Traditions

Recently my granddaughter Bekah graduated from the University of Georgia. A tradition at UGA says that if you walk through the arches pictured to the right before you graduate, you will never graduate. It was interesting how the graduates were lined up for photos as they graduated and took their first stroll through the forbidden arches. I had a brother-in-law who was dating and eventually married a woman whose tradition was to prepare or have prepared, I'm not sure which, a birthday cake where the interior was made of hay and horse poop. Our family was not impressed with this tradition. Food was never a joke with us. I wonder how many traditions we have in our lives that we honor. Today was Pentecost and the tradition is to wear red to symbolize the fire of the Holy Spirit. Like many traditions I wonder how many people follow the tradition without grasping the meaning of the tradition. I wonder how many wore red today that have nothing but questions about this mysterious person of the trinity. Like many things in life traditions can be lived without thought or reason, and sometimes we are the losers as a result. Some traditions are important you know. Pentecost is of immense value for those who live the experience and invite the presence of God's Spirit. Truly we can live as traditional Christians and have God always with us.

The Beach

Went to the beach again today. It's not like this is an unusual activity for me, but today was different. About a month and a half ago  I released Marsha's ashes where she wanted them in the water at the beach. Today was the first day I was able to just go out and float as I so often love to do. I just lay back and enter into a gentle rolling float that is awesome relaxation. I thought of Marsha today as I floated in the ocean. I thought of eternity with her and with God as I was tanning in the sand. I always said that a lifetime of difficulty is like one grain of sand on the beach compared to eternity with God in perfection. I walked the beach filled with people enjoying the warmth and beauty of creation. Families spending time together more connected than in most of their lives. Other than being with the people of God in worship, nothing on earth makes me feel closer to God and more able to fathom life than time at the beach. Marsha used to joke that when I was floating out there floating a pelican was going to land on my belly as I bobbed in the water.  I still laugh at that image, just one more reason to love that beach.

The Wedding Dance

One of my friends on Facebook posted a connection to a YouTube video of a couple dancing at their wedding. It is pretty great. They certainly prepared for the event. The guy looks to big for the moves he makes and yet is very agile and competent. I really loved the wedding Dance of my nephew Will and his wife Chrissy. They just seemed to have such a great time at their wedding reception and the dance was part of it. Marsha and I had a church wedding but the reception was just family at Marsha's family home. No dance. Sometimes I think the receptions last longer than the happiness of the marriages. Now perhaps longer than the wedding dance. Is marriage just another self-serving pursuit of happiness or a real desire to create homes that sustain both parents and children. I'm a fun loving guy and I hope and pray that this young couple put as much effort day in and day out to their marriage that was shown in preparing for that dance. I hope our society will make a commitment to their marriages and families. I know I would not be the person I am today if I had quit on my marriage when times were tough. If my wife of 45 years Marsha was still alive the dance would still be going on. We were more in step with one another than ever and life had more joy than ever, not because of where we started but because of how we completed the journey.

Wanting

Wanting is a state of mind that devours more than the legendary TRex. Open your eyes in almost any American scene and you see something you want. Wanting is an itch that is impossible to completely scratch. We have no calomine lotion for the itch of wanting. When we get what we want we simply change the list. In fact the needs on the list often becomes bigger and the list longer. Even though much of what we want becomes uninteresting shortly after we acquire it.   I have been wondering for days if I was as good for Marsha as she was for me. I look at my life and see her generosity of spirit. She gave and gave and gave some more. Although our relationship grew and became better and better, as I look back now, I didn't truly appreciate that she was the greatest mother, lover, companion and friend any husband could ask for. She did things out of love for me that I know were really rough for her, given her life story, and she did it all for loves sake. I wanted for nothing and didn't appreciate that I had everything. Wanting blinded me to the true beauty in my life. I hope and pray that she could say the same. Sometimes I wondered if she really loved me. I bet she wondered if I really loved her. I wanted more because satisfaction is not easy. Marsha I did love you, and I do. The more I think about you and our life the more I want you to know that. It's time to look at wanting differently not just in my grief about what's past, but because you were God's gift and I partly missed it. I don't want to miss God's gifts any more.

Here We Go Again

I got up again. My day followed its normal start one thing leading to another. Some of them are beyond choice and some seem beyond choice like coffee. However I do believe in the midst of routine we do have choice much more than chance. We have decisions much more than routine. I'm guilty of declaring that its the same old same old, but even that is a choice. I can choose to succumb to this ritualistic path or take control of my life. What is the great problem with accepting more responsibility for our own life. God gave me free will and I use it even when I seem to choose a rut rather than a road, a pattern rather than a path. May I not give up the privilege of being truly free, truly human by abdicating my responsibility to use the moment instead of embracing monotony. So here I go again, another day, another chance. Let there be life. 

