Golf Lessons

I started playing golf when I was still in high school and was fortunate enough that I had a boss at my restaurant summer job who paid for me to take lessons. He loved golf but worked seven days a week during the season when this terrific teacher was available. He paid for me to take lessons and then come to work and show him what I had learned. It worked for me, but I'm not sure about him. I became a pretty good golfer at that time. The golf lessons of which I speak today are not about becoming a pretty good golfer. Many people look at golf as a stupid game. You walk around a field (if your lucky enough to avoid the woods) and chase a white ball to hit again until it goes in a cup in the ground. You pay good money to do this and some people can't understand why. Well it's outdoors and the outdoors is better most of the time than indoors as far as I'm concerned. You look at God's creation and you see the good the bad and the ugly. Green plush grass with intricate hole shapes and designs. The greens can be pretty and the contours interesting, mixed with sand traps that can be pretty and pretty nasty, and always a few bugs to fly around your head and bite from time to time. Add heat and cold and wind and your day changes with the air around you. You must adapt to play golf. The same thing will not work every day. Some people say golf is the most frustrating of games and it can be. What I do great today can be my greatest weakness tomorrow and I won't know why. I think that is the greatest golf lesson. Perfection is not possible. I've learned to role with the punches and take each day as it comes. I always try to do my best but I always have ups and downs and inconsistencies. I can be frustrated if I want or I can take it as it is while always striving to do my best. At the same time I always want to be content to be playing the game even when I am doing poorly.

For me this was what was so applicable to life. I know what God expects of me and believe me I try to live up to those expectations. I used to get so mad at myself when I would fall short. Failures, especially with Marsha, hurt me and I know hurt her, yet from time to time I would fall short and do the very things I had tried so hard to improve and eliminate from my behavior. I would get so frustrated with myself but most often I was not nice to her even when I knew I had failed again. I'm better in any number of ways now. I have improved many weaknesses through trial and error, but also I accept that failure could happen and when it does I just move on. I don't get defensive like I did when I thought I should be perfect. I'm not as frustrated. I just try again and continue on. I can admit when I've dome something poorly and even laugh about it. All these things I started learning on a golf course trying to get a little white ball in a small hole while walking around in God's creation getting exercise. People say I must be getting really good at golf as I play quite a bit these days, but I'm not getting much better. I am getting better at life though and that's more important to everyone.

Persistence

For years there has been a piece of ledge sticking up in my son's driveway. It was high enough to catch the oil plan on a car going out that side of the circular drive even on our van. I decided it was time for it to go. I bought a grub ax with a pick ax on the other end, and my son had a maul for splitting wood with a sledge hammer end. I began by picking around the edges with the pointed end and then began to attack the rock. At first it seemed like each strike just bounced off with no effect. Some of the weaker edges moved but the rock seemed unmovable. Over two days I kept hitting the rock and slowly cracks began to appear and then major fractures and then the rock was gone at least well below ground level. I used the pieces of rock to fill in other areas where fill was needed and now we don't have to worry about the obstacle in the driveway. I could have quit and seen the rock as impossible when the first strikes bounced off but I knew they were having an effect even when I could not see the result. I had faith that the accumulation of hammer strikes would eventually eliminate the obstacle.

I don't know how many people including myself that I have told to attack a problem one little piece at a time. So often people sitting in my office would see the whole spectrum of life issues in front of them and be paralyzed by the sight. They act as if the rock could be splintered by one swing. I would say what little piece can you handle today. Then what little piece can you handle tomorrow and so forth. That's like knowing that each strike with the hammer was having a positive impact even if not seen. Being overwhelmed helps to accomplish nothing. Accomplishing something reduces the burden even if at the moment that little piece seems inconsequential. Persistence solves problems. Even our faith journey is a matter of persistence. I often point to the word seek used in scripture because in the original languages it means something like a well worn path. Seek means a well worn path like the bald path in my parents yard that we kids always took to our friends house. We think it means I seek now and it's all done now, but God means be persistent in your relationship with me and everything else will take care of itself.

Especially at times of rapid change in our lives we look for the quick fix. We are often too impatient to wait on the Lord or to attack the situation with little persistent choices. I broke the rock in my sons yard, but the eternal rock is my resting place and my persistent help in all my times of trouble.

