with used junk, but Marsha made it work. The house was dirty and sagging in the middle with very unlevel floors, but we cleaned and worked at making it a home. Marsha used to laugh that our son Dana learned to walk side hill. We lived in Norton, Wrentham, Whitman and Taunton the same was true. From cottage to mansion it didn't matter, things were done to make it home and to make it comfortable. Here in Myrtle Beach I live the way Marsha set things up to work. She taught me how a home functions and it still works even without her to watch me. I use her life model at every turn and my home is still comfortable.

I think that is what God wants to do for us. Life works and has an inner comfort when I am following God's plan. He set the pattern for us to follow and knows that when we learn his model life works. Peace that passes understanding, joy that can't be taken away. and the assurance of God's presence at all times, what more can we ask for. If home is where the heart is my home is with the Lord.

What Do You Think?

I was very recently asked that question. I almost laughed. They had no idea that I wouldn't know where to start if I really wanted to answer the question. If anything I think too much not too little. Most of what I think would be boring and irrelevant to those who asked the question. I would be exhausted if I put into action even half the things I think about. I think about the past, present and future, I think about the abstract and the practical, I even think about the funny and the foolish. No arena is far from my thoughts. When Marsha and I came to understand each other better she realized that I was always thinking. I could think and while thinking do one other thing but I can not think and do two other things. That made a lot of things more clear for her, and made our time together go much more smoothly. With the other thing besides thinking I try to live in the moment and apply the most practical things I have been thinking especially if I strongly sense the thoughts were inspired by God. I did answer the question and I kept the answer in the same realm as the discussion that was going on. What unimaginable restraint. Sometimes I wish I was a less complex person, but then I remember how much I like the way my life works for me. I'm not saying that a thinker is better. I might have thought that earlier in my life, but Marsha was so different and yet so competent that I came to know that other people are just different not better or worse. I made me think. Oh no here we go again.

Hard Work & Grace

Life is hard work no matter what. If I look at all the hills I have climbed in life I get tired just thinking about them. People always say that change is difficult, and I can't think of a time in my life when change was not required. As a teacher I watched boys turn into men and girls turn into women with all the confusion that goes with it. I remembered my own struggles at growing up as a teenager. As an adult I was trying to learn to be a parent and husband. We all learn most from our mistakes so I guess I was a good learner because I gave myself plenty of learning material along the way. You would think it would get easier as you go along, but new challenges await us around every corner. Your body starts to age and you see the future through much shorter eyes. My own cancer, although I felt at peace through it, was another distinct moment of change. I saw my own possible death then but not that of my wife. I'm working hard now at a new set of changes. Life without my partner, lover and helpmate. Mother's Day just passed and I felt that change even more keenly this year. I called my mom on Mother's Day and that was important but I didn't get to share the day with Marsha. Last year I think it was just too soon to really understand my loss by Mother's Day. I was still in a kind of numb state, engaging reality but only to the degree possible then. This year is different. Maybe enough has changed that I can experience my loss and the changes in life again but in a deeper way. Although life is always hard work, I continue to experience God's grace as I go. The path opens before me and the problems and the answers are revealed as needed. What changes are next along this journey of mine? I don't know, just like I didn't know when I was teenager struggling to figure out who I was and who I wanted to be. Never easy work but it has always been a great trip.

Personalities

I have spent years watching people. As a teacher for most of my career I taught every student in the building. I dealt with every type and subtype of personality. Later when I became a priest I also watched the interplay of different personalities. I have come to see that people who never dream they are acting in a way that would effect others in a negative way. Some people are sensitive and others are blunt. They don't do well together although they may not even see the issue. I wish that everyone could have a deeper understanding of other personalities because many personal conflicts can be avoided. When will we learn to accept one another and appreciate one another. Life is too good to let others have so much power over our lives. I allow it myself at times, but I try to quickly reclaim my own sanity. It hurts to see what we do to each other, but most frustrating when they are both really good people.