Too Much Sun

I had a wonderful morning of golf followed by a great afternoon at the beach. The sun was so warm, the breeze gentle, the water warm, the floating peaceful, what more could I ask for. I love the sun although I am supposed to be careful about my exposure. I already have a very good tan so I wasn't particularly worried about my afternoon. As I sit here the effects of the sun are becoming clearer, as I turn red. I have a sunburn on top of my tan. I got too much sun. I know that at least by Sunday the sunburn will fade to darkened tan and today will be a memory, but right now it makes me tired.

At times I have spent days in the light of the Son. The warmth was even more intense than a day at the beach. Usually those moments are far more peaceful than even my time floating in the gentle movement of the swells. Although the beach had a marvelous gentle breeze that made everything very comfortable, when I am with the Son the wind of the Spirit is so creative and inspiring that it helps me feel even closer to God. You see I can't imagine too much Son. Impossible to get too much Son. You see it's never cloudy when you want the Son. It's never too cold for that kind of exposure. Nope just always there always present. Too much Son, bring it on I can take it.

In Order

I like to go with the flow. My mind is challenged by reacting in the moment and listening to what God wants me to do. I like to live a life in the Spirit riding the wind like an eagle. So many times I have heard God speak to me in that inner spot of my mind. I just know what God wants me to do because of that voice inside me. I know some may think I'm nuts to think God speaks to little lowly me, but I could tell you stories that if you believed my truth would shock you into belief. I love that way in which God works with me. It would seem to even those who know me that my life is chaotic. I have to say however that I know this life will not work without order underneath and behind it. Marsha taught me that although it is my style to live easy, it works best when the house is in order. She organized my environment so that I could live a relaxed life within it. I continue to keep my physical environment organized and it allows me to relax and live a spontaneous life in my home. The picture represents the fact that in my spiritual life I cannot fly until I have an anchor. If I lose my spiritual discipline and order I lose my ability to fly. Who would think that I have order in my life and want it. Many are surprised when they visit and find my house looking like it did when Marsha was with me. She taught me many things and among them is the recognition that things just work better when life is in order.

Sharing Grief

I've never felt the need for a grief group. I know some churches offer small group support for people who have lost a loved one as the saying goes. I know Marsha's hospice organization has offered such a group to me and continues to send me information and pledges of support. I just never felt like that was the direction I wanted to go in dealing with Marsha's death. Yesterday a woman who is surviving the loss of her twenty four year old son came to the house with her mother, a friend of mine, to see the additions on Dave's house and my house. The topic turned to Marsha as we looked at the furnishings and choices of what is in my home. This led to talking about grief and the experiences we have had. Although I'm not going to sign up for the next grief group it was meaningful to share my experiences and listen to hers. To look in her eyes as she spoke of her son and the pain of that loss and to look in her eyes as I spoke of life after Marsha. We each had our way of framing the complicated nature of our grief process and yet at the core we were saying the same thing. We indeed are unique as human beings and yet we must admit our great similarities. Sharing is good and I know that God will present other opportunities for me to share my grief or talk about the process as it has worked for me. This past weekend I had conversations with one of the presenters at the healing conference, and she said it made her feel like she almost knew Marsha. I like that, she was so much well worth knowing.

Immersed

When I retired from active ministry I stepped back from significant involvement in the church. When Marsha and I settled here in Myrtle Beach I had promised myself I would spend a lot of time with my wife developing our new relationship as retired persons. We did that and had plans for life and travel as well as an active life day to day. I was enjoying our new life. Since Marsha's sickness and death I have also been seeking to live a new life while remembering the past one I loved so much. People say change is difficult and if that is true my life has certainly been difficult. In fact I would emphatically say it has been difficult. Not impossible or unlivable or sad or even without enjoyment, but still difficult. I've been in many conversations about my loss over the past year, many with men who aren't sure they would do very well without their wife. None of what I've written represents something bad, just at times difficult. This weekend with the healing conference I got a chance to be immersed once again in an environment where God's grace was the entire focus. As a priest that was my routine life, but since I retired although I continue with prayer and bible study and regular worship, immersed is not what I would call my life. It felt great to be in that environment where grace was everywhere and evident.