Trust and Safety

Marsha loved babies. If a baby was around she would smile at the child even when she didn't know the parents. Sometimes this created strange protective looks in the eyes of the parents. When she could hold a baby it was always a treat for her and she would hold the baby until forever if allowed. What is it about babies that is so attractive to people. Women I think are more natural nurturers and so that is one easy answer, but I think it is more than that. Babies are so trusting, they have not yet learned to fear. They relax in your arms and cuddle because they sense no danger. I think holding a child also has a feeling of safety. This is one who can't hurt me. They give a warmth we desire and without creating any fear except that we might hurt them. Along the way we lose that innocence and that trust. We want our own way and we see that it hurts others and we see they hurt us as they seek their own way. We know that trusting others makes life better but our experience says no. One thing I know when fear dictates my life I lose. I lose peace. I lose love. I lose enjoyment. I lose any sense of safety. I feel isolated and alone. Fear has been a driving force in our individual lives, in our countries life and we are not better off making our choices based on fear. Trusting God has changed all that for me. If God has my future in his hands then nothing this world can do to me changes anything. I can trust people and let what happens happen. I could get hurt, but it has not been the outcome in my experience. Marsha's service was a symbol of what a trusting life creates. So fear out, trust in what do you say!! What's the famous saying, "We have nothing to fear but fear itself."

Inspired And Corrected

I've had many experiences when I knew exactly what God wanted me to do or say. Often amid the messiness of the day God would speak clearly in my mind and tell me where to go. Stop that I know many of you wanted to tell me where to go. I knew it was God because what I was told to do was godly or conforming with God's nature and yet not what I had planned or had in mind (foreign to my present thinking). When I did it I would find the reason and so often I would be humbled by God's wisdom. Even the method I use to preach came to me in such a conversation with God on the way to a church one Sunday to preach. I was still a lay person then. I know this inspiration will always continue if I am willing to listen and follow.

Correction is another matter. You see God corrected me through Marsha. She was God's voice when I was off track. Marsha would tell me what God thought about many things I was planning. Many times when I was stalled or stalling she sensed what God was saying to me about the situation and her voice directed me. Many other times when I had missed something or made an error God would show me through Marsha's voice. Many of God's ideas came from Marsha's voice and I didn't even tell her (no sense in getting her all puffed up). How does that happen now is the question? Will I go rushing off in some direction missing the turn God planned for me to take without God's correcting voice coming from my love. It took me a long time to trust someone so much that God could speak to me through her. I would listen for God to speak through her because he did it so often and it so helpful. How will God correct me now? I'm not looking for volunteers I think it has to be by God making the appointment. I am praying that he still finds a way to correct me though.

Loving Life

I love life. Maybe not all of it, but I love life. What's so bad about that? I was standing next to my friends at the pond in Rochester NH when I took the picture above. It was a beautiful sky on a beautiful night spent with wonderful people in a relaxed and friendly environment. What's not to love about a life like that? I have been loving life, but it's strange to then suddenly get the feeling like I'm not supposed to be. All of a sudden it can feel like I'm being awful to Marsha if I love life. I've always had this difficulty with guilt. I used to tell Marsha, especially when she wanted me to find some, that I don't do guilt. I have seen guilt as an enemy. I read that if you are guilty get rid of it by changing, if you're not really guilty forget it, only the evil one wants you to wallow in false guilt. But guilt creeps up on us and reminds us of the temptation to stop living in the freedom God desires for us. In the case I mentioned concerning Marsha, I'm not guilty. Forget it I say, but when I'm having some fun the thought returns. Does my love of life reduce my love of Marsha? No!!! What would Marsha want for me? A full life!!! How can I mix loving life with my very real grief? Puzzling question that one. I only know that life goes on with tears and smiles with joy and sorrow and with grief and the love of living and that's OK with me, and I know with Marsha too!!!

Marsha Always Said

My wife had a way about looking at life that I found interesting at times, wise at other times and frustrating on certain other occasions. The fun part is that now I carry the voice in my head. The frustrating parts I can ignore although I must admit ignoring is with some difficulty. I frequently use the example that at home I can't leave the house without making the bed. I might start to do it but the voice in my head calls out Dana not yet honey. I have to go back and make the bed. Well maybe once or twice I have slipped up in a hurry. The voice in my head is not a bad thing, it acyually feels good to remember how well she cared for me and our home. Some of them involve her outlook on life. Marsha always said that bad weather was God's way of saying slow down. If that's the case New England must be in severe need of a nap. It has been one of those times when outdoor activity is limited by the continual threat of rain or it's actual falling. I was playing golf the other day and one of the guys was questioning if we would be able to complete the round and I said as Marsha might not to worry that God was only sweating not crying. The other guy said that for most of the summer he must have been wailing. I don't know that God is that involved in our current events and daily weather report but Marsha's sayings usually hold some validity. Indeed weather can slow us down and after being in the South where living is slower I think New England might need a nap, or at least a slow down. What's that Marsha what are you saying now. Oh for heavens sake.

