I've Been Missed

I arrived in Taunton as the next piece of my summer journey and I immediately began to see people who missed me. You know how touching it is to be missed. As we go through life, sometimes I think we feel as though if we disappeared it would make little if any difference to anybody. Ever had that feeling like you don't matter? I think most people would be missed far more than they ever imagined. This experience however is likely to be a flood of emotion if all the others I will be seeing act in a similar fashion. It touched the heart in a profound way to see that you impact your world. Maybe that sounds vain and that is not what I'm trying to convey. I guess I want you to know that you are priceless in God's eyes, and far more valuable to the other people around you than you could possibly guess. Wouldn't it be nice if we could show that appreciation freely when we are together without having to miss someone first? I don't care, the morning made me feel good. Maybe you can feel good realizing how much people would miss you.

Impatience

I had another experience of highway travel in America. I find it hard to believe the lack of patience you see in our people. The worst part is that it slows everybody down. From Richmond to Fredricksburg yesterday we had multiple stops and slow downs with no apparent cause. The highway could easily handle the volume of traffic but you have one person hit the brakes hard because someone has cut them off and you can just watch the brake lights go on and ther whole highway come to a screeching halt. After stop and go once again the speed would creep up until we were agin moving along well until the next time the brake light paralysis occurs. If people showed patience in ;if not just on the road but in life in general many logjams would be eliminated completely. Life would move evenly and in peace. The saying patience is a virtue is profound and yet I think too simple for people to take seriously. Patience however is a God lesson. We are meant to be imitators of Christ and how patient was God with me. i know I still test His patience. Patience is one of the lessons God insists we learn. If we don't we will continue to need it.

Home

It is so easy to relax at home. Home for me has been the place where I could most easily find peace in my soul. No matter which place I lived once I found a personal relationship with Jesus, that place was the source of my centering life in Christ. Peace comes from home because it is where I have the most control over organizing my time to be with God. It is the place where silence is found at daily scheduled times. In my last sermon I quoted Mother Theresa who wrote,

"The fruit of silence is prayer

The fruit of prayer is faith

The fruit of faith is love

The fruit of love is service

The fruit of service is peace"

It is in the silence of home that I begin my journey to peace in my soul. As I begin the summer of travel I know I must find silence on the road. I have said for years that in that silence I rarely hear God speak to me. I do however find that when I have that silence with my God, he speaks to me in so many ways later in the activities of my life. God provides what I need by directing my life as a result of my starting in silence. The silence is the tuning fork that helps me follow the notes of life and keep on pitch with God's will. It is that resonant vibration that becomes so clear it leads you, you know when you have become dissonant. Lord give me a special gift of discipline as I roam this summer that I will continue to find the silence with you.

Traveling

I head on the road tomorrow for a day trip and then quickly in a couple of days the big trip for the summer. I know the variety of experiences I have this summer will probably stimulate a great deal that I could write about, but I also know I'm not likely to have the time to blog like I have been. It is funny how the one who loved confusion has become rather settled in a life of routine, fun but routine, activities. It seems strange to be moving out into a life which will be very flexible at the core. Here I have a group of people and places that fit together and work well. Away I'm not sure what life will be like. I know the days will be different and although I will certainly enjoy the time with friends and family, I will also find it difficult when others, because they care, want to make plans for me. A friend here in Myrtle Beach calls life the divine adventure, I'm sure the next months will fit the bill.

My Cross to Bear

In the picture to the right Marsha is wearing a gold cross with her mothers wedding band. She wore a gold cross for years often under her blouse but sometimes visible like in the picture. She commented that she wore it in school every day and it surprised her how many of the young girls in her classes would start to wear a gold cross as well. She wore the wedding ring as a reminder to pray for her mom.

From those two realities of Marsha's life came my choice for today. You see I have worn crosses in the past. I wore my Cursillo cross for years but the base medal caused a rash on my neck so I had to give that up. Gold does not cause the same skin reaction. I decided I would take the gold from my wife's wedding ring and my wedding ring and have them melted and molded into a gold cross that I could wear. The cross will be a perpetual reminder of the love and marriage that filled my life for forty five years. I carry those memories with me and the love that will never end. This cross I bear, unlike the sacrificial cross of Christ, is a love filled token of my heart that will always belong to Marsha. The cross was also a central place of our meeting. We grew in love for each other in huge and powerful ways as our love of Christ grew in our hearts. We loved best when joined in the cross of Christ. She is my inspiration once again, the cross that touches my heart is there because of the cross she bore.