Unexpected Places

We go through life and we find things in unexpected places. I was traveling around the Athens area of Georgia yesterday and came upon a sign to view an historic covered bridge. I always thought of  a covered bridge a a northern phenomena to keep foul winter weather consequences off a river crossing. Snow and ice are dangerous for wagons crossing rivers in winter, but here in this area of Georgia it seemed like a big expense for little risk.

It made me think about those moments when circumstance or situations bring about an unexpected impact. A couple of weeks ago I was prompted to view a music video of the song "Stand By ME". It starts with one street musician and leads to a worldwide collaboration of street musicians. By the end the impact is emotional for many of us in a way that is unexpected. Google Stand by me street musicians and maybe you can view it as well.

Another example for me happens when I pray. I have asked God to help me through this time of grief after the passing of my beloved Marsha. I was thinking strength and courage when I prayed, but God has surprised me again. Recently I used My cable box recording capability to record "Good Will Hunting". I was a very smart underachieving wild man in my youth and the Matt Damon character always hit me as a reflection of my journey and the good that Marsha did for my life. I watched the movie expecting this impact again, but was surprised that it was the Robin Williams character that spoke to me. Remember he lost his wife to cancer and had put his life in a holding pattern. As a therapist he was challenged by the Matt Damon character about choosing to live as if life was over. He said he did not regret a single minute of his life with his wife and I started to cry. In the end he left for a trip and said he was putting his chips back on the table and see what happens. I found my own questioning and future in this movie but in an unexpected way. God was answering my prayer with an experience necessary for my wholeness, but not in the ways I would have planned. I pray I may remain open to the unexpected works of God. He sneaks in in the most beautiful ways. Keep it coming Lord.

Dogs

I'm dog sitting this week. Three little ankle nippers at my granddaughters house. When I was a kid I had dogs. I was so close to one of them that when he died I stayed home from school for days. I don't know what happened but I don't find them cute any more. I get up in the middle of the night and the minute my feet hit the floor three barking animals surround me and follow me at every step. I like my quiet time and my meditation and prayer time is first in my life. It is hard when three little faces are looking at you begging to jump in your lap. It does go to show how much I love my grandchildren. I would do anything in my power to help them. They have been one of the greatest gifts God has ever given me. I know my wife Marsha felt the same. Her heart would leap and her infectious smile would blossom at the mere sound of their voices. How can such grown up mature individuals be so easily manipulated by others? If you have never been a grandparent you may never know, but if you have grandchildren your probably not surprised.  For them I'll even let my life go to the dogs. 

The Love Key

At church yesterday the passages were centered on our need to love one another. Jesus even said love your enemies. Love clearly is the center of the gospel of Jesus Christ. I think even when confronted with the requirement to love our enemies we reduce love to a simple warm and fuzzy feeling. We see the challenge as living out a simple human challenge. I tried for years to love better. I tried to open my heart to others more readily and I did it when it was easy. The frustration came when the others did something that I didn't like or that hurt me. In those moments my protective shell would go up and I would hold back or refuse to love at all. Jesus does not mean this kind of love. To love the unloveable is the work of God. He loves me and believe me at times I am unloveable. At times I disappoint him and fail to live up to the hope he has in us. It is this love he wants us to show the world, but we must first recognize the source of this love and the promise of its constant supply.

When love is tough that is when I must rely on the Holy Spirit that he has given. God lives in me and will love through me if I turn over my will to this indwelling God. This love is agape love. Love without strings attached. Not love that gives tit for tat, but love that always seeks the good for others. I wish I had loved my Marsha like that in our early years. So much of life and parenting would have been easier and better. My example to my family would have helped greatly in raising children. My family would have avoided many difficult struggles. 

Marsha and I came to realize some of the power of this love as our life together went on. What a great gift our life has been together since we learned not only to love with our human hearts, but also with God's indwelling spirit. 

Would God command us to do the impossible? No!! He gives us the power that makes it all possible. Love one another as I have loved you. No greater loves exists than to lay down your life for a friend. You are my friends if you do what I command. Submit your life to him. Let His love flow through you. 

Golf As Life

I played golf again yesterday. I played the other of the two courses at Calloway Gardens. I had a great day on Tuesday and although I'm not a great golfer by any means I thought, "Boy my game is coming together. I was able with tight fairways to keep the ball in the fairway and make consistent shots. The course is long so I had to hit a number of long fairway woods and I was flawless. The greens were tricky and tough and not having played this course before I made a number of miscues, but I really was positive about my game. Yesterday was another story. The course was supposed to be easier and to a certain extent it was, but the golf game I thought was coming together came apart. I was a different player. After my tee shot I was all over the place and although the end score was the same as Tuesday, I don't know how. It seemed like a terrible day and that all I thought I had learned seemed unlearned.