Good Morning World

I'm not on my computer so you have to imagine a picture of a sunrise with a few wispy clouds and a beautiful glow in the sky. I love mornings. I once hated mornings, but when I was a married college student with a young child I would go to bed at 8 PM and get up to study at 3 AM in the absolute silence of the house. I began to realize the gift of silence even before I would have ever prayed. This time of day just feeds me. The whole day takes on a different tone when I get out of bed late or have to move quickly even when I get up early. Settling in the quiet soothes my soul. It's foolish to think that God is more available in the morning than at other times, but it feels that way to me. I just love to meditate and contemplate and vegetate in this peaceful time. Life seems clear in the morning. Issues get a plan, maybe not a good one but a plan. Things sort out often with God's gentle voice other times through my own intellect and experience, but the day starts with order. In so many ways I have been a lucky man. Who would have thought that a sacrifice made so I could have some family time and a quiet space for study would give a gift for life. Today shapes up to be a wonderful day. The forcast is friends. God bless this day with my clear vision of your presence in every moment. Go with me, we'll enjoy this one.

Bless You

One of the great gifts to come from my loss has been my personal recognition of how generous God has been in blessing my life. I'm 66 now and early on I definitely thought that was ancient. What amazes me is how I missed the great blessings of my life throughout those years. In reflecting on my life, particularly with Marsha, I have become increasingly aware of the great life I have had. I've spoken the last couple of days about why I missed so much and I think it comes from the fact that although we think we're content, inside we always want more or a better or a new something. Satisfaction is a missing commodity in human nature even when we think we are satisfied. I would have said I was content and satisfied with my life, but when I look at how many blessings I missed in my life with Marsha or how many blessings I under valued, I am shocked. I love Marsha and we spent so much of our lives together with such mutually held values and committments that I don't have any other explanation for why I overlooked the many blessings I had. I'm not writing this beacause I want to focus on what I missed, that will do me no good at all, but I don't want to continue missing the blessings that are all around me. God continues to be good to me, surrounding me with people and opportunities that are rich treasures for my life today. I always thought I was a thankful person, but my eyes have been opened and I want my life to be a lot more appreciative. Thank you God today, you are the greatest blessing of them all.

Suitcase Living

I am mobile again. This time I have only two real housing stops although my travel to see folks will be considerable. I am getting used to this here today gone tomorrow lifestyle. I can't say I want it to continue forever, but It is good to spend time with folks that I want to see and need to see. Life at times is just too fast. Maybe I feel connected to too many people because the time is not sufficient to spend time with everyone. I know i will still need to make at least one more trip to Massachusetts after this one to even begin to find and end to my list. God is so good that my problem is too many people I love and who love me back. The church has created a community of friends that never ceases to amaze me with their love and care. I know how many people feel isolated in this world and lack the kind of community that I share with so many of you who read this. I think community is one of the greatest needs in our fractured world. Our lives draw us so many different directions at such a pace that extra time is often spent in collapse mode. But collapse mode often still leaves a lingering need. I think we realize the need most because when we were young and teenagers or in college the environment created something of a community of shared values. After those things are finished life sometimes strips away the connections that nurtured us and we begin to feel the void. I am so glad that the church became a place where I was able to fill this need and even more than fill this need. God has just been good to me. I am rushing because of lack of time on this found internet source. Catch you again when I find a signal tomorrow I hope.

Nature

I have always liked the outdoors, and although I'm a reasonably physical person, it doesn't come close to my sons love of nature and the outdoors. We went out yesterday to place his bait traps. Two traps for shiners and two traps for crayfish. Isolated spots in the woods where others won't find his traps before he returns today. It is a beautiful world that God has given us. Waterfalls and streams in thick woods filled with life. Maybe because of all the rain this year everything seems even more alive. We are not going on our great adventures to the real wilderness until I August. I need to bring my camera more often because I do see sites I want record. The incredible intricacies of nature when you look close are amazing. What needs what to survive in this web of life that fits together in unimaginable ways, each thing specifically suited for it's part in the whole. As a biologist I recognize the movement of creation through a process like evolution, as plants and animals adapt to changes in their world. At the same time the complexity cannot be reasonably explained to random changes that evolution could create, I see both the ability to adapt that the creator gave us and the specific intelligent design in the system that could only be God.

One day I was told that this guy I was going to meet was a terrific surgeon but that his arrogance and pride were sometimes hard to take. I was going through the reception line when I was introduced to him. I said Oh you're the guy that cooperates with God. He looked at me funny and said what do you mean. I said well you could have the finest surgical techniques in all the world but if God hadn't given us the ability for one part to heal back together with another your work would be useless. He looked at me as his jaw dropped. We humans want sometimes to remove God from the equation. We often want to pursue our own interests in our our way as if God doesn't care. We think we humans are the creators. We think using the brain God gave us makes us God. Nature always reminds me that at the core I'm insignificant compared to the one whose imagination could speak the world into being.