God's Time

Change of plans again. Does that sound familiar. I don't know about you but I am used to the way plans seem to change. We question why our plans are not fulfilled, as if we were in charge of everything and everyone. If I've learned anything in life it is that I'm not in control of everything, maybe not even controlling myself enough at times. Maybe it's easier for me because I'm a go with the flow kind of person, but often I see such frustration when life seems to be out of control. People are ill at ease when plans are broken and life is confused. Isn't that really the norm. What do we do when the car breaks, the job ends, our body hurts or fails, or people disappoint us. Life like old people is just full of unwanted wrinkles.

Trust in God exists in our response to those moments when life does not go as planned. Do we overreact? Do we panic? Do we pray for His answer or ours? Do we rest in the assurance that God is still in charge? We have an infinite spectrum of choices when life feels out of control. Trust in God should not make us inactive, rather it should make us keenly open to listening to God while we move through our life. All will be revealed in God's time.

This is the place where we really decide who is God. Does our life's response declare loudly that we know the living God is in charge, or does our life declare loudly that we think we are god and that we want to be in charge. Only one God is permissible in each life. Let me see, which god do I want today?

Stressless

I loved my work. I had the great blessing to be a school teacher, which I loved, and then an Episcopal priest that I loved even more. I don't know many people who have been able to spend their life doing what they love to do. I talk to people who struggle to go to work every day and hate every minute of what they do I can't imagine living through that kind of life.

I must say however that I have found the best job of all. You see I am now a retired Episcopal priest. As a priest, although I loved it, I was often breathless, but now I'm stressless. I get to pick and choose the involvement in the work I loved. I preach from time to time. I celebrate communion from time to time. I invest in areas of ministry that most interest me, but I don't have to stress over the whole spectrum of responsibilities. This is just what I wanted a stressless ministry. Although I don't get paid any money the salary can't be beat. God is good in the relationships and support I get, along with the knowledge that I am using those gifts God has given me, and still responding to God's call on my life. I think I could have found a stressless life, but it would have been inadequate without the opportunities to have purpose in my life as well. God is good all the time; all the time God is good.

Parenthood is that mystical endeavor that many of us experience but few of us understand. Today I'm thinking of tomorrow being Father's Day. To me it always seemed to be an after thought to Mother's Day. In pregnancy, birth and life children just seem to bring a greater demand on mothers than fathers. Mothers also take to heart the issues and problems of their children in a way fathers often miss. Fathers might be told to set the line for their children, but it is usually the mother who then lives with enforcing it. I'm not saying that I don't want any recognition for the role I played in my children's lives, but it pales in comparison to Marsha's contribution. So I will be happy tomorrow with the celebration that I have two great adult children and through them four wonderful grandchildren. I could not be happier to have the honor of being a father to this family, but I can't but think of the one who I miss. On Mother's Day I was away from home with Merrie and her family. I didn't have the solitude to grasp the reality that the real parent is no longer available to my children and their children.

Can anything good come from Nazareth

You could easily replace Nazareth with your own place. Maybe you would rather replace Nazareth with your own situation. It might be a lost relationship, or a personal disease, or an unexpected layoff. In my life one of my lowest points was the day I realized that my friends had returned to college when I had been told to go home and grow up. I can remember going to bed that night and crying desperately that I had ruined my life. I didn't admit to the existence of God then, but on that bed something in me pushed me to begin reading profound books that I had avoided. Something in me challenged me to really use the mind God had given me. A better me began to take shape that night. I am not saying that all situations are good. That would be an obvious error. I do mean to say that good is embedded as a possibility in any situation. Experience is a great teacher, and even if the learning was not helpful for me at the moment, it can be immensely beneficial to others who can learn from me later as I share what I learned. Jesus can redeem anything that happens to us if we offer it to Him. Always ask God to help you see the moment as He sees it. Look at every reality with a God's eye view. How can God use this moment for the benefit of your life of for the good of others? I know something good can always come from ________!!!