Love the Beach

I just had a good day today. I got to play golf this morning and although I didn't play as well as I do sometimes I had fun with Dave, my nephew Mark and my brother. After lunch I went to the beach. Boy I do love the beach. The sun was warm today and the breeze strong but not blasting me with sand. I relaxed in the sun and then took a swim. I used to swim at the other end of the beach but since i put Marsha's ashes in the water I have been drawn to that spot. It really makes what was always a great about going to the beach even better. When I go out to float in the surf it is like a reunion of sorts. It just makes me more keenly aware of all the great things we shared in life.

Off to dinner with the healing team and the couple who are with us for the weekend presenting a healing conference. I've never met them but I am excited to meet them and be energized for the healing ministry in our midst at Resurrection. Part of my beach time was praying for the events of the weekend. I prayed for the right people to choose to come, and for obedience to God when he nudges us this weekend, and for clear manifestations of the power and love of God in our midst. Let it Come. Come Holy Spirit Come!!!

Anticipation

Sometimes anticipation is not all that great. In the picture I am anticipating a climb straight up the side of a cliff. As you can see I'm not a terribly happy camper. Jess faced it with a smile, I had a different expression. Some things we never anticipate or at least I don't, like Marsha getting sick and leaving me to complete this part of the journey alone.

This weekend we have a couple coming to the church who conduct week long spiritual healing conferences around the world. I have waited for the beginning of many different retreats and conferences through the years and some of them have created the high energy of anticipation I feel right now. In those instances I have always been amazed at what God has done through the experience. I'm excited about this weekend. I can't wait to see what God will do. It's even a greater sense of anticipation than my waiting the day before we went to see the Masters at Augusta National, if you can believe that.

How Did We Get This Way

Everywhere I look I find people who want to divide us over one thing or another. I look and find hate between people who don't even know one another and wouldn't even take the time to bother and try to know one another. How did it get like this. I know that America has never been fair to everyone, and although I may have been on the poorer side of the economy I wasn't an object of discrimination, but today no matter where you stand on almost anything you will be hated just by moving. The north south divide is huge in both religious and political arenas. I can't get over a spirit of despair sometimes at the complete disconnect we have in this country between the rich and the middle class, the democrats and republicans, the religious and the secular, gay and straight, young and old. How did a country with so much promise for the world become a place where nothing can get done because everyone is right and nobody will give an inch for the common good. Progress has stopped folks if you haven't noticed and the decline that happened to so many before us is happening to us. We can't solve problems any more we can only hate anybody who suggests an answer different from our own. God is weeping over us, because no matter what side your on, it feels like selfish pride controls all of it. We could be a beacon of hope instead we sow the seeds of our own destruction. Throw them all out of power and we will have just another faction in the midst of the mess that won't give an inch either. I'm sorry I watched too much news today and read to many internet commentaries. I should have taken smaller bites maybe then i wouldn't have gotten sick.

Scheduled

Marsha and I were both school teachers. Marsha for obviously a much longer time than I was, but we both taught school for some time. That life was very scheduled, even more when I had to hold extra jobs so that the budget worked properly. Many good things happen when life is scheduled. You don't have to think much about what to do because it is preplanned. Often the difficulty is fitting in the things that are not part of the schedule and they can be the things you really want to do. After teaching when I became a fulltime priest and rector I had a schedule but it was definitely flexible. I worked a lot of hours and lived always on call, but I could amend my day at almost any time to include something that might just happen. I have to say that life fit my personality better than the scheduled life of a teacher. I think some people could be lazy without a definite schedule but that was hardly my problem. After I retired my life became even less scheduled and with Marsha's death I really don't have to schedule anything at any time unless I choose. It would seem like time would be a problem, like too much of it, but like the rest of my life that is not an issue now either. I have a few touch points scheduled that I have committed myself to, but they are few in number. I've had people in the past say to me that they are bored, and my almost instinctive reply has been, "Only boring people get bored." It was really a sarcastic answer and I obviously don't mean it, at least not completely. But I can avoid boredom just sitting around thinking so I guess I don't understand boredom. I do like life without a schedule though.