I Remember When Superheroes Were Superheroes

Harry Potter does not make the pantheon of superheroes. He doesn't even qualify for the category of superhero sidekick. I went to see the movie yesterday with Forrest my grandson. Harry Potter has been out a week and the movie were sold out way early. We had to buy tickets for a later showing. Now granted this a rainy day in Maine where maybe you don't have a lot else to do, but you would think it meant a good movie. Both Forrest and I were disappointed. If it took six years of training to be the chosen one I can't understand what for. All good managed to do was tie maybe once and that proved to be a loss because the object they won was a fake. From the beginning this series was supposed to be all mapped out to be complete in six installments. You would expect Harry to complete something in six years but you finish the series with a future staring you in the face and a superhero with only the redeeming quality of not giving up on his failing. Where is good triumphs over evil. Am I supposed to buy smile when your beaten as a great message. Should the death whateverers still be threatening the earth.

I think it was just a ploy to sell more books and produce more movies which goes against everything she said at the beginning. No more for me. I like my superheroes to act like superheroes.

Away From Home

It is a strange mixture of joy and longings to be away from home. I have had a great time here in Maine and the time in Massachusetts with friends was terrific too. I wanted to see more people than I was able, but I did enjoy the visits. The service for Marsha exceeded even my high expectations. The two days in Virginia with my brother and spending some time with his family also was nice, we haven't seen each other through the years as much as I wanted. Everything has been wonderful and yet inside I still long for home. Somehow we know we are away from a piece of ourselves. Without family and some friends I was away from a piece of myself when I was home in Myrtle Beach as well. That is what makes it a strange mixture the alchemist has brewed for me.

I think for us Christians we have a similar spiritual situation. We know where home is, and we know we are away from home while we are only partially connected to God in our earthly lives and earthly bodies and our soul longs for home. At the same time God has given us such wonderful people and such a wonderful world to live in that we long to remain here with all God has given us. I could see that very clearly in Marsha as she was ill. She knew where she was going and she knew it was home. A more desirable home than even our wonderful little treasure pictured to the right. We loved our home at the beach, and I still do, but she knew that her better permanent home was waiting and the time had come. I know some day I will be with her in our permanent home away from this body and I long for two worlds, both home. It a strange brew the alchemist has brewed for us, at times a mixture of joys and a mixture of longings.

Fav oh right Uncle

That is not a picture of me in my best pose as FavOhRight uncle it is my daughter but the picture reminded me of the many hours I sat with all my nephews and nieces in my lap for story time. It was a Sunday afternoon tradition when we all got together for Sunday dinner. Each of the Kids, they're not kids anymore, would make up a story to tell me and then I would make up a story to tell them. They seemed to take it so seriously. I was howling inside. You see I have this problem and that is that I rarely LOL. I don't know why but I just don't LOL. I'm really an internal person you see. When I LOL I make everyone laugh because I laugh so loud and I can't stop. I might occasionally get out a short chuckle but LOL never. I must have laughed at the wrong time as a kid and been disciplined for LOL at the wrong time or something but I just can't do it. I hear the funniest jokes sometimes and I'm laughing like crazy the problem is nobody knows it. I think we all have these little oddities about us that even we can't explain. It makes life interesting but most of all I think it makes God LOL.

Once Was Blind But Now I See

Just a little advice, don't sit on your glasses. I spent most of the day trying to find an optometrist who could see me today. I think everyone in Maine must have eye trouble. I found numerous places that do eye exams, but they were all booked until August. I was lucky to have a pair of prescription sun glasses, but they don't work to well in the house. I had some glue and might have been able to stick the glasses together and make them work, but I was in need of a new prescription anyway.

I finally found an eye doctor in Belfast Maine after trying everyone in Waterville, Newport, Bangor and any other places in that direction. The problem with Belfast is no place exists that can take a prescription and make glasses the same day. So off to Belfast for the doctor then to Bangor for the glasses. Not a short driving day. It is amazing however when you look out through glasses that are correct for your eyes. Wow I see a world, even clearly.

I think of all the years I was spiritually blind. I didn't even know enough to go to the doctor of my soul. I was stuck with a vision of myself and the world that was filled with distortion. You know like the mirrors in the fun house. Everything was messed up and although I would have said I was happy I was so wrong. I wish I had found the right lens for my life earlier but the important thing is now I can see and the world is beautiful. My son was showing me some of the features of my Iphoto that I had not tried. One was called enhance. What a difference in the picture when I hit enhance. Well my spiritual glasses made a much bigger difference than that. Thank God for being the best eye doctor and much easier to find than an eye doctor in Maine.