Grace upon grace

One of the puzzling aspects of life is the different ways people approach life. I would sit in clergy groups where the clergy did nothing but complain about the lay people they were saddled with in their parish. Everything was wrong and you would have thought they had the worst possible job in the world. I was depressed after leaving these groups even though I had the same job and I loved it. Some people only mention cloudy and rainy days as if the sun never shines on their lives. Stopping to smell the roses is impossible because they seem to never see the flowers to begin with only the weeds. Grace upon grace is poured out around them and they don't even see it. I spent a good part of my life like that. I approached life as drudgery and I was not disappointed, but I can't say life was really worth living either. I indulged myself in choices that mimicked happiness and even created a few fleeting minutes that might even be called happy. Now I'm so happy that I once was blind but now I see. Grace upon grace made the world visible. Grace upon grace made the same old new. Grace upon grace filled the mundane with meaning, and the meaningful with purpose. Grace upon grace changed everything and nothing. Same world same issues same problems but better solutions and greater possibilities. You see with grace life's a beach. Sorry, I know some of you an't stand sand.

Your tax dollars

I've been wading through the details of accounts and property transfers which are needed because of Marsha's death. Cars, death certificates, registrations, taxes, titles, and other governmental issues have all been part of my reality. We hear again and again the criticism of the governmental red tape and incompetence. I have found none of that in my process. Those in the governmental agency have given me clear direction and helpful service. The privately run hospitals and the privately owned insurance companies are another story. People say that companies that need to make a profit have to give good service and be efficient and competent are sadly mistaken. The death certificates were mishandled by both the funeral director and the doctor. Paper work had to be redone and I was held up over a month in the process. The hospital billing company has still not figured out the requirements of the medicare supplement insurance. I've found both companies stretching the truth and passing the buck while forcing me the make numerous phone calls. I don't even want to go into the conflicting doctors observations on the same day, or the inability to start a blood transfusion without the one resident competent nurse in the hospital. It's easy to blame those who are paid by tax dollars. Nobody likes to pay taxes, but fairness needs to look at the reality of our world.

Two Gold Rings

When Marsha's mother was losing her quality of life, she took her mother's wedding ring and wore it on a chain around her neck. You would see her touch the ring often and you knew she was praying for her mother. I was touched by this quite evident practice for keeping her mom so clearly in her mind and heart.

Marsha and I had simple gold wedding rings we put on when we married and never took off. These two rings have bound us together for forty five years. Often wedding rings are spoken of as links in a chain that bind the two people together. If Marsha and I were chained then it would be because the links in a chain make up a single unity, the chain. I have taken my wedding ring and Marsha's wedding ring to a jeweler friend. He is making a cross from the gold of these two rings which I will wear on a chain close to my heart.

Marsha used to tease me that when I was preaching I would often, at what seemed to be times of thought or listening to God, I would spin my wedding ring on my finger. I don't know why I did that but I found that I did the same thing at lots of moments when I was trying to discern God's will. Marsha had that kind of link in my spiritual journey.

I want the two rings with me. Also our lives together were blessed so much more when they became centered in our love for the Lord . We grew together as people and as husband and wife when Christ became the center of our love for each other. This cross will confirm our bond forever in Christ and my desire for Marsha to always be close to my heart.

Housekeeping

One of the new things in my life is the solitary responsibility for housekeeping. I did share in cleaning the house, but Marsha was the one who was clearly in charge. I did the dishes and meal cleanup and I vacuumed but the rest was under Marsha's control. Occasionally she would ask me to help with some other details but that was rare indeed. Now I see how diligent you need to be to keep a house clean and looking good.

It made me aware of how often we let things slide in the housecleaning of our lives. We let a little dust accumulate here and a little dirt penetrate there. We sweep one problem under the rug and ignore the next. Ultimately we create a greater problem, because whatever builds up makes clean up more difficult. Like in the house, routine cleaning makes the tasks easy and keeps the work from becoming intimidating or overwhelming. In our lives routine care for our difficult and challenging situations can make it easy to handle problems. We can lose our proper perspective on our identity by letting things go. We can feel depressed and overwhelmed by letting situations fester.