82 and Sunny

Poor me, after Alpha I did a few chores and then went to the beach. It was warm and beautiful as I pushed back into a reclined position in my gravity chair. It was great for more than a half hour but when I switched to my blanket to get sun on my back it was very soon felt like I was being sandblasted. The wind continued to pick up and the sand was covering me and the blanket. I got up and went in for a swim only to find the wind had created a very fast long shore current that made it even hard to stand. I played in the water for twenty minutes or so but it wasn't the relaxation I was looking for. Back at the gravity chair I once again leaned back and felt the warmth of the sun but with still some sandblasting now at the higher level off the ground. Finally I gave in and packed up to go home. I can understand now the problem of the Israelites in the desert as they were stuck with water from a rock and manna for free. They just had to grumble about something. I'm obviously partly joking. I did have a couple of those poor me thoughts but I wasn't mumbling against God. Ultimately it came to me that if someone had to suffer like that I was real glad it was me. Maybe it could do it again tomorrow.

God Sized Tasks

Life has many mountains and some of them are made of rock. In the picture today I am climbing the Beehive Trail with my son, grandson, and Jessica (the love of my son's life). It was challenging but not impossible to do. At times I felt it was a real challenge at other times just hard work. We face challenges of one sort or another all through life and I find it is how you deal with challenges that most effects the quality of life. Some of the challenges I call God Sized Tasks. Those challenges can be faced without the grace of God or the power of God but they cannot be met in the best way without the aid of God. The loss of Marsha is a case in point for me. I know people deal with grieving all the time, it is an unavoidable reality of life unless we ourselves die before ever facing a serious loss. I know people get through it without knowing or receiving the help of God, but I have also seen the ongoing scars that often exist when the task is not finished or not aided by God's grace. I feel so fortunate that I am comfortable to ask God to lead my grieving and then see his hand prepare the way. Experience after experience that others might call coincidental just happen and are lifted out to cause thoughts and feelings that move the grieving along. I'm always amazed at even the specificity. I don't watch "In Plain Sight" a series on cable, but I did the other night. Wouldn't you know one of the characters was wrestling with the possibility of an upcoming marriage when a relative arrived who speaking of her marriage talked about being married 46 years. Now this is less than a week after what would have been Marsha and my 46th anniversary. Some would say coincidence, but I pray for those things to happen and they do. What prompted me to watch this show I don't watch, on this particular night, with this particular character? You can answer for you, but for me it is being engaged in a God Sized Task (grieving) with a God who delivers when we consistently put Him at the center of our lives. God you are good all the time, all the time you are good.

Hard Tasks, unhealed places

I have been healed of many things in my life since coming to my personal relationship with Christ. Some were relationship healings, others were of memories that interfered with my trusting God. which would block my service to the Lord. I read of St. Paul having prayed for the thorn in his side to be removed many times and it was not removed. Perhaps it was something he had to live with as a sign of his humanity even as he trusted God with everything. Tomorrow is tax day and early in my life I had the IRS come after me for unpaid taxes. I was newly married and they docked my salary for the owed funds. It was not much money because I had been sent home from college and had a dead end job making very little money. I have been reluctant to face my taxes ever since. It became an issue with Marsha and I a number of times but no matter how much I wanted to do the tax thing differently, each year I repeated the same procrastination. I will be in agony from January on because the taxes are hanging over my head, but I will not relieve my pain by actually figuring out the taxes. It is almost a masochistic endeavor. It is as if I seek the pain rather than do what I know will end the pain. I've asked God to heal this issue but to no avail. I finished my taxes today but not before once again going through the months of misery. I wish I was healed but I was not, but it does keep me humble, and that helps me deepen my trust in God. When I see my humanity most clearly, I can see God's presence most clearly. Maybe 2

he could find another way to catch my attention next year. The pain is getting old real fast. because living with healing is much batter than battling the issues.

Choices

How many choices do we make in a day? How about a week? Life is a constant progression of choices, big or small, instinctive or thoughtful they come one after another. I know in Psalm 139 the writer presents the reality that no matter where I go the Lord is there and that he knows me completely. At the same time I know that I have the greatest gift of all in my free will. I have choices and they are really mine.