An Imitation

In my life I have often been only able to have an imitation of something everybody wants. I have a driver that is titanium and big like the real thing but I will never know the difference between what I have and the ones that cost hundreds of dollars. My imitation works but I still wonder what miracle could happen if I had the real thing. We often settle for the imitation and hope it is satisfactory.

I also have enjoyed imitators as entertainers. I would laugh as they mock the real thing with a close impersonation but one that is clearly not the real thing and often minimizes the one who is famous enough to be imitated. They must have accomplished something or no imitator would bother to learn to imitate them.

We are called to be imitators of Christ. Even Paul says to imitate him. Scripture says it is OK to be an imitation of the real thing. As I make my attempt to imitate Christ, this is an arena where I hope people will never be satisfied with the imitation but always continue to seek the real thing. Christ is available, you see, free of charge and the imitation is meant to only point to the real thing in our midst. My imitation of Christ is never to bring attention to me but only to him. I also don't want to be an imitator that, somehow because of my poor imitation, makes a mockery of the real thing. My imitation of Christ needs to be with the humility that makes it clear I know I am a poor imitation of Christ. I attempt to imitate Him out of obedience knowing I am not worthy, even as he desires my imitation of him. You may laugh at my weak imitation but not at the one I attempt to emulate. He is always worthy of whatever good we can do for him.

Maine Golf

I played golf yesterday in Maine. Massachusetts golf or better yet Maine golf is played on slanted terrain. I swear I didn't have a flat shot all day and we are not talking about a little up hill, down hill, or side hill lie, we're talking about drastic slopes. Lots of shots are made where you can't see where the ball will land. Blinded by the hill you see a flag tip but not the whole flag or green. Myrtle Beach golf is so flat compared to this. The worst slanted fairway isn't even close to the average hole in Maine. Very lush green pretty course with greens that are soft and catch the ball when you hit them, while in Myrtle Beach the ball keeps rolling and doesn't even leave a mark .

Life for me has become a Maine/Myrtle Beach experience. Life clearly doesn't often give you a smooth flat ride. I have had no share of screwy lies in the past year. I have often found that I could not see what was coming at me over next hump in life's path. It has been a whirlwind of slopes with hills and valleys and few moments when life was on an even keel, to mix metaphors. God has been the one to smooth it out. To make Maine golf into Myrtle Beach golf. God gives me peace even when the terrain looks like I need to hold on or I'll fall off. He gently assures me that all is well and he is with me and Marsha. Like the greens in Maine with God life has soft landings and you can always see the beauty in life amidst the turmoil.

I really played pretty well yesterday for a new course with very different demands. As always I met good people to share the path and found joy in my heart with the challenges and possibilities. I know it is easier when you are retired and basic needs are not a serious concern, but I wish I had found this blessing of God's presence on my journey so much earlier. It makes all the company I bump into on my path seem so much nicer, maybe because of what he has done in me.

I'm Going To See A Moose

My wife always wanted to see a moose. I don't know why, but she did. She would look for them everywhere we went during our times in Maine which have been numerous. She never saw one. My daughter Merrie just completed a two week trip through Canada and wanted to see a moose. I don't know why, she just did. She scheduled a trip to the zoo in Toronto because they have moose in the zoo there. I think that's cheating but she did see a moose. I'm now in Maine and my son and I will take a trip someplace in Maine where he says I will LOL at the number of moose. He says we will have to dodge them as they take over the road at dusk. I'll certainly think of Marsha and Merrie when that happens. If they find out I know they'll be jealous. It's funny they were never content with the moose they did see. You have to understand that at Camp Dennen when I was the manager my nickname was moose. That was partly because I was always making the ground shake and the trees crash, and partly because when there was no solution to a problem you just overwhelmed it with brute force and the various odds and end items around that might help. I guess they didn't think seeing me every day was real enough.

I do like the image of a moose. They seem to have a peace about them. Unless they have a young one around they seem pretty content and pretty leisurely in their manner. I can't say I would appreciate their diet but they just munch along content with what's in front of them. If we could live more like a moose the world might be an OK place. They don't live in fear. Half our problems exist because we fear what others will do to us. Economically, politically, religiously, physically, and otherwise we seem so easily motivated and controlled by fear. Contentment is another problem for us. We always want more than we need, and even the best of us do. Even those who deny their need for worldly goods do so because they often need to feel the most self-righteous. We do all need something you know. Why can't we just be content? God has given us more than enough if we share. Most of us already have so much. I guess I do want to see a moose, maybe they can teach me something.