Self examination is the routine needed. Why do we neglect what is clearly in our best interest as if another solution has ever worked. Deal with life, deal with yourself. Your peace is too great a gift to lose, because of a lack of soul cleaning.

How do I know.

How do I know? You can't imagine how many times I have been asked that question. Believe me it is not because of things like the picture to the right. I'm happy that I graduated from seminary because it made it possible for me to be a priest and have so many people share their lives with me. I did learn some things during all of that education stuff I but not the answer for people who ask, "How do you know?" You see that question is most often asked when someone doesn't believe you could possibly know the answer. They ask that often when the issue relates to faith. I could certainly give people the theological answer and it wold be right, but would not be satisfactory for them unless they have faith. Faith is an experience which makes the answers make sense. Do you have someone you love? Prove it. Does someone love you? Prove it. Is there a friend you would completely trust? Why and are you sure? You see you only have your experience to know that someone loves you. Facts are not available, proof is not within your grasp and yet you know don't you. I know I love Marsha and she loves me but proof is not around. "Experience is the best teacher" is an old and wise saying. In the realm of faith and the realities of my Christian journey the answer comes from my personal undeniable experience, and although it is not a satisfactory answer for those who have not had the same experience, it is no less real. My son in the picture was a "Deadhead". He followed the Grateful Dead for a summer and experienced their concerts. I can see in him an experience that he can't explain to someone who hasn't been there. He can even play me their music and I can't grasp what I see in him. His experience creates this reality for him but not for me. So when people ask me "How do I know?" I just do.

Conversation

In my life I think I have most enjoyed my chance to get to know a lot of young children. I mean before the world teaches them to protect themselves. I mean the time when in their innocence they are curious and open. They say what is on their minds and they ask what they want to know. I could always look into their eyes and see the light and life and joy that seems to die as childhood goes on. I've had many conversations with such youngsters and I would smile in my heart. Somewhere along the road we come to the point where we modify what will say and what we will do based on our expectations of the response of others. We begin to program life around the desire to be accepted by some group of people with whom we are willing to conform our choices. We begin to falsely think that we are now safe and have friends. The problem comes internally. When we change our thoughts and actions to be accepted, then inside we are saying "they would not like the real me". We are surrounded by friends who we are sure don't really know us, and who we fear would reject the real us. I call that being lonely in a crowd. Popular without a true friend. God wants us comfortable in our own skin. One area that indicates this issue is our unwillingness to show others our faith. To tell others about our belief in Christ.

Remember only by sharing the real you and finding some folks who accept the real you will you ever have a true friend. Anything else fails to provide what God knows we need. Only then will the lights go on and our eyes look again like the eyes of children.

Travel

Today I went to AAA to cancel the insurance on the Ford Focus that is no longer registered in South Carolina. After doing what I needed to do I decided to seek some information about driving to the Outer banks of North Carolina. I man was coming in to share his excitement about his trip to Egypt and Jerusalem. Once again I was thinking about all the plans Marsha and I had for our future. We always wanted to go to the Holy Land. Don't put off until tomorrow what you can do today is not just advice for the hard work and disciple in accomplishing tasks, it is also a valuable piece of advice for the enjoyment of life.

Up

I have a young man I take care of one afternoon each week to give his grandparents a break. When a good movie for kids is released, that is one of our ways to fill the time. Today we went to see "Up". It was a fanciful movie about adventures missed and adventures lived. I didn't expect it to be a movie that would speak to my life. One main character promises a life of adventure to a young girl friend and as the movie progresses they marry and face disappointments and challenges that keep them from the big adventure they had planned. Ellie the wife dies and the old man finally heads off for the adventure in a rather fanciful way with a young boy looking to get a badge for helping the elderly along as a stowaway. The old man is constantly looking to fulfill the adventure he thinks his wife would want completed. In the end he reads her adventure book, that he thinks she was never able to complete, only to find that it is full of all the memories that they lived together during their lives. At the end she had written thank you for the adventure now go have a new one. Love, Ellie. Tomorrow is my Marsha's birthday and the pictures of their growing old together, Ellie's death and the adventure book with the note at the end, helped me grieve my loss. It is so amazing how the most important pieces of my facing my loss come in such surprising ways. This was not a kids movie for me, it was a connection to my present life events and my future hope. God had me in mind when I planned a nice day for Jake. The Lord is amazing all the time, all the time the Lord is amazing.