This week has been a reflective time. Marsha and I would have been married 46 years on this past Sunday. I didn't have anything going for me when Marsha and I got married. I had been sent home from college to grow up. I had a dead end job. I had no direction for my life. I had been asked to go to Florida by my old girlfriend and made the choice to stay with Marsha. She was my opposite in many ways. She had a plan for her life and was serious about her school work. She was intelligent with opinions about interesting things, quite different from others I had dated. I sometimes wonder what life would have been like if I had made a different choice. Perhaps God would have caught my attention on a different path, but I'm not sure. Perhaps I would have completed college without Marsha to push me with her desire for us to share a professional life, but I'm not sure. What I do know is that my choice to marry Marsha brought stability and direction to a rudderless ship. I can't imagine where the winds would have taken me without her, but a shipwreck is the only image that comes to mind. I can think of lots of choices in my life that had huge effects, but none compare with the blessings I received from choosing Marsha.

My Anniversary

Yesterday was my wedding anniversary. I say mine because the other half of the partnership is no longer here to live it. One of the anniversaries in my marriage that really stands out and effected even my day yesterday was my 21st anniversary. You see we were twenty when we married, and on that anniversary I realized I had been married longer than I was single. I had spent more of my life with Marsha than without her. It became that unusual kind of feeling like we just got married yesterday while also feeling like I had never lived without her. It does come to a place where your not quite sure what to do without that partnership. I'm glad we had settled here before Marsha got sick and passed away, because she is here in her things and in our home. I did not understand how hard it must have been for my mother to leave the place in Florida that she had shared with my dad. It must have been like walking away from him even though he had been gone many years. It was a sad day for me yesterday, even more striking than last year. Perhaps I expected it more last year so it didn't catch me unexpectedly. As I write it seems odd that the reality you live with day in and day out, that Marsha is no longer with me, can in a particular moment feel so new. It's as if the year of realizing Marsha's passing had not even happened and she was just gone now. How can that be? Life some times is puzzling. I had this thought during the early weeks after Marsha had passed away that it was like a strange perfume in the air. It was a mixture of happy and sad all at the same time. It is still the same.

Good Times

Yesterday was my day at the Masters Golf Tournament with my buddy Dave. Obviously I could not go to Augusta National without having a good time. The weather forecast made it seem that we would be washed out before the day was complete, but the rain never really came. A few drops here and a few drops there but not even enough to make my pants or shirt even damp. The golf course was remarkable and the golf was great. The golf however was only a small part of the good times. Dave and I had the long ride to and from Augusta to talk and the conversation was deep and meaningful. Dave and I often do not just pass time but rather speak of our latest spiritual discoveries and insights. It is very often interesting how God has been leading us down similar thought paths through different means. I love worship with the body of Christ but I like faith discussions almost as much and sometimes more. Indeed yesterday was a good time even on the road.

Golfing Mecca

Last spring I felt lucky to walk and play golf on the same fairways that Tiger played at Callaway Gardens in Georgia. I thought that was pretty close to the top of the ladder. Tomorrow I will be walking the grounds of the Augusta National Golf Course and watching the first day of the Master's Tournament. I can't think of anything in the world that can compare in the world of golf with the shrine which is Augusta National. Dave and I are both incredibly excited just to see the course let alone see the best golfers in the world trying to play it. I have watched for years as those best in the world battled through this immaculate beautiful golf course, and I will be watching the other days of the tournament this year. Once last fall I was traveling to Georgia and got off the highway just to ride by the outside of the facility. I know that many others think I'm nuts to have such excitement over something like a golf course or golf tournament. I can't compare it to a trip to Jerusalem which would be the absolute best, a true pilgrimage, but for a golfer this is as close as it gets in the secular world. Our pilgrimage to this golfing shrine will be awesome. I just know it will be awesome.

Pollen

I've got a friend who is really suffering with allergies these last couple of weeks. I went swimming in the ocean and for two days I had to swim out through this layer of floating yellow pollen that kind of clung to my skin. My just washed car needs another wash or a serious rain. We complain about pollen and yet without it plants could not reproduce and we would lack all of our food supple in no time. We eat plants for food and we eat animals that eat plants for food. Without reproducing plants the food supple would end. We have had a number of serious earthquakes recently and they are indeed tragic. If, however, the earth did not have a moveable crust the heat and pressure inside would eventually lead to an explosion of the earth. The same process, in an over simplified way, is the cause of mountain building. Elevation causes rivers and the deposit of sediments which eventually lead to oil and coal deposits which enabled our modern industrialized world. Often we ask the question why in so many different situations, because we are trapped in a small picture world ignoring a large picture Lord. Even in the details of our individual lives we get caught in the small picture of our day to day circumstances without seeing the big picture of eternity. We forget that God is good all the time; all the time God is good.