Ordinary dishes

One of the people who chose to speak at the life celebration service for Marsha yesterday was a dear friend Jean Jacobs from The Church of the Holy Spirit Mattapan. She shared how Marsha had said to her that she was ordinary dishes not fine china, and I would add that she was. I think we both have always seen ourselves as ordinary folk although if you look at the picture there ain't nothing ordinary about her. We both knew that God can do extraordinary things through ordinary folk through the grace of God so freely given. It was so important to Marsha that people know that God has big things planned for all of us. It is not special people that matter but a special God that can make you matter. It is not our talents that we polish to make fine china but God's grace that makes people overlook the cracks and the chips and the loss of luster that we find in our ordinary dishes. I know in my life Marsha was the most important human companion to look through the flaws and see God's beauty in me and help me see it for myself. I think that was true for her with many people which is why so many were with us yesterday. You see Marsha never saw ordinary dishes as a negative, she always saw it as "if God can do this with my life don't you see he can do it with yours." I am so proud of the woman God gave to me when I didn't even know him. A gift of a lifetime second only to the power of God's own grace. Rest in peace my beauty. See you in my dreams.

I Would Have Killed Myself

I know I would have harmed my body if I grew up up in a time like this. I watch the kids with their skate boards and skim boards and I just know my knees would be scarred from surgeries and my head would have concussions and I don't know what else. The young guys that are part of the family I am visiting at that moment were not satisfied with the thrill of skimming and spinning on the flat water so they found plans for a ramp to build from the internet to increase the thrill factor. See the picture below which is only half the ramp. One already has a gimpy knee from another situation but tweaked it again with this activity. We love the thrill of life and many seem to seek moments with an adrenaline rush. People jump out of perfectly good airplanes, bungy jump from bridges, leap off cliffs holding a kite, and other novel events just to feel the excitement and rush of fear that fills them and makes the heart pound.

Why then do we back off from the fear of telling our story of God's love for us, about the moment we knew in our heart that God not only made us but loves us and was willing to die for us. Why don't we rush head long into the fear that comes from this choice. Why no plunge into an adrenaline rush when can tell people about God and accomplish something much more lasting than a one eighty on a skim board. I think God wants to know why????

The Marsh

As a Biology major and Earth Science minor I love the marsh. A wet meadow that is so important to sea life. As a young boy the marsh was behind my house while the bay was in front of my house. I could not see either and that was good in a hurricane, but they were very close. I'd spend time in a small stream behind the house with a milk bottle and bread catching minnows. The interesting thing was that the minnows were of many varieties. I'd catch striped bass minnows with many horizontal stripes and some cod or haddock minnows with one horizontal stripe, and others that I didn't recognize at the time. Some were the classic adult minnows as well. I could see that this place was the home for the young of the ocean. Later in life I learned about the complex chemical and biological operations that happened there. More than once I was up to my waste in the mud of the back salt marsh. As a father and grandfather I watched my kids and grandkids dive head first into the mud and continue until all you see was the whites of their eyes. I never would have thought of that. Often we would get that heavy smell of low tide, familiarly pleasant in the most peculiar way.

A salt marsh looks simple but is complicated and important. Some aspects of it are unappealing even ugly and yet nature needs them desperately. People are like that I think. Sometimes things get muddy and many situations seem to smell, but often important things are birthed in the middle of it. Situations are complicated and simplicity although often sought is not necessarily the best solution. Simple answers often have a short shelf life personally and organizationally.

I think of my marriage which had it's tumultuous times in the early years. Marsha and were both complicated people with complicated issues, trying to figure out what to do in the muddy water of life. At times we could have given up the struggle, it got that difficult, but what was birthed from the midst of it became the most beautiful jewel. The minnows that entered the muck and mire grew up into something worth catching. I think today society says if things get tough you can walk away, and indeed you can. You don't have to put up with things you don't like, and indeed you don't have to. They abandon the work of the marsh for the freedom of open water, but I know I would have missed the best of life if I had done that. I sit here this morning looking at the swaying grass and smooth water of such a marsh, with mud islands sticking out here and there. Yesterday the boys fished out there and caught much bigger stripers than I did in my milk bottle, but oh the memories of my youth.