Storms

This appears to be the season of thunder storms in Myrtle Beach. I played golf this morning and had a great day, but this week wisdom made me cut to rounds short when the sky turned black and thunder started to roll around the sky. It is interesting that on both days we had no need to leave the golf course because the storm clouds passed by without even a few drops of rain. Often in my life I have been worried or even frightened by the storm clouds of life. Events that seemed beyond my control would take on threatening power. Those clouds usually passed without significant impact as well. We have a great built in capacity to overcome even the greatest of storms. A stormy day even makes our sunny days seem even more spectacular. Jesus calmed the storm on the sea, he walked on the water even when the waves made Peter shake, he breathed peace on the disciples and promised peace to us that passes all understanding, and that will help us handle anything this world can bring our way. 

It's tempting

It's tempting to focus our life outward. We often look for happiness outside ourselves and we often feel that we would find happiness in the right relationship or the perfect job or with better health. At the same time, or alternating with this search, we often blame others for our lack of happiness. It's the boss or the wife or the kids or the government or even fate or God that cause our distress. Isn't it tempting. 

How easily we surrender control or responsibility for our own lives. I think we take the easy way out, and in the process condemn ourselves to continue on the path of unhappiness. Why do we think life should not contain sadness, acting as if it is a deadly disease. I was told by a friend to embrace my grief at the loss of Marsha and the words sounded peculiar, and yet, as I do it, I find a comfort and a strength. I own my choices in response to my new reality. If I take control of my life in this moment, which is really all I can control, I will find the joy of living. Even appropriate sadness, which will occur, gives me direction for my life.

Jesus was tempted just like we are and did not sin. He did not give over control of life. A favorite song of mine has the following words which come from scripture, "Consider it joy pure joy when troubles come, many trials will make you strong." I know I didn't appreciate enough the great gift I lived with every day until she was sick and then missing. But the joy comes in now I see the beauty of that relationship so clearly and the many strengths it brought to my life. That is where I find the joy. "All things work for the good for those who believe." Not that all things are good but they work for our good if we don't succumb to this natural temptation to blame outside sources for the realities of our life. Today what will I do with this moment. My happiness is in my grasp.  

Fishing

My son loves fishing. The picture to the right is a picture of some of the salmon he caught last summer in Alaska. Recently he caught 31 land locked salmon in one trip in Maine. Fishing is a good analogy for life. We practice our skills in many different forms. Because we are relational at our core we fish in a sense for people all the time. We desire relationships. Some might be friendships, some romance or deep life long love, some spiritual or related to our work, but unless we are very unusual, we need relationships. It is interesting that our Lord calls us to be fishers of people as well. Some things are true in all fishing. 1) You want to fish where fish are known to hang out. Fishing in the Dead Sea or the Great Salt Lake would not be very productive. 2) You need to have the right equipment. Fishermen use hooks and poles and line and reels. It would not be wise to fish for giant tuna with freshwater spinning reels and poles, or trying to catch a trout with a fish hook with no barb. 3) Fishing doesn't work without the right bait. At times fishermen need the exact flies that resemble the bugs that are hatching at that moment. So it is with our fishing for people. It doesn't matter if it is for friendship, for love or for the Lord, we are already fishing. We need to spend time in the places where we will find the kind of fish we want to catch. We need to realize that God has made us with all the right stuff. We are perfectly and wonderfully made. Like the fishing pole and the line we are the perfect design for the job. Can we have confidence in who we are. Can we see that we will find the right relationships if we accept we are what God planned us to be. We also need to use the bait, the personality and talents God gave us.