Isn't that like life. I think I'm the same guy from day to day. My body looks the same. In the mirror I seem to be Dana, but I can change as swiftly as New England weather. It might be uncontrolled events like a sudden breeze on the golf course, but usually it is my attitude or my reaction. Marsha spent a year working on a New Years resolution to maintain an attitude of gratitude and remarked how elusive it was. I often think that I finally get it and God can depend on me, only to find I slip back into old patterns and behaviors. I hope that I have progressed some through the years and I actually know that I have. Like golf however I get trapped into thinking I have it all figured out only to have my hopes dashed in the next event. One area of growth however is that I don't get as frustrated and down on myself as I used to either in golf or life. I just pick up the pieces and try to figure out what is next. With my golf game it doesn't matter if I ever figure it out, but in God's plan for my life I pray for guidance, strength, inspiration, courage and all the other needed ingredients in finding the recipe for life in His grace. 

Is It Right to be Proud

I have always had a difficulty saying I'm proud of my kids and grandkids. I am proud mind you but I often feel that implies I had something to do with their accomplishments. I love to see them succeed and they do indeed succeed. My son and daughter are both exceptional teachers and have a powerful impact on the lives of young people. Both have been recognized for their skill and effort. Marsha (my deceased wife) and I were both school teachers before I left education to become an Episcopal priest. I know what it takes to teach and my wife was the best I ever worked with. But should I feel proud because my children are great teachers. Even my grandchildren have done things with their lives that are outstanding and awe inspiring. 

I think for me I can be happy for them and happy for me because I see such wonderful things in their lives, but the proud thing confuses me. I know God wants me to be happy and I'm sure he knows what will make me happy. I do know with my flawed use of my free will that I make choices which are not the best for me or for others. I can see God happy when I choose his path for my life, but I can't see him proud of me.

Maybe it is just semantics, but I don't think so. I think we get so rapped up in other people lives that we begin to own their results with horrifying consequences for us and them. I feel like a failure when they don't meet my expectations. If I can own their achievements then I see myself responsible for their failures as well. But more importantly I can rob them of the deep fulfillment that can come from choosing their own path and finding success. They can feel like they are only achieving what will meet my expectations and that is not the freedom in life God intends for us. Sure I can be happy or sad or frustrated or any number of other things if I love someone and see the results of their choices, but my feelings might not be anything like theirs. 

For many years God let me go my way apart from him. He was probably very sad at my life experiences and choices, but he let me come to him in my own time and way. He sent messengers into my life but many I ignored. God smiled and had a party in heaven when I finally got it. He loved me enough to let me be my own person until I realized the best me chooses to walk in God's plan and purpose. 

I love my family that way I hope. Encouraging, supporting, sometimes enabling, but not controlling. Loving and smiling when they choose the best and do well, and yet feeling sad or some other difficult emotion when their life is not going well Encountering their reality without judging and without imposing my life on them. They need to be appropriately proud when they are on the right path and I need to smile and enjoy the moment. It's not my moment, but I've been smiling very often lately.

Why Blog

I have not been part of the blogging world, but reading Chrissy Roberts Two Ring Circus has inspired me to give it a try. I think I'm going to do what the name implies and that is ramble on, as a retired Episcopal priest might do, about life and living as a Christian dealing with reality. 

My reality is facing a new life that calls me to adjust my thinking, my feeling and my actions all at the same time. It is not easy for someone over sixty to have life turned upside down. I recently retired which for workaholic is no small feat, but in short order I also lost my wife and best friend of forty five years, Marsha. I say I lost her but I still carry her voice in my head and the memories of so many times and places and circumstances. I know I can't live there in the past, but I like to visit while I figure out what's next. I have told so many people through the years that all we have is the present moment. This moment only not the past and not the future. I hope I can find a way to live out my own words. If I have anything to say that is of value to anyone else, then maybe God will lead them to this place from time to time, but I have a feeling this might be more for me than for anyone else. Today they call this public version of writing a blog. I have many times engaged in journalling for my own spiritual growth and nurture, and I think this blog might have some of that nature to it as life pokes me in one direction or another. I might be pondering the presence of God in the midst of some confusion or decision. I might be looking at a world issue through the lens of my faith, but I will try to write with integrity about my understanding of this journey we're on together.

I think that is enough of an introduction to my plan. That's all that my head can hold at the moment so that's it for now.