Memories

I have been here on Cape Cod with Don & Tammy Blackwell and enjoying the company while waiting for Noah to show up with the Ark. So much I learned about myself and ministry came from the community at Camp Dennen when God gave me the honor of preparing me to serve Him. Visits with Don and Tammy always bring up talk of our kids and grandkids and life, but also Camp Dennen. So many things changed in me there the memories of them today even still surprises me. One thing I learned is to be intentional about not being trapped in the past. Lat me give you an example. I was a kind of wild and crazy kid when I was young and a moderately successful athlete, but I was skinny. Six foot two one hundred forty pounds I was not just thin I was skinny. I always had a view of myself as the skinny weakling in the old comic book adds. That was the picture of myself that I had carried in my head as my identity for many years. At Camp we created campsites by hand including stumping the trees. One day I was walking across camp when I came upon a group of volunteers who were working to take out a moderate sized stump. The hole around the stump was huge and deep but when I asked how they were doing they said they couldn't get it out and had tired everything. I looked at it jumped down in the hole took a couple of digs with the shovel then bent down and grabbed it and threw it out of the hole. All of a sudden the picture I had carried in my head about the skinny weakling was updated. That was not who I was any more.

In so many different ways God changed the picture of who I was as I served that community. I discovered the person God intended me to be from the beginning. He had been there all along in the DNA but scars and flaws had hidden him away and he was most certainly invisible to most. I think Marsha saw that hidden guy at times, but not often. I know so many people who have distorted pictures of themselves in the frames of life. In the pictures they look small and frail and flawed and scarred and ugly and weak, but beneath that picture is the real self that God knows and loves. He knows the person of your DNA, the beautiful one he created you to be and He wants you to meet them. I was fortunate to be at Camp Dennen in a community that started me on the process with Christ of discovering my true identity. Child of God, Son of the King, anointed one of God, the picture has changed many times and I'm still discovering the prize inside like the Cracker Jacks box. I pray for your journey of discovery as well. Wherever you are you can take the journey of discovery, and find your true self.

Too Much Time On My Hands

I got to thinking, a dangerous thing indeed. This is how mind works. Body, mind, and will are for me the real components of my life. I can identify their workings and find their effect on the quality of my life. Scripture says body mind and spirit and I’m not discounting Spirit. I think of my will as the site of my emotion. At times like when I feel stubborn I have a very strong expressive will, or when I’m angry, while when I’m depressed I see myself with a weak will and hardly able to do anything. Obviously other emotions also influence the expression of my will as well. For me, it is in this place that the Spirit can live. I can allow the Spirit to influence my will. Paul’s description of doing what I don’t want to do and not doing what I do want to do is about the will having the control that trumps body and mind. The body does what we will it to do not what we think we should do. Paul also expresses what I describe as the surrendered will. This happens when we allow the Spirit to take control of the body. Paul describes a mature Christian as one who is no longer tossed about by every whim. I think Paul is using whim as a substitute for emotion. He is talking about a Spirit led person, a person where the will has been allowed to be controlled by the Spirit. My quality of life changed when I began to allow the Spirit to control my will. By body has been at peace because God always knows what is best for me. The very ancient TV show Father Knows Best was saying earthly fathers know best, which may not be true, but indeed our heavenly Father knows best and wants what is best for us. So what is of utmost importance to me? To continue to train myself to submit my will to the will of God, my body and mind will follow.

Favorites

I bet we all have those things which draw us like a magnet that we probably should avoid. We say discipline discipline and so often it does us no good at all. I had one of those days. I thought I was going to finish in Taunton in time to make one or two stops on my way to the cape, but the timetable was off. I did however have to pass multiple locations that sold fried clams. I have been trying to eat healthy for months and doing a pretty good job. I did not make it by them all. They were so good. Made me almost want to move back north, just kidding Myrtle Beach friends. It is interesting those things which we miss in life. Certain smells like low tide in the north, or just the salt air as you arrive about eight miles from the ocean up here. The ocean doesn't have that salt smell in Myrtle Beach. I'm glad I came for this visit in New England, it doesn't change my joy of living in MB but I do miss some things. What makes it hard is the recognition that I can return to many things I miss from time to time and re-experience them for real, but not the most important things I miss. I know I would get to forgetting about the smells and foods and other things from my life up here in time, and I pray the same will happen for certain kinds of missing Marsha. I know I can't go back, life doesn't work that way, but if wishes were granted I find the first star or the falling star or the four leaf clover or whatever else could make it happen. I guess I just have to settle for fried clams.