This afternoon I was part of a great fishing expedition. I watched a man ask three workers in a restaurant,  "How can I pray for you today?". The results were amazing. They not only had things to submit to prayer but welcomed the request and the faith dialogue that followed including an invitation to join a faith community. Confidence in all that God created him to be allowed this dynamic fishing for people to happen. I learned to be much clearer about my identity in all my relationships, but also as I fish for my Lord's great catch.

Planning

Tonight and tomorrow night I will be participating in planning meetings at the church. We will be working with the new rector in seeking the Lord's plan and a method to achieve the plan for the future of the parish.  I am happy to be part of this process but it is interesting.

At the end of my final sermon, when Marsha and I left St. Thomas Church in Taunton, my wife had an offering as well. She asked me to play a song from the play "Wicked" sung by Sandi Patti called "For Good". It starts with a line about people coming into our lives for us to learn things we need to learn. I think Marsha was the greatest example of that in my life although others are in the list as well. Marsha was a planner, a list person, an organized individual who didn't particularly like surprises. I'm the opposite, moving at a whim or flowing with the Spirit, loving spontaneous life, change at a moments notice that's me. If we were leaving on a trip Marsha would have her clothes laid out in piles for weeks in advance and her list of what she needed to do, while I would throw things together at the last minute. We created a balance for one another once we stopped trying to change each other. It is so easy to think that our way of functioning is the only way to function or even the best way to function. Once we accepted that my style had it's value and Marsha's style had it's value, life worked better. Once we acknowledged that we needed the strengths of the other our life really improved. 

On my own today I need to recognize that one of my greatest assets is no longer available. What Marsha brought to me I need to take care of in a different way. I hope she was brought into my life so I could learn some things I need to do for myself now.

The picture is from our wedding 45 years ago. Boy did we change as life went on, and I think for good.

Birthdays

Today is my birthday not that that in itself is a big deal. Marsha and I were born eight days apart, I being the elder of the two of us. Our lives were close like that. Our birthdays were almost symbolic for the way our lives went. Having met in college where our last names put almost side by side in most classes, to teaching together some of the years in classrooms next door to one another, to our faith journey and the understanding of service to the Lord that we shared, our lives just seemed to move in tandem. This day seems very funny not looking ahead to Marsha's birthday next week. It is a day that makes real in another way the departure that has taken place. Our paths have parted for now. We are on separate paths together. I say together because we both still travel with the Lord, and that means together.  We did everything together. Marsha used to joke that they knew me in every fabric store in Massachusetts, and many said they would hire me if I wanted a job because I would fold the bolts of cloth and return them to their proper places after they cut what Marsha wanted. So much has changed and yet I know we still walk together and we still share our love for one another and our love for our family and friends and our love for the Lord. I can still see her smile as I experience events in clock time that she experiences in a different dimension. I can even hear her singing Happy Birthday to me today. She always made that special and filled with cheer and laughter. Sing it baby nobody else can do it justice my love.

Generations

I love being a dad, a granddad and a great granddad. I have an elder brother and my mother is still alive and well and so as I approach my 66th birthday tomorrow I am not the elder of my family and yet I do have a greatgrandson. It doesn't make me feel old as I have heard said by others. I have lived my life and I know how old I am and it has nothing to do with the age of my children or other offspring. Especially with the death of Marsha, my wife, I know each day I'm one day closer to my departure from this life. I rather focus on what we pass on, not necessarily through genetics although that can be part of it, but what seems to pass down as copied behavior, and at other times avoidance of copied behavior. I have watched families accept and reject patterns of life choice as I have talked with them about their lives. Some rebellion has been for the good and some not so helpful. Some copied family patterns have been hurtful and yet go unnoticed by the next generation that chooses to follow the pattern. At other times I have seen accepted family patterns be very positive. I wonder how objective I can be in even assessing my own choices or the choices of my family. All I know is I want my family to take the best from me and reject the worst. I want following generations to do better at living life than I did. I want my greatgrandson  to avoid the pitfalls of we who led the way. I want my children and their families to  find a path to a wonderful life. I pray that God will help me, will help us, to help those who follow us. I know I can't help them without God's help. Oh by the way the two handsome devils in the picture are my grandson and my greatgrandson.