Slow Down

It is an amazing time for a priest as you go through Holy Week. Your goal is to do whatever is needed to help the congregation focus on the world changing events from the life of Jesus. What can happen however is that the busy week and the pressure of the important events make you miss much of the experience yourself. I have, along with many priests, ended Holy Week with a need to regenerate. I'm not the rector at the church here, and yet my sleep pattern was changed all week. I'm an eight to nine hours of sleep kind of guy, but all last week I was lucky to get six hours. I'm happy that I found some time to swim because I meditate in the ocean, but my spiritual focus is still reduced not increased in such a busy week. I look forward to this week when life slows down even though I'm busy again. A spiritual slow down is always helpful. It is a peculiarity for me that the spiritual life improves when our pace slows down while in other areas of life results improve when our energy increases. Time to smell the roses although they are hard to find 100 yards off shore at Myrtle Beach State Park.

Journey of the Disciple

Sometimes I wonder why I presume that because I decided to follow the risen Christ I am not subject to the same doubts and questions and fears that the original disciples faced. Today in the church year we sit between the death of Jesus on Good Friday and the resurrection celebration of Easter. Many times it is like a head long rush to get from one to the other. Meanwhile the disciples were hiding in the upper room for fear of meeting the same end as Jesus. It was not until the sighting of the resurrected Jesus until the disciples began to break that fear. I can't pretend that following the direction of Christ doesn't create fear in me. I may not fear death and be hiding in the upper room, but every time I pull back from a bold choice in favor of anxiety or remain quiet when I think others might reject me I am living in that same reality. I want to identify with the disciples and not avoid this uncomfortable time in the church year. The solution for the disciples was the risen Christ and Holy Spirit. All my fears if I recognize them and bring them to Jesus can be overcome as well.

Garden Time

My church, The Church of the Resurrection, holds a vigil in the courtyard which is an open air space in the middle of the building, from Maundy Thursday service until the noon service on Good Friday. We spend the time in prayer and meditation while taking turns saying with our lives that we can stay awake one hour with Christ on this fateful night. The hour I picked was 1:30 - 2:30 AM when everything is quiet and settled in the building. The Light of Christ candle was processed from the church to the garden at the end of the foot washing service and the stripping of the sanctuary of all the signs and symbols of Christ's presence. The whole courtyard is decorated with plants. Orchids, palms. lilies and a large assortment of other plants bring real beauty to the area. I was surprised as I knelt to pray before the angel and the Christ light that a little triangle of bunnies were just to the right in front of me. Everyone who knew Marsha must remember that she was the bunny lady. I still have a cabinet with many bunnies, some as small as 3/4 of an inch, and made of many different materials. Last night it was as if Marsha and I were praying the vigil together once I saw those bunnies. It felt like her spirit was right there with me, and made the hour even more powerful. The size and shape of the courtyard also remind me of the patio garden we had at the rectory in Taunton. Marsha and I spent many hours sitting together in the garden as the world swirled by just beyond the hedges. It was like a peaceful oasis in the middle of a busy world and we loved it. It is always remarkable when God uses the time you give for his service to create a wanted and often needed experience for your own life. I felt close to Christ as I prayed in the garden and was blessed with memories of Marsha that touched my heart. God is good all the time, all the time God is good.

Floating

Today was the first really great beach day here in MB. Temperature is about 78 and the sun is out without a cloud in the sky. I walked a good long distance on the beach and then went for a swim. The water was a little chilly getting in like the summer swim at Acadia National Park in Maine pictured to the left. Once I was in the water however I really enjoyed the swim. Once again I say swim when I really mean float. I might swim some but the objective is to get into a good place to just lay back and float. Marsha hated that rocking feeling. She could get sea sick with just a few minutes bouncing knee deep in the water near the shore. I, however, just love that rocking rolling feeling of lying back in the waves just beyond where they start to rise and become breakers. I love meditation as part of my life of prayer, and it is good no matter where, but the best is when I am just relaxed in the waves. It is Holy week and what a great time to get back into the water. What a preparation for the worship tonight and tomorrow and on into Easter. Thank You God your timing was perfect for me.