Our Nation

I'm one of those people who cries at parades or when we sing The Star Spangled Banner or when we talk about the brave men and women who have left house and home, family and friends to stand in my place for the defense of our principles in this democracy of ours. One reason I became a public school teacher was because I know a true democracy cannot suceed without an educated population. Not educated in specific to get a great job at great pay, that may be nice, but rather a broad and complete education to make informed decisions about the future of our country and our world. I have differences of opinions with people about issues from time to time, most who read this already know that, but my biggest problem is with people who make decisions about our country and the world without taking time to and energy to acquire the necessary knowledge for an informed decision. Often that leaves them making decisions on self interest or what feels good to them for some emotional reason. Our country was established by people who built barns for their competition. Our country was founded by people who were looking to the common good not their personal good, knowing in the end the common good assured their personal good. They sought freedom yes, but it wasn't just freedom to do what they wanted it was freedom to do what was right. As we celebrate this anniversary of the greatest nation on earth we go through troubled times, because self interest has been placed as the priority in the hearts and minds of many of our fellow citizens. Doing what is right for the good of all has taken a back seat, and my hope is that this trouble will help us once again see that my personal good is found in the priority of the common good. I'm not running for office but I'll still end with God Bless America and a tear in my eye.

Hot Topics

What do you talk about with folks? I'm still amazed by how much of our conversation revolves around the weather. It is the standard ICE BREAKER in almost all small talk. It POURS out of our mouth so easily this banter about the RAIN or the WIND or the HEAT or the SNOW. It's been raining here since I arrived and it has been for some time. I was told 31 out of the past 35 days have had rain. It also appears that these have not been an hour or two of clouds with a quick shower Myrtle Beach style but the overcast cold windy day with showers or continuos rain. So New Englanders have had plenty to talk about. It's not that we don't talk about nice weather but even then your likely to hear it's too hot or too humid. If the weather seems perfect it hardly gets a mention. Sometimes I think God must look at us and wonder if anything will please us for more than five minutes. Our negativity often amazes me. The weather is just the easiest example of the tendency in humans to want more and better all the time and not be satisfied with anything. I just heard again one of those tales of a man who after many years left his wife for another woman. Sometimes now it seems like relationships are viewed almost like trading in the old car for a new model expecting this one to be better. I play golf sometimes with a guy that before almost every shot predicts the worst possible result and I guess he's not disappointed. Norman Vincent Peale with the power of positive thinking may have had his day but it seems to be long past. Criticism seems to bring more joy than compliments, and complaints more than appreciation. If I have learned anything about myself in this time of missing Marsha it is that I did not appreciate her enough, and did not show her enough how happy she made me. What happened to biblical mandates to have thankful hearts and rejoice always, and fear not little flock. Why do we so easily let our hearts be troubled and all the worst of life be the HOT TOPICS?

Simplicity

I was reading my daughters blog this morning about her trip to and through Canada. Yesterday Merrie and Rich were below behind and around Niagra falls. She wrote of the awesome power of the falls and how it put things in perspective. She felt humble. I think those moments when beauty like at the beach or power like at the falls or wonder like when I sat on the edge of the Grand Canyon do help us find ourselves. When we get a glimpse of the plan of the great planner we know our plans are insignificant in many ways. We still need to make them, but they don't weigh us down the same. I was also reading in Oswald Chambers book "My Utmost for His Highest" and the phrase that grabbed me was that the spiritual life isn't about willing to be perfect or planning my ministry efforts, but rather to be "certain in my uncertainty". I think I came to the point in my life some time ago where interior life slowed down and became simple because I am certain in my uncertainty. I didn't stop being me, the constant thinker. I didn't stop trying to figure things out, that would be futile, but in the midst of it all my interior life took on that serene state of wonder and awe before God like sitting beneath Niagra Falls in The Maid of the Mist, and I am certain, assured, convinced, persuaded, that God has it all under control for me. I can be certain in uncertainty because God's hand touched me in such an awe inspiring way that I don't need to figure it all out any more, I like to try because it's me, but I don't need to. I can live knowing that the God of the falls has my back.

Back to Massachusetts

Not staying in the old rectory to the right but I am back in Massachusetts and it feels good to see so many friendly faces. I didn’t know how I would feel after really knowing Myrtle Beach is home. This place is no longer home but the people make me feel at home. Hugs all around from people who know and love me. The streets are familiar and the air fits my memory bank. So much is a natural response like when I could shoot foul shots by muscle memory. I lived here so long and it feels like second nature to be here and yet I don’t feel like this is my home any longer. This is a strange combination of feelings. One of the things that is difficult is seeing the pain in every set of eyes as they see me and don’t know what to say. I received tremendous support during Marsha’s illness and ultimate death from the new friends in Myrtle Beach but because they did not know Marsha or I the same way I didn’t find the pain in their eyes the same way. It is wonderful to have so many connections with people but so difficult when seeing me brings both joy and pain. I guess hermits don’t have to deal with this but they miss so much. Connection means sharing the good the bad and the ugly. I wouldn’t have it any